u/Trick_Yard_4609

cw: implied parental abuse and transphobia, the specific transfem malaise associated with haircuts

the m4tf older brother yearnposting will continue until morale improves

i wanted to write something that speaks to a very specific experience here, of the lingering fear of letting someone else handle your hair that comes along with growing up transfem, and having your hair sheared down against your will, and how that can follow you even after you have more control over how you present yourself.

as a result, it's possible that not all transfem listeners will vibe with the way the listener's history is spoken about. this is not meant to be exclusionary, it's just a script that explores some specific baggage, and that i hope can bring some comfort to transfems with histories with this sort of thing.

at just under 2700 words (26 to 28 minutes to read through), this is probably the longest script i've ever posted! a lot of that is down to the fact that i've leaned on making this one quite heavy on specific asmr triggers, rather than just being a comforting monologue, so some sfx may be ideal if you're so kind as to fill it.

changing the speaker gender, light editing and improv is fine, but this is a strictly 4TF script and any changes made should reflect that! if you wanna monetise or paywall it, that's fine, but make it freely available down the line, the dolls are mostly broke as hell, also let meeeee have it early :3

summary: your aunt is getting married next week, and your older brother is insisting that you book a hair appointment before the big day, so that you don't show up looking as messy as you did last time. unfortunately, haircuts are kind of a sore subject for you; growing up, you had no control over them, often getting it cut short against your will, and the fear of that never quite went away. thankfully, your brother gets it, and offers to give you a quiet, safe, and relaxing trim at home, while he rambles at you about all the things that are on his mind.

script below

Hey, sis. You seen my phone?

Uh huh. Are you sitting on it? You’ve been lying on the sofa for like an hour, you could be on top of it. Could you just check?

[faux-annoyed] Ohhhh, you’re comfy? You’re comfy where you are and don’t wanna move?

Do you want me to lift you up again? Do you really want to reopen that can of worms? Because we both know I can do that. We discovered this, together, the last time this happened.

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Up you get.

Ah, there, knew it. Damn thing was between the couch cushions.

[sarcastic] There you go, your highness. The princess may return to her swooning couch.

Yeah yeah, keep sticking that tongue out at me sis, it makes you sooooo scary.

Hm? What did I need my phone for?

Let me answer that question with a question. What hairdresser do you usually go to?

Why do I need to know? Well, I’m going to book you an appointment. Aunt Carol’s wedding is next week, and you are not showing up with all… that.

I know, you take immaculate care of your hair, the shower is going to smell of coconut until the end of time because of how much product you use. But you can’t condition your way out of split ends, and it all looks a little frizzy, even with how well you take care of it.

[exasperated, not angry] No, you absolutely will not book it yourself! I told you to do it last time Aunt Carol got married, and then you told me you forgot! Even though I reminded you like five times!

I know you apologised for that, but you also said it wouldn’t happen again. You should be thanking me, I’m just trying not to make a liar out of you. So. Hairdresser. Name. Address. Phone number, if you know it.

… you promise you’ll do it yourself?

[he laughs, misreading her genuine pleading for him to stop and let her handle it herself as more playful defiance]

Pfft. Uh huh. I’m gonna make you do it now, in that case, so I know it’s done. Come on, get your phone out so I can- [realisation] whoa, hey, are you ok?

[softly] Sis. Don’t hide your face. Let me see you.

Are you… Jesus, you look seriously freaked out. Is everything ok? Because if you don’t want to go to the stupid wedding, we don’t have to-

… it’s not the wedding? OK, what’s up?

Sis? Come on, talk to me.

It’s just a haircut. I’m not gonna make you get it styled if you like it the way it is, but it needs to be trimmed and tidied up. You get this kind of thing done all the time, right?

[thinking, putting the pieces together] … wait. I’m not sure if you do. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you go to the hairdresser. Not since you uh… you know, had a choice about it, anyway.

Well I mean, it made sense at first, I just figured you wanted to grow your hair out as much as possible, but… huh, I actually can’t remember the last time you got a haircut.

[she tries to explain, but her voice is halting and shaky]

Oh. Ohh. Oh shit.

You’re scared of going, aren’t you?

Hey, hey, it’s ok, I’m not mad at you or anything. Sorry, I didn’t even think… but yeah, no, that uh. That makes sense.

[halting, not sure how much to say] Guess you… have some bad memories of stuff like that, right?

Yeah. Mom and dad weren’t exactly… they didn’t get it. Just… treated you like you were being difficult for no reason. Didn’t care that you wanted to wear your hair long, just…

Fuck. I’m sorry, sis. It didn’t even cross my mind, I just… you know. I look at you, and I think ‘girl’, and I guess… I just assume all girls are going to the salon regularly?

