u/Travisscottiover911

Title

Main points:

I get the feeling of being on sr/bettering my life in general, I don’t want to pursue women until I feel like I have “made it”

However I’ve noticed on my self improvement journey, (getting closer to god, pursing different ways to make money, workout out, etc)
The bar is always raising.

2 years ago if that version of myself looked at me I would say I’m doing fantastic. But now that I’m here. I only see more room to grow and a long freaking way to go.

Thus, in result I’m not sure if I’ll ever get the true feeling of “I made it”

I absolutely want a woman in my life. But when is it the right time?

I haven’t been dating in a long time, and it’s by choice. If I wanted to I would. But I feel like it would be pointless because the best woman I can get now won’t be someone I want to be in a relationship with after 2 more years of growth. Unless I guess she is growing with me.

So my question is when is the right time if I never feel ready?

Thoughts?

After making the decision to not serve a mission
( no longer believe) my family has only ever tried to convince, judge and shame me for not going on one, every time I visit my dad he sits me down and tries to convince me to serve a mission, even though he understands I don’t believe, he wants me to just push through it because “it’s the right thing to do” which logistically is absolutely not I mean common sense I feel like I don’t need to spell it out but I will: if I genuinely don’t believe in something why would I serve 2 years of my life trying to push it onto other people if I believe it to be untrue? It would be straight manipulation and morally wrong in every single way! I feel like my dad cares more about how he looks to other people because his son isn’t serving a mission than him wanting me to go because he actually thinks it’s right. Anyway, I’m working out of state from my family and I’m really scared to move back in, because I know the judgement will be intense, I’m really trying to lock in so I can afford to keep living on my own. I actually almost quit my job today because the anxiety was so intense but re assessed and decided to stay because I know going back home would just suck.

Another thing is my sister is currently serving a mission, she’s about as hardcore Mormon as you can get, I love her so much, but I hardly join her p day calls anymore because I know she’s judging and trying to convince me, she said I’m deceived by satan once..

Anyways, this is all just very frustrating because honestly everyone had so much respect for me (or atleast it felt like it) and now they all think I’m throwing my life away and talk to me like I’m mentally insane.

I’m just gonna write down what I’m feeling right now, my experience 92 days on retention, this is what I’m noticing. The gap between me and other people is getting bigger, I feel like there’s no chance of fitting in with anyone, I’m 18, not going to college, doing sales rn making it work, every time I talk to them they’re trying to convince me to do something else or judge. They think I’m ruining my life. I pick up peoples mixed emotions, I’ve become hyper anaIitical, I feel like I know what people are thinking, what they’re gonna say, intuition has become insane. I know when they’re lying, I’ve given up completely on calling out people around me. I feel it’s a waste of breath. I really fucking wish I had some people who I can actually resonate with, with ngl there are a few but not close to me. I’m honestly so afraid of relapsing the urges are getting stronger and my streak is lowkey what I’m most proud of out of anything else. I don’t wanna lose it.

Here’s a crazy experience I had from sr, was in the car with a friend and his girl, he gets out of the car to pickup food, so it’s just me and his girl in the car, I can feel an intense energy shift, it was nervousness coming from her. I just knew. It was so fucking strong I felt it to my core, after she broke the silence it went away, but it was genuinely an awe inspiring moment never had anything like that happen before.

I guess what I was getting at from the first part is, I feel like I’m just looking at life completely differently than those around me that’s there’s like no middle ground anymore, i don’t find joking about jerking off funny I don’t find being lazy and scraping by cool. I want to fucking excel to the next level, I feel like I’m on my own path and I honestly wish I had someone to share it with, even when I have found people who are dialed in, hard workers who are successful. They always end up fucking hating me. Like. They start off chill. And then they start dogging on my and sending shots at me. I don’t understand it. It’s a polarizing effect of sr I think. It makes me feel so alone and genuinely like I am too much to handle for anyone else, even though I’m the most chill person ever. Type of guy to never beef never start drama. Somehow people always end up hating me.

I’m just gonna write down what I’m feeling right now, my experience 92 days on retention, this is what I’m noticing. The gap between me and other people is getting bigger, I feel like there’s no chance of fitting in with anyone, I’m 18, not going to college, doing sales rn making it work, every time I talk to them they’re trying to convince me to do something else or judge. They think I’m ruining my life. I pick up peoples mixed emotions, I’ve become hyper anaIitical, I feel like I know what people are thinking, what they’re gonna say, intuition has become insane. I know when they’re lying, I’ve given up completely on calling out people around me. I feel it’s a waste of breath. I really fucking wish I had some people who I can actually resonate with, with ngl there are a few but not close to me. I’m honestly so afraid of relapsing the urges are getting stronger and my streak is lowkey what I’m most proud of out of anything else. I don’t wanna lose it.

Here’s a crazy experience I had from sr, was in the car with a friend and his girl, he gets out of the car to pickup food, so it’s just me and his girl in the car, I can feel an intense energy shift, it was nervousness coming from her. I just knew. It was so fucking strong I felt it to my core, after she broke the silence it went away, but it was genuinely an awe inspiring moment never had anything like that happen before.

I guess what I was getting at from the first part is, I feel like I’m just looking at life completely differently than those around me that’s there’s like no middle ground anymore, i don’t find joking about jerking off funny I don’t find being lazy and scraping by cool. I want to fucking excel to the next level, I feel like I’m on my own path and I honestly wish I had someone to share it with, even when I have found people who are dialed in, hard workers who are successful. They always end up fucking hating me. Like. They start off chill. And then they start dogging on my and sending shots at me. I don’t understand it. It’s a polarizing effect of sr I think. It makes me feel so alone and genuinely like I am too much to handle for anyone else, even though I’m the most chill person ever. Type of guy to never beef never start drama. Somehow people always end up hating me.