u/TreeFrogMomma

My procrastination is done. My waffling is done. My trying to be understanding is done.

7/4/26 approximately 7:55 pm. That was the straw.

I have hashimotos and the heat easily wipes me out. I've been trying to stay inside as much as possible in this heat. Seriously, just walking to my car can wipe me out.

Thursday we went to the drive in. I was trying to be supportive (stupid me). The double feature was toy story 5 and mandalorian. My husband really really wanted to see Mando, but missed it in theaters. Our son surprisingly liked it. But we got home around 2am. So, staying up late and everything already set me up.

Friday we went to a local playroom to celebrate our son's fourth birthday. Lots of running around and the heat was obnoxious that day.

Today, Saturday, is my husband's aunt's birthday. She has become like a suragote mom, as his my died when he was 25. We had barely been married a year. Her battle with cancer failed. His aunt hasn't overstepped boundaries by any means, but she is a genuinely good person, the world doesn't deserve her.

Did my husband remember to get his amazing aunt anything for her birthday? Her easy to remember birthday? No. "We can't afford anything!"

That was his complaint Friday. I'm out of work due to my mental health crashing out. Gee, I wonder how that happened. Again. I insisted I was doing the IOP to give me time to recover and figure out what to do next. Go see me "am I stupid" post regarding finances.

But it felt dismissive that me taking time to address my mental health was a financial burden. I'm not on vacation. I'm still doing housework, taking our son to school and therapy. Plus three days a week three hours a day having mini breakdowns during group therapy. Sorry you can't eat McDonald's breakfast lunch and dinner anymore.

So, I tell my husband we'll get some craft stuff from the store, I have a credit card with a little balance on it. Our son can decorate something and we can give it to her. She deserves something. Our son loves his great aunt and was really excited to do a craft AND do it with Mommy.

Before leaving I ask my husband if he's coming, because I'm also going to do some grocery shopping. No. He's staying home. Seriously? Whatever.

Spent about 1.5, 2 hours in the store with our Audhd four year old. Get home and I'm already feeling exhausted. I had needed a cup of coffee with breakfast (as usual I was the last to eat) and I had to grab another cup while we were out. My new meds for mental health have worked so well I haven't needed coffee. So, needing two cups this morning was concerning.

I figured out something for lunch after putting away everything by myself. I told my husband I was going to the bedroom to decompress. No worries, he says. He's got the kiddo. Awesome! And no passive aggressive whining or huffing and puffing. I ate in peace. He fed our son without son looking for me. Yay!

It's around 1:30 now.

I go to tell my son it's naptime. He's barely eaten lunch. We do body led eating. Yes, our son is still feeling hungry. But he's completely distracted by the tv. My husband had turned it on and got distracted, AGAIN, by his phone. He jumped on his phone while we were at the playroom. Once our son said he was finished we went upstairs and I, yet again, put our son down for a nap. Alone. He fell asleep around 2.

Around 5 our son wakes up. And I'm feeling a sudden crash. Like, I am struggling to keep my eyes open. No worries, dear, says my husband. He takes our son downstairs again so I can rest. I pass out.

It's now around 7:30. My husband is rushing our son through the bedtime routine and barely giving me any time to wake up, expecting our son to just lay down and go to sleep, so my husband can do what?

DM his fing d&d campaign.

By 7:55 I'm awake but groggy. Our son is wired. And he gets like this when he's overstimulated and another need hasn't been met. Which means he's either hungry, thirsty or both. Fffffffuuuu-

"Buddy, did Daddy feed you?"

"Uhhh, noooo!!!" As he jumps around on the bed.

I go downstairs to my husband's office "did you feed him since he woke up from nap?"

He has his oh shit I forgot face.

Are.

You.

Serious!!!

This isn't the first time!!! He's forgotten to change our son, feed him, bathe him!!! Etc!!!! Omg! No wonder I'm constantly having breakdowns!!!

Our son wants to go in to see my husband who is now t minus a minute from starting d&d and I say "no, buddy. You can't see Daddy. You need to eat dinner and daddy is about to play his game." I don't care if his feelings were hurt. My husband's, not our son's.

I feed our son. And it takes forever because we live in suburbia and everyone is shooting fireworks around our house. They're still firing them and it's 10:10pm as I'm typing this.

I was by myself keeping our son focused on eating, not getting freaked out by the fireworks, and finally going to sleep.