[she jokes that that’s a little sexist]

[relieved that she’s making a joke] Haha, yes, you caught me being mildly sexist. Dumbass.

Sorry. I just… I look at you, and sometimes it’s easy to forget this wasn’t always… you. In a good way, I mean. I know you want to put that stuff behind you too. I’m sorry for dredging it up.

You do need a trim though, if we’re going to Carol’s dumb wedding.

[she reacts, thinking he’s going to force her]

[calming her] Hey hey, no, I’m not making you do anything, OK? I mean this is something we’re going to have to figure out long-term, you can’t spend the rest of your life not going to the hairdressers, but maybe we don’t try to untangle that in the space of the next week. So I was thinking, maybe for now… I could just give you a trim?

Pfft, don’t look at me like that! What?

[laughing] No, I am not going to make you look ‘chopped’, you brat! It’s not like I’m going to be doing anything complicated to it, I’m just tidying it up. I’ve done it for a few friends before. Remember that semester I got totally stuck in my college dorm, during lockdown?

[cheeky] Mhm, bet you do, because you missed me sooooo much, didn’t you? Absolutely helpless without your big brother, huh?

Well, while you were mournfully standing at the end of the pier and awaiting my glorious return, I actually got pretty good at cutting my dormmates’ hair.

[sincere] So, don’t worry about a thing, ok? I’ve got you. Let’s get set up in the kitchen, yeah?

[fade out. cut back in in the kitchen. sound of running water, soap and bubbles]

Hm? Well, yeah, I am just giving you a trim. But I figure, since you haven’t been to the salon in… ever, it’s been a while since someone else has washed your hair for you.

[splashing as he dips his hands in the water, squirt of a shampoo bottle]

[she expresses some hesitation, and moves as if she’s about to get out of her chair]

[cautioning] Hey, hey, come on. You agreed to this. I know you’re sensitive about your hair, but I’m going to take good care of you.

Hmm, well, I could let you get up, or-

[another splash as he starts working the water into her hair]

Thaaaat’s it. Heh, that was easy. The second my fingers touched your scalp you melted. Let me just wet this, aaaaand…

[soft, bubbly crunch as he starts working the shampoo in]

[teasing] Any more complaints, sis? I told you I was good at this.

[soft shampoo noises continue throughout]

Wow, you are leaning into my hand. That’s so cute.

What? I’m allowed to call my sister cute.

Yeah, I know you’re an adult now. That’s why it’s extra important that I remind my little sister that she’s cute.

Alright, you’re all nice and shampooed…

[soft running water and soap suds as the shampoo is washed out of her hair]

Let’s see. Think the conditioner was around here somewhere…

[some soft rummaging]

Aha! Let’s get this worked in…

[soft squelching sounds as the conditioner is worked into her hair, continues throughout]

[she says something inaudible]

[teasing] Huh? What was that sis? It sounded like you tried to say something, but it just came out as a cute little sigh.

[she repeats herself, more clearly]

[pleased] Why yes, I am really good at this, thank you for noticing! Like I said, got a lot of practice in those dorms.

And you’re getting the luxury treatment, since I actually have product to work with. I had to cut some girls’ hair after washing it with men’s shower gel.

Yeah, I was as horrified as you look. I may not care as much about that stuff as you, but that experience made me ditch the three-in-one shower crap forever.

God, I missed being home…

[an extended pause]

I missed you.

[slightly surprised] ‘Course I did. You think I wouldn’t rather have been hanging out with you at home for a semester, rather than being stuck in a dorm full of hygienically illiterate freshmen?

Besides, considering what you were dealing with while I was away…

Yeah. I know sis. I just wish I could have done more.

[she tells him she appreciates it, but she got through it. She’s got to grow up sometime. Can’t rely on him forever]

Ha. No, I suppose you’re right. Can’t fix all your problems for you, can I?

[quiet, a little hollow] It’d be nice if I could, though.

[snapping back to his chirpy demeanour] Right! Uh, conditioner is worked in.

[running water again as the conditioner is rinsed out]

Give me a second to run it under the hairdryer…

[soft, very quiet hairdryer sfx, possibly with humming throughout, for ten or so seconds]

There we go. Dry already. Told you I was good. [this is meant as a little nudge-wink for the listener, because obviously the hair would not dry that quickly in reality]

Now, the comb and the scissors…

[hair cutting SFX continues throughout]

Mm, there we go. Doesn’t that feel nice?

Mhm, that’s right. You’re safe. I’m not going to do anything but tidy up your very nice hair. OK, sis? Nothing bad is going to happen.

Yeah, let me just deal with these split ends…

[another short silence]

Hey… can I tell you something… kinda weird?

[sarcastic] Haha, you think everything I tell you is weird? Yeah yeah, laugh it up, but I’m being serious here.

