How long did yours take?
How long did your divorce take? I just need to share and feel supported right now. Holidays are hard.
I should have divorced him a long time ago. It’s been 16 years and I’m finally sticking to the decision to leave him, but after a marriage of covering for him and making him look good (to kids too) it’s hard for people to understand why I would leave. We married after 5 years of dating when I became pregnant. But it always felt like he hated me. I just wanted him to be happy. His drinking was so bad when the kids were little. He was never ever around…sometimes “working” 80 hours a week (for a salaried position that only required 40), but in reality he was with his friends drinking for much of it. He would come home and verbally, sometimes physically, come after me but never took accountability because he was blackout drunk. I was isolated with the kids in housing provided by his boss on a property we had to get approval to have visitors. I tried hard to build small businesses from home and teach fitness classes but ultimately, with 3 kids 5 and under, it was just too hard to grow those to a meaningful income and I eventually backed off (also my husband frequently telling me I wasn’t making enough money, no matter how hard I tried).
Now we live in a home that’s too big and too expensive but it’s what he wanted to keep up appearances so I didn’t question it. I thought if he was happy and had what he wanted he’d finally want me. But he blames me for everything and I’m tired of begging for scraps and not getting even an ounce of attention, recognition or love.
About 3 years ago I first told him I wanted to divorce him. He go mad, canceled my access to bank accounts, took the car keys and threatened me. I eventually backed down and said we’d give it time. Then I hired a lawyer and we started the process, but he begged me not to for financial reasons and for the kids. So I drop it and…shocker…things got worse. This time I’m not backing down. I need out for my sake and the kids. And, of course, few people believe me because why would they? I never once mentioned the abuse, control manipulation until now.
I filed for divorce 7 months ago and we have only had one mediation. I feel disappointed by my lawyer who seemed, at first, to be a woman who understood and would fight for me. We have another mediation in 6 weeks, but based on how my stbx showed up in the first mediation (suddenly wanting sole custody, trying to demand i live in same town as him, and learning between our business and his on-a-whim purchases we are millions in debt with a literal loan on everything we own). He is happy as a clam right now. Like he doesn’t have a care in the world because knowing I’m miserable and trapped seems to be one of the few things he enjoys. As such, I have a feeling this could go to trial, but I cannot keep living here. I’d love to move but we live a rural life and my kids (now 11-14) and dogs and livestock are part of what makes it hard to just save up and rent something (plus I don’t have high enough income to support that and he would never allow family funds for that).
I know i know…I was so stupid to let myself get into this trap. Looking back I see how naive I was. But I’m hoping someone has some support, insight or just kind words of encouragement. How long did your divorce take? And please tell me it will get better…..there is so much grief inside me.