I’m HoH and feel like I don’t belong m in the Deaf or Hearing Community
So I was born with hearing loss due to a birth defect and have been slowly losing my hearing over the years (I’m almost 20 now and need hearing aids). As a child, due to that same defect, I was unable to talk/make noise until I was old enough to get corrective surgery and YEARS of physical and speech therapy to learn how to talk. So before that, I used sign as my main form of communication.
But here’s the thing: my parents were both older and the children of immigrants. They were very much of the mindset of “if our child is different it will be a burden” so the moment that I started being able to make noise, they stopped using sign with me and pushed me to learn to talk—I still have trouble speaking clearly all these years later and have lost my knowledge of sign language. I also wasn’t allowed hearing aids until I turned 18 and could choose for myself because my parents rather tried for every corrective surgery the doctors could think of, even ear drum reconstruction (which I told them I would not get done).
Anyways, in the past year I’ve been trying to learn ASL as my doctors say I may lose almost all of my hearing once I get older and I’d rather know sign now then try to learn it then. I’m taking classes in college and have gotten okay, I know I still need more practice, but this is my dilemma: I can’t have a single conversation with someone hearing where I’m not constantly asking them “huh?” Or “what did you say?” And I have accommodations to have captions and to sit up front in class to hear my professors, and all that jazz. I’m the only HoH person in my school’s ASL society and we work with our school’s ASL Professors to try to get more people involved in the program/aware of deaf culture, but at my every chance to volunteer or spread awareness, my professors say I’m “not Deaf enough.”
I understand that my experience isn’t the same, but it’s not like I’m hearing just because I stumble my way through conversations (I use context clues or lip read about half the time if I’m not constantly asking people to repeat themselves) and I understand there’s a culture side to growing up deaf or with a deaf family member that I won’t have, but it’s not as if I had the same childhood as someone hearing either.
I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else who’s HoH or who’s lost hearing later in life feels the same way. Perhaps it’s just my Professors but it feels like there’s some kind of bar you have to reach to be accepted. I mean, do I have to wait until my 30s or 40s when I’m projected to have lost the majority of my hearing? I’m trying to learn and I don’t want to be rude, but it just becomes frustrating when I can relate to so many of the problems around not being able to hear like everyone else and yet I’m told I’m still not Deaf enough to participate in deaf events/try to find a community with people who face similar struggles.
My friends and family are learning sign because they know it will be necessary to be able to communicate with me once I’m older. My sister surprised me by having taught my nephew my sign name while I was away at college. I have days where I get tired of my hearing aids and just either sign at people out and about or am able to have short convos with my friends if we’re in a quiet place. I have an app to give me captions when on phone calls because it’s hard to hear over the phone. All of these things just make me feel so isolated from the Hearing community but when I try to go to the Deaf community (particularly in my school) it’s like I’m suddenly not qualified enough.
I suppose part of this is me venting, but I’m genuinely curious if anyone else has felt this way/is there anything I can do to remedy this? I’m trying to get better at sign but it’s just so frustrating when all my experiences are deemed inadequate just because my proficiency at the language isn’t there yet.