u/TurnoilZen77

.

I’m looking for perspective, not validation.

I’m 48 and have been with my wife for 27 years. We have two daughters who are nearly grown.

Four months ago my wife discovered that, over roughly the previous year, I had been seeing tantric practitioners, escorts, and eventually entered a few sugar relationships. There were dozens of encounters during that year.

I understand this was a profound violation of my marriage. I was wrong. I’m not looking to justify or minimize what I did. If my wife decided to leave because of my actions, I would completely understand. I also understand she may never trust me again.

The reason I’m posting is because I’m trying to understand whether I’m finally confronting a compatibility issue that has existed for most of our marriage, or whether I’m simply rationalizing my own behavior.

Our marriage has been essentially sexless for most of its history. Using the common definition of fewer than ten times a year, I think we’ve met that standard for nearly our entire marriage. We haven’t had sex in over three years, only a handful of times in the last five, and I’d estimate we’ve had sex perhaps 50–60 times over the last 22 years. More than the frequency, I’ve rarely felt desired, pursued, or experienced our relationship as sexually playful or curious.

I also recognize my responsibility. Instead of honestly confronting how deeply this affected me or ending the marriage, I chose secrecy and betrayal.

The difficult part is that my wife is genuinely a wonderful partner in almost every other way. She’s an incredible mother, loyal, responsible, and we’ve built a beautiful life together. This isn’t a story where she’s the villain and I’m the victim. If anything, I’m the one who broke our vows.

Over the last year I also lost over 100 pounds (her too), got healthier, started therapy, rediscovered creativity, and experienced feeling desired for the first time in decades. I felt profoundly alive. Looking back, only a few of those relationships actually felt like they offered the emotional and sexual connection I was searching for. Most were empty. That realization has been important.

I’m realizing that sexuality isn’t just about sex for me. It’s about feeling desired, emotionally connected, playful, and alive. I’m also realizing that autonomy matters to me more than I admitted. I’m considering spending a weekend at a Zen center simply to think because I don’t feel like I can hear my own thoughts clearly while living in the middle of all this.

Every therapy session, conversation, and experience gives me more information. I want to stop hiding and make a conscious decision rather than staying because it’s familiar or leaving because I’m overwhelmed Or just want short term sex.

For people who have been through something similar:

• Did you rebuild your marriage after recognizing deep sexual incompatibility?
• Did you conclude that loving someone wasn’t enough because your needs were fundamentally different?
• If you stayed, what genuinely changed?
• If you left, how did you know it was the right decision?

I’m not asking anyone to excuse my behavior. I fully accept responsibility for what I’ve done. I’m trