u/TtttthrowwwAaaawayyy

Hello, I started therapy a couple of years ago because I was struggling with my will to live, immediately I got attached to him and googled him, looked at his socials frequently too see what he was up to etc.

2 months later we started, I was having one of my walks and I had the urge to walk by his office (like on the street where it is) because I remembered he told me the session before he would have been back from his holiday that day and I wanted to see if he was there? (Like, see if the lights were on from outside, not actually see him or look through the windows).
I thought even about lingering nearby because I was missing our sessions a lot (the holiday lasted a month) but I was able to kick myself home after a couple of minutes.

A few days later I was having a walk again because I had to go to a store nearby and I wanted to pass by that street again, I could have took a different route but I wasn’t able to resist it.

I felt so guilty and disgusted and I promised myself to never do it again.
4 months passed and I was able to stop doing this but then I found his address (from the IVA) and went there (I was already outside so I didn’t get out of my house just to do this but still, creepy) to see if there was his name (it was a flat complex not a single house) and then left. Just like the studio, it also happened once (don’t remember if it was the same day or another) that I passed in front of it when I was having a walk and thought about lingering but again kicked myself home.

I don’t think I did because I wanted to spy him and understand his routines, where he goes in his free time to randomly meet him or anything like that, I think it just reassured me knowing he was there even tho I actually didn’t know if he there in that moment (not trying to justify myself, just explaining my thoughts process).

Again, promised to never do this again and for almost a year and a half I did nothing, except looking at his public social. Unfortunately 2 months ago I did something bad again: I was in my car after running some errands and I saw him get in the car near the hospital. I knew he was going to his studio because he told me his work schedule and for some reason I wanted to verify it (and I think I just wanted to see if it was really him that I saw) and went to his studio too and drove by but he was (thank god) already inside.
A few days later this happened I also made fake accounts to add his wife and friends because I wanted to see more pictures of him.

I am not in love with him and never intended to harm him nor interact with him because actually I was scared to be seen but I still wish I never did any of this, I am not there constantly and for hours as these are the only times it happened and I don’t get out from my house with the intention of doing this but I think this is still stalking.

I want to never do any of this again, I permanently deleted the fake accounts and I am not even checking his public socials anymore because I don’t want to feed this obsession and make it escalate again. It already feels much better, I should have realized that something as small as frequently checking if he posted something was fueling it and that the responsibility to not act on these feelings is completely mine, a professional can help me but can’t stop me, and being able to refrain to google them etc has made me feel much more in control in general. I can keep this streak of normal behavior and I want to. It’s not like I always have these thoughts and “urges” and make calculated plans ahead to do something so I don’t understand why it happened but so far I haven’t gotten them anymore at all, not even when I randomly see him.

I didn’t tell him anything because I don’t want him to feel unsafe but I wanted to fix this so I thought about simply switching and today I went to another therapist to talk honestly about these behaviors. She said I didn’t do anything bad, illegal or dangerous and the intent wasn’t harmful and that I should just go back and talk to him about this attachment to work through it, even without disclosing my behaviors.

She assumed at first I was doing this out of attraction to him but I explained to her that I don’t want anything more from him than being my therapist so then she said that maybe I wanted to apply some sort of control over him but that’s not it at all, I don’t want to possess, control or harm him. I told her my guess was attachment/dependency and I was seeking reassurance, maybe it’s because I feel like he lies to me and he’s very inconsistent with appointments: for example, sometimes he tells me we need to schedule very far because he’s full, then next time we check our appointments he would say “why we have an appointment so far? There must have been some issues I guess” and a lot more of things like this where he was so confusing, actually the times where in a month I got my spot as agreed were very rare and I always suffered for this a lot. (Not because I was mad at him or held resentment, I’ve never been angry at him but in the sense that I was hurt and would cry thinking not even my therapist cares).

She said I didn’t do anything wrong in her eyes because it’s not like I burned his car or killed his wife.

I didn’t expect her to tell me this and I can’t agree with her at all, I think what I did is severe and not “normal”. What should I do? Listen to her or try with a third professional?

Hello, I started therapy a couple of years ago because I was struggling with my will to live, immediately I got attached to him and googled him, looked at his socials frequently too see what he was up to etc.