This. This is why I want a divorce.

My husband will complain that he has really bad ADHD!!! He's depressed and burnt out worrying about me and our son, work, etc!!!

I, also, have ADHD. My executive functioning is atrocious. My short term memory is atrocious. I also have bipolar and BPD. I have PTSD and cptsd. I have multiple disabilities. And I still figure out a way to support our son. And I didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until I was 35. He didn't believe I had it for a long time. Going on Adderall shut him up because it showed drastic improvements.

My husband refuses to do anything about his health. I've stopped managing it. I told him shortly after our son was born I couldn't take care of my appointments, our son's and my husband's. "When am I supposed to schedule appointments?" Idk, ask your coworkers!

I also told my husband after our son was born I wasn't doing his laundry anymore. I do all of the laundry. I couldn't do his, mine, the babies and the towels/linens. He was all huffy about that, too.

He has narcolepsy. He has some many signs and symptoms. He refuses to get tested. He just falls asleep, practically passes out, throughout the day if he's not working. God forbid I do it! And God forbid that he remembers to feed our son!!!

So, I'm done. Monday morning I'm calling around. I can't do this anymore. I won't do it anymore.

edit: just in case people see this but don't see when it was posted. this was effective 7/3 approximately 7:30pm. I have no idea what the status is currently. If you're unsure and need to stop there, best bet is to call the store ahead of time.

There are signs on the front doors and the freezers have yellow caution tape blocking the isles. Not 100% sure what happened.

Sharing more to prevent any inconvenience to fellow shoppers. Don't take it out on the employees. No, I don't work here, it's just my local Hannaford. I don't know when it'll be fixed.

The husband I fell in love with is showing up. Since my last post, the tender, thoughtful, affectionate man is coming out. Idk if he's seeing my quietness as holding space for him, or if his narcissistic traits are enjoying space. This is what sucks about having bipolar/BPD. Is it me? Am I the problem? Am I splitting? Is it narc abuse and bread crumbs?

Holding out for the family therapy session 7/7. I'll have a 1:1 therapy appointment 7/10.

If you're in the area there are two boys at intersection of Kennedy and Sand Creek rd selling lemonade to raise money for bikes.

I've been testing my husband. I don't force anything. I don't say I love you at the end of calls. I don't say my daily goodbye phrase when he leaves for work. I don't ask him about his day. What is he going to say or do?

He comes home and immediately starts happily dumping on me about his day. He tells me all about his plans with his friends and the shows he's watching and and and and.

And doesn't ask me about my day. He doesn't ask me about my hobbies or anything. He hasn't been saying I love you. But he seems super happy lately.

I have bipolar and recently was put on a new medication. It's been working really well. I'm calmer and less irritable. But I'm also thinking clearer. And I've realized a lot of things lately.

I frequently tell people when they ask why I don't talk to my mom that imagine a more covert mother Gothel. That's my mom. And I am Rapunzel. Like, to an erie degree. That movie has been hard to watch because it's my childhood. My NPD mom isolating me and using me. We lived in the woods and always had some horrifying reason why I couldn't do things. And along comes Flynn Ryder. Cocky, handsome, charming, and challenging Gothel. He even helps defeat her.

What movies don't tell you is that Flynn is probably also a narcissist.

I ignored so much for so long. I didn't want to think I traded one tower for another.

I said in another post the worst thing to happen to my husband was me finding the right SSRI. And, yeah, it really is.

Because when your brain can make the right chemicals and isn't in fight or flight you can start to see the patterns.

Another one recently? My husband hasn't commented on how little I'm talking. Something he complains about. I'm in an IOP and I apologize any time I talk. And recently I shared that I made the correlation only people who don't like me or who want to control me say anything about how much I talk. My husband is one of those people. Basically I need to minimize myself. And he's been so happy since I started seeing if he noticed in pulling back.

I'm going to leave. I'm going to contact some attorneys today. I'm going to sit down and figure out my plan.

No, there's a lot of things he doesn't do. But people said the same about my mom. The scary thing is I found the land mine with my mom. It took thirty years, but I found it. I do not want to be in this marriage when that happens.

If you're unsure if it's abuse, if it's time to leave, etc, here are some resources to help you to process. I am sharing this not to sway you one way or another. This is purely to offer information that might help you see that, yes, it is indeed past time to leave, or maybe things aren't that bad and the marriage is still salvageable.