It’s… I don’t know, something that just kinda popped into my head again. You know that feeling where you’ve forgotten something, and then this flash of memory, just this single moment, pops right back into your head, fully intact? That’s it. It’s just this… weird thought I had back when we were kids.

[turns attention back to her hair] Oops. Sorry, just move your head a little, so I can get at this bit…

There!

But, yeah, it was… it was just after you’d gotten back home from the mall one day. I don’t remember exactly how old we were, but mom had taken you out for a haircut. From what I could tell, she’d screamed herself hoarse at you for making it so difficult again. You had run upstairs to hide in your room, and I could hear you crying through the wall.

[she asks him why he’s bringing this up now, of all times]

I know. Sorry, sis. Bad memories. Promise I’m going somewhere with this.

I just remember having this… I don’t know, thought that came into my head. I was thinking about how every time you went to get a haircut, it was this whole thing, and how upset it made you. And then this like, total bolt from the blue.

‘What if you were a girl in disguise?’

Ha! I see you giving me that little smile. Yes, I really thought that, for half a second anyway. Like… like you were Sheik in the Legend of Zelda, or something. We were still pretty young at the time, so you can cut me some slack for thinking it. I don’t know, I just had this sudden thing click into place. If you were a girl, it’d make sense why getting your hair cut short made you so upset, right? Why mom and dad had to drag you kicking and screaming every time. Frankly it would have explained a whole lot of other stuff about you, too…

And then I dismissed the idea. Obviously there were a whole bunch of reasons that mom and dad wouldn’t have just, had a daughter and then forced her to pretend to be a boy, and then engaged in some wild conspiracy to not tell me.

But… yeah, there was this brief moment where… everything about you just made sense. Emotionally, anyway. And then I blinked, and it was just this weird, silly, childish fantasy I’d had.

Except… there was a kernel of truth in it, right?

Like… it wasn’t exactly the way I’d imagined it, but you were secretly a girl, and they did force you to be… not that. Even when none of us quite knew how to put that into words.

[another pause]

Can I say something stupid?

I… was one of the first people you told, right?

Wow. The first? [a little moved] I don’t… think I ever knew that. Thanks, sis. [back on track] Uh, but… I remember that night you knocked on my bedroom door at the wrong side of midnight, and said you had something to tell me.

[playful and teasing] Yes, you recall correctly, it was the night before my driving test. And while I love you dearly, and fully accept you in every possible way, I will never quite forgive you for making me do that on four hours of sleep.

[a pause, then serious again] But… when you sat down next to me on the bed, and told me you wanted to transition, I… just didn’t know very much about what you were talking about. I… I understood that you were sad. God knows I’d seen enough of it, living with you as long as I had. As far as I could tell, you thought being a girl would make you happy. And that was enough for me! I gave you a hug and told you I’d help however I could, and that I loved you, but… looking back, I wish I’d known more. Maybe I could have done something, helped you figure things out sooner, because looking back now, it all seems so obvious-

[she says it’s not his fault he didn’t know]

[a little hollow again] Ha. Yeah, I suppose I can’t beat myself up too much for it. But I guess I just… I wanted you to know that even without the words to explain it, I… I saw bit of the truth.

[halting, trying to put his thoughts into words] People always say that thing, right? Like, a trans person was always the gender they transition into. And when I was just hearing that without any context, I didn’t understand it.

But when it comes to you… it’s like, I kinda get it. You really were always my sister. Even back then, when you didn’t have the hair or clothes or body or name or life that you wanted, I could still see little flashes of the real you, peeking through it all.

Although that said… [one final snip] I am very glad that you’re able to embrace those things now.

Mhm, hair’s all done. Take a look!

See? So much better. And that long, pretty hair of yours hasn’t gone anywhere. I’ve just tidied it up a little. Nobody is going to take it away from you.

[she half-jokes that she should just get him to do it from now on]

[playful] Hey, if you want me to keep doing it, I’m going to start charging. This was a one-time thing. We’ll look at getting you booked into a salon or something for next time.

[a little rueful] Well, like you said. I can’t solve all your problems for you, right?

[another pause]

You look nice, sis.

[teasing] Although I hope you realise that, after you’ve made me do all that work, there’s no way you’re wriggling out of going to this dumb wedding.

Ah ah, no backsies! You are not making me go on my own, absolutely not. I need someone in that room who’s going to find all the jokes I make at our family members’ expense suitably hilarious.

Plus, when I inevitably drink too much champagne at the reception to cope with family exposure, I’m going to need someone to stand outside with me and listen to me drunkenly wax lyrical about my incredibly interesting theories of life and romance and death and whatever, then drag me safely back to my hotel room… [audio fading out] Ha. Yes, just like last time. I know you’ll have my back, sis. Just like I’ve got yours. Always.