2 months later we started, I was having one of my walks and I had the urge to walk by his office (like on the street where it is) because I remembered he told me the session before he would have been back from his holiday that day and I wanted to see if he was there? (Like, if the lights were on, not actually see him).
I thought even about lingering nearby because I was missing our sessions a lot (the holiday lasted a month) but I was able to kick myself home after a couple of minutes.

A few days later I was having a walk again nearby because I had to go to a store and I wanted to pass by that street again, I could have took many different routes but I wasn’t able to resist it.

I felt so guilty and disgusted and I promised myself to never do it again.
4 months passed and I was able to stop doing this but then I found his address (from the IVA) and went there (I was already outside so I didn’t get out of my house just to di this but still, creepy) to see if there was his name (it was a flat complex not a single house) and then left. Just like the studio, it also happened once (don’t remember if it was the same day or another) that I passed in front of it when I was having a walk and thought about lingering but again kicked myself home.

Again, promised to never do this again and for almost a year and a half I did nothing, except looking at his public social. Unfortunately 2 months ago I did something bad again: I was in my car after running some errands and I saw him get in the car near the hospital. I knew he was going to his studio because he told me his work schedule and for some reason I wanted to verify it and went to his studio too and drove by but he was (thank god) already inside.
A few days later this happened I also made fake accounts to add his wife and friends because I wanted to see more pictures of him.

I am not in love with him and never intended to harm him nor interact with him because actually I was scared to be seen but I still wish I never did any of this, I am not there constantly and for hours as these are the only times it happened but I think this is still stalking.

I want to never do any of this again, I permanently deleted the fake accounts and I am not even checking his public socials anymore because I don’t want to feed this obsession and make it escalate again. It already feels much better, I should have realized that something as small as frequently checking if they posted something was fueling it and that the responsibility to not act on these feelings is completely mine, a professional can help me but can’t stop me, and being able to refrain to google them etc has made me feel much more in control in general. I can keep this streak of normal behavior and I want to.

I didn’t tell him anything because I don’t want him to feel unsafe but I wanted to fix this so I thought about simply switching and today I went to another therapist to talk honestly about these behaviors. She said I didn’t do anything bad, illegal or dangerous and I should just go back and talk to him about this attachment to work through it, even without disclosing my behaviors.

I didn’t expect her to tell me this and I can’t agree with her at all, I think what I did is severe and not “normal”. What should I do? Listen to her or try with a third professional?

tw: stalking

Hello, I started therapy a couple of years ago because I was struggling with my will to live, immediately I got attached to him and googled him, looked at his socials frequently too see what he was up to etc.

2 months later we started, I was having one of my walks and I had the urge to walk by his office (like on the street where it is) because I remembered he told me the session before he would have been back from his holiday that day and I wanted to see if he was there? (Like, if the lights were on, not actually see him).
I thought even about lingering nearby because I was missing our sessions a lot (the holiday lasted a month) but I was able to kick myself home after a couple of minutes.

A few days later I was having a walk again nearby because I had to go to a store and I wanted to pass by that street again, I could have took many different routes but I wasn’t able to resist it.

I felt so guilty and disgusted and I promised myself to never do it again.
4 months passed and I was able to stop doing this but then I found his address (from the IVA) and went there (I was already outside so I didn’t get out of my house just to di this but still, creepy) to see if there was his name (it was a flat complex not a single house) and then left. Just like the studio, it also happened once (don’t remember if it was the same day or another) that I passed in front of it when I was having a walk and thought about lingering but again kicked myself home.

Again, promised to never do this again and for almost a year and a half I did nothing, except looking at his public social. Unfortunately 2 months ago I did something bad again: I was in my car after running some errands and I saw him get in the car near the hospital. I knew he was going to his studio because he told me his work schedule and for some reason I wanted to verify it and went to his studio too and drove by but he was (thank god) already inside.
A few days later this happened I also made fake accounts to add his wife and friends because I wanted to see more pictures of him.

I am not in love with him and never intended to harm him nor interact with him because actually I was scared to be seen and it’s “just” reassurance seeking (not justifying myself but just explaining my issue) but I still wish I never did any of this, I am not there constantly and for hours as these are the only times it happened but I think this is still stalking.