A big one is healing by the numbers. Dr. Ruth is a DV survivor who shared her story on TikTok and YouTube. She has a course that helps individuals who are trying to escape come up with a plan. Because of her personal experience and her professional experience with statistics she understands that what actually helps people escape abuse is helping them build a plan. You can give someone every resource, but if they don't own it, they don't accept it, they're either not going to leave, or they will return. There is a free check list to use to see if your partner meets abusive criteria (it was unsettling to realize my unassuming partner has some abusive traits). This check list can be enough to help you ground yourself and say "yes, it was abuse. No, I don't deserve this." This isn't me promoting her and getting a kick back. There's no promocode. This is purely from a "I've seen enough DV in my life, I am living abuse currently, it needs to stop!" Seeing posts from women sharing clear abuse and then they're wondering if they are over reacting is heartbreaking.

Another resource is Dr. Ana Psychology on YouTube. I really like her content in general, but she also has some really good videos specifically around manipulation, she has a playlist about abuse and manipulation. She has a bit of a flat tone, but I don't mind it. Her sense of humor is a little dry, but engaging.

A resource you might not be too familiar with: your gut. Seriously, if you found your way here I'm assuming you know this isn't working. But either society, your partner, both, IDK, someone somewhere at sometime told you not to trust yourself. Beloved, if he's hurting you, restricting your ability to do things, forcing you to stay, is cheating on you, isn't participating in parenting, doesn't agree on whether or not you're having kids or more kids, that's not ok. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy. Don't listen to the manosphere. A bunch of little boys in adult bodies who project their insecurities on women.

Your gut is saying "this isn't working, this isn't safe, I'm not happy" those are all valid reasons. "But my marriage isn't as unhappy or unhealthy as that other persons!"

BELOVED!!! I worked in homecare. I sad observation I made: If a man was sick and his wife was till alive his health was impeccable. But almost certainly her health was bad too. Or she was no longer his wife. She was his nother. A nurse mother. Most wife led houses were so clean. Not all, but the vast majority.

If the wife was sick? How some of those women didn't have sepsis is beyond me. Piles of mail, laundry everywhere, nothing is washed, bandages are gross. If the house was clean or the wife was taken care of it was because another woman was taking care of her.

THESE HUSBANDS WERE NOT ABUSIVE!!! Or at least not in an obvious way. But it was clear the wife was unhappy. Especially if the husband was the sick one. Because you know she knew that if the roles were flipped she wouldn't be taken care of.

You can leave just because you are unhappy. That's enough. You don't have to stay in a miserable marriage. You don't have to stay in a dissatisfied marriage. You don't have to stay because on paper it makes sense. "He doesn't hit me." No, but when was the last time he asked you about your hobbies or interests? "He's not cheating on me!" But you're also not having sex. Have you orgasmed with him? Ever? Do you remember, or even know, what that feels like?

Staying to avoid conflict actually only guarantees it. You'll both be miserable. At least this way you can find some happiness. Might take time. But you get to be happy. And maybe he finds someone that suits him better and he's happy too. If you'd stayed together you'd both be miserable.

I am still not100% sure most of the time. But I then look at that list. I made up my own list of "things I need to stay" "reasons I want to leave". It's so much easier to say why I want to leave. I recently stopped saying I love you when he leaves for work or we end a call. He's stopped saying it a while ago. I think he finally realized it and said it to me recently. There were no flutters or hopeful bubbles. They were words of affirmation. "Yeah. You're picking up that I am unhappy. You're realizing how much I have actually been putting in just because I don't chase you anymore."

hopefully this helps someone.

I've taken time to process my feelings. I am still leaning towards divorce, but I'm going to be generous and offer him one last chance.

I'm in an IOP that has family therapy. They scheduled me for a family therapy session on 7/7 @ 3pm. He works until 4pm. Because I am out of work due to my mental health he has been trying to get as many hours as possible. He's not thrilled that I'm not working. But he's at least not creating a situation that would make me feel even worse. For the moment, at least.

Should I ask him to try and make it to that 3pm appointment? or should I ask him to go if they have any later appointments?

For some background, he has brought up marriage counseling multiples times throughout our marriage. I had invited him to one of my 1:1 appointments back in 2017. IDK what he was expecting but he was shocked at some of the things I brought up. I was considering divorce back then, but chickened out. "He's not that bad." And in many ways he's not. But I'm also just not happy. And that should be an important factor, right?

