Fuck OCD and magical thinking
Ugh I have no words, I hate fucking OCD and "magical thinking" I just lost my dog, I held him all night even after he took his last breathe so he wouldn't be alone. I loved him so fucking much! The problem is my OCD and "magical thinking" my curse is: I believe if I weigh a certain amount everything in my life will be okay and even good. But if I go over. then everything turns to shit. I know it isn't my fault and I know I didn't kill my dog, but my stupid fucking brain keeps telling me I did, and it's my fault because I didn't try hard enough to stay at that perfect number to keep him from dying. I'm over 40 years old I know this isn't fucking real, but at the same time it feels so real. I wish more people realized that this disorder is a thousand times more complex than " I just want to be skinny and pretty" bullshit. I'm too old for this, but every time something bad happens this is where my brain immediately goes and I can't stop it. I was just holding him all night watching him slowly pass ( he was already under medical sedation by our vet while we waited for test results) and all I could think about was please please please I promise I won't ever eat again, just please stay with me, I promise I will be a better dog mom by not getting fat so you can stay here with me. How fucking pathetic am I? And I'm a fucking ATHEIST!!!!