I want to never do any of this again, I permanently deleted the fake accounts and I am not even checking his public socials anymore because I don’t want to feed this obsession and make it escalate again. It already feels much better, I should have realized that something as small as frequently checking if they posted something was fueling it and that the responsibility to not act on these feelings is completely mine, a professional can help me but can’t stop me, and being able to refrain to google them etc has made me feel much more in control in general. I can keep this streak of normal behavior and I want to.

I didn’t tell him anything because I don’t want him to feel unsafe but I wanted to fix this so I thought about simply switching and today I went to another therapist to talk honestly about these behaviors. She said I didn’t do anything bad, illegal or dangerous and I should just go back and talk to him about this attachment to work through it, even without disclosing my behaviors.

I didn’t expect her to tell me this and I can’t agree with her at all, I think what I did is severe and not “normal”. What should I do? Listen to her or try with a third professional?

I need to change therapist because my attachment to him has gone very wrong and I need to fix this. If I go to another therapist and tell them that I stalked the previous one, will they report me?

I got attached to him immediately, like literally from the first session but it was ok, I read about transference and I understood it was normal, I was thinking about him a lot and missing him between sessions, I craved for his comfort and fantasized about him hugging me or telling me reassuring things. I was also looking at his public account and reading about his online informations.

So far it was strange but still nothing crazy. Then, I believe two months later we started I started acting absolutely insane: he told me he was on vacation for a month and the exact day he would be back (for appointments reasons) and on that day, I was having my walk (I was doing them because we discussed it to take walks 2-3 times a week for my depression) so I passed by his studio to see if he was back (it was evening so I understood from the lights being on). I even sat a little far away because I was hoping to see him (but didn’t want him to see me) but I was able to kick myself after couple of minutes because it was so wrong.

A couple of days later I was having another of my walks and I just walked by again.

I think I was able to stop then, because I felt so shit about it, I didn’t want to behave like this but for some reasons I wasn’t strong enough to resist it but I promised myself to never do it.

Some months passed and I found his address (because of his IVA that I have from payments receipts). I don’t remember exactly if I was already outside but I went there to see the intercom (I think that’s how you translate it), I don’t know why and felt absolutely like shit for doing it. I don’t remember if it was the same time or another day but I think I thought I saw him driving in his car while I was in the area of his house so I sat near there too. Again I was able to kick myself after a couple of minutes because I felt so guilty and didn’t want anyone to see me.

I think there was other times where I passed by car but I don’t remember because it’s areas that I often have to drive by anyways.

Again I promised to never do it again, I felt (and still feel) absolutely disgusted by these behaviors and I genuinely wanted to stop because I didn’t want to be a weirdo and creep.

More than a year passed and I was able to not do any weird shit then a couple of months ago I do even worse: I was in my car about to go home and I randomly see him getting in his car near the hospital so I knew he was going to his studio (because he told me in the morning he works at the hospital and the rest of the day at his studio) and I basically followed him. I didn’t follow his car literally but it’s still following. When I got there I passed by in my car and he was already inside his studio (his car was parked, I know his car because I’ve seen him before in it randomly and it has a very unusual color) so I then went to park and passed by on foot because I felt guilty and wanted to make sure nobody saw me and then I kicked myself home.

It doesn’t stop here unfortunately because a few days later this happened I also made a fake account to friend his partner and friends just to see more of him (I already permanently deleted them because I regret it).

It’s been another two months and I managed to not do anything or even check his public account anymore because I want to stop this shit forever. I feel so bad, I keep crying because I hate myself for indulging in these behaviors, I don’t want to be like this, I mean no harm but this is not normal behavior, this is creepy and literally stalking I wish I’ve never done any of this.
He doesn’t deserve this, he’s amazing and I adore him so how could I do this to him? Gosh, I wish I could go back and never do any of this.

I want to tell him but I fear getting reported of course. What shall I do? What shall I tell him? Everything honestly or a watered down version?Please help I don’t want to be like this, I want these feelings to stop forever and never come back with him and potentially with anyone else, I want to be normal like everyone else that doesn’t have these thoughts.
My next appointment in in 3 weeks but I am thinking of asking him if he can sees me earlier to talk about this.