Anyway, in 2023 I had really bad PPD. Like, trigger warning it was bad. I ended up going into an IOP then. My husband FINALLY took advantage of his EAP benefits and talked to a therapist. She recommended we go to marriage counseling. Initially I was scared. He brought it up almost like "do this or else." Then I thought "wait, I would love an objective third party's opinion! And I know I have contributed to a lot of our issues, but I can't be the soul reason!" So, wow, shocker! I said yes, lets do it, and nothing happened.

On my 36th birthday I sat him down and asked him why nothing happened. "I was scared what might happen if we went. And things have been getting better." they weren't. Maybe a little, but we still had issues. "What do you think will happen if we don't get therapy?" He didn't say anything. I had decided to take over finding a therapist. But he's so avoidant with scheduling anything like that that I gave up. And with just trying to stay alive working and taking care of our special ed child I honestly forgot. You know, trying to keep him in regular daycares and not getting expelled, then having to find a daycare while working in homecare, taking him to PT/OT/speech appointments, doctors appointments, my own stuff, I forgot to find one. My husband works at a warehouse, it is an admittedly stressful job, but comes home and disappears into his office most days. Three days a week he picks our son up from school, but I drop him off five days a week and two days I pick up are for out patient therapy appointments. Sorry, seeing as you are the one who keeps bringing it up, who threatened not to marry me if I didn't get therapy (but still married me when I didn't. In my defense finding a therapist at the time was impossible. My job at the time had horrible health insurance and I had no support from anyone figuring out anything) why don't you find one? Especially since I'm scheduling my appointments, our son's appointments, and I'm working full time. You just schedule your appointments and work full time.

ANYWAY! This is my script I'm thinking of pitching to him: As I had previously mentioned, the IOP I'm in offers family therapy. Because I had expressed interest in it when I was admitted into the program they scheduled an appointment for me. It's 7/7 at 3pm. It's virtual, so I was wondering if you would be agreeable to leave work an hour early and try this? We've talked about doing couples therapy before. This is a great opportunity. I promise to give you space to express yourself and ask any questions from the therapist you need to ask. I know it has been taxing going through everything with my mental health. I do appreciate everything you have done and continue to do."

And that's not a lie. I do appreciate a lot of things he's done. But there's a lot that is just the bare minimum. And there's a lot he hasn't done.

A complaint he makes about me is that I talk too much. I have ADHD and I am a verbal processor. He often feels I just talk at him. He's not the first person to say that to me. What hurts is that I have felt more and more recently like I need to be extremely selective about what I talk about while he gets to just spout off about whatever. He doesn't even ask me how my day is anymore. He just starts telling me about his day. But if I start talking about mine "I'm out of spoons." He can talk about video games at nauseum. If I bring up any book ideas I have he's looking at an invisible wrist watch (not literally, but it feels like that). I can't talk to him about art I'm working on. "Yeah, it's pretty!" Can I talk to you about the composition and why I chose this medium? "Uh, sure, but I don't really get it." But I'm supposed to get your video games?

When we have had to go to meetings for our son's special ed services I have written down talking points and gone over them with my husband. When we had concerns at our son's daycares I have offered my husband the floor to speak. My husband declines talking at the CPSE meetings, and often defers to me at the daycares. But you wanted to talk more when it came to important matters! I found a therapist to help us support our special ed child. My husband FINALLY attended a session. He was very callous towards the therapist and once it was over was like "where did you find this guy?" The therapist sent over resources and my husband hasn't even looked at them. I have literally shown my husband "see! You think I don't listen and I talk over you! But you literally don't take the opportunities when I offer, or are shocked when I honor them!"

Full transparency I am doing this just so when people start asking why I filed for divorce I can say "here's the reasons he'll give, but this is what actually happened." Maybe it's a wake up call for him. Maybe he'll finally go into therapy for himself. I'm not going suffocate over it.

The worse thing to happen to my husband was for me to find the right SSRI.

I recently realized how unhappy I am in my marriage. I can sum it up like this: after our son was born, who's life do you think changed the most? Should be both, right? Only mine.

It was a huge factor in my recent mental breakdown. I have been burdened with the parenting tasks, and our son is special ed. So, my own mental health issues, working, and adding a kid just wiped me out.

My husband has been "picking up slack" while I've been figuring out my next move. Yet I'm still doing more of the parenting stuff. My husband swore he was doing part of the morning routine at drop off. I made a visual aide that helps our son transition from the car to the classroom at drop off. Turns out he hasn't been doing it. "You're being a perfectionist!" No, our son needs this to regulate his nervous system. If it helps him have a good day (he's not hitting other kids, throwing toys, listening to teachers, engaging in structured activities) then we need to do it.

I talked to an attorney regarding SSI/SSDI. She was very positive about the case, that it's a good chance of getting approved. But it could take time. And I can't work while I'm awaiting. I don't have much money, I don't have short term payments. I don't have housing outside of the house we have now.

Idk how long I can continue pretending around my husband. And I'm scared of what happens if I don't get approved. I honestly can't keep working. Taking care of our son is a full time job on its own. Let alone my own needs.

Any input, comrodery, would be appreciated.

I literally just got off the phone with an attorney. She sounds very positive about my case. I need some clarification about what to do next, and I want to see different perspectives.

I have an estimated return to work of 8/23. I currently have mandated state leave of absence. I was approved until 8/23/2026. I am not sure if Long Term and SSI/SSDI are the same thing or not. I know that if I am approved I will get a back pay of benefits. But if I'm not then there's income I have lost and I have to figure out how I am getting money when I am unable to work.

Like, I'm not sure if what I am asking makes sense or not. Brain doesn't want to brain.

Seriously, I have to ask. Because I must be. My husband used to eat out all the time. Once I said I was taking time off to focus on my mental health he was all pissy because that meant he'd have to make financial changes.

"I'm not eating out anymore!" He said all proud.

I messaged him this morning about bills that need to be paid. Bills I used to cover.

"We'll see after I pay the mortgage."

Huh, ok. But, isn't the mortgage something we can pay after ten days of the due date? Geico wants their money that day! National grid doesn't care about how hot or cold it is.

I have access to his bank account. I check his bank statement. Not only is he still eating out, he still is paying for Steam and Crunchyroll. If you don't know what those are they're a gaming service and an anime streaming service. We still have prime. Like, dude, cancel those!

"We can't afford you being out of work." Ok. But we can afford me k*lling myself. Because I was that overwhelmed with working, the house, and our son.

In a previous post I said that since our son was born my husband's life hadn't changed much. Mine has significantly. And I can see the money trail.

I'm not perfect. But if the roles were reversed and my husband couldn't work I would cancel everything that wasn't essential. And I would apply to every single benefit possible.

I'm the one on disability and I'm the one figuring this all out. And he's still buying Dunkin donuts everyday and playing video games when he gets home.

I must be stupid because only a stupid person wouldn't think to look at a bank account they have access to.

But, I'll earn my egot, like I always do. I pretend I don't know. And he won't be able to say anything once he's served.

"I don't understand!" Why, because I'm stupid? You thought I wouldn't figure shit out?

Hey, anyone know of or is in a coven, collective, what have you?

I'm on a discord group. It's nice enough. But I'm more analog.

I'm open to meeting and just getting to know you. I don't expect to be immediately accepted.

I'm exploring my connection with my spirit guide. I'm interested in tarot. I'm not really sure where to begin beyond that.

13 years. I'm not doing this anymore.

Tldr: after our son was born how much did our lives change? My husband's life is pretty much the same. Mine has changed so much. It should be both. And it's not.

I was watching a YouTube aita reaction video. The op said something about how their life changed so much after marriage. As in the things they used to enjoy stopped because their partner didn't like those hobbies.

I recently reclaimed my office and started getting back into my hobbies. Things I stopped because my husband didn't prioritize my time. His time, oh, we can find time. My time? Well, the baby doesn't like when Daddy does bedtime.

There are numerous other things. But that's what it comes back to.

My husband still plays video games, does his podcast, watches movies and hangs out with friends. He did one daycare tour. He rarely goes to doctor appointments or other appointments. Never schedules them.

I'm the primary parent. My husband wouldn't be able to figure out what size shoes my son wears, or needs. Diapers? Our son is almost 4 and only finally doing potty training because I initiated it.

I had a mental breakdown recently. Thought it was because of my medicine getting screwed with by insurance. It was, but the mental load broke me. It just needed the opportunity to finally crash down.

I'm calling an attorney tomorrow. I need to figure out housing and income. I'm out on disability right now. But I'm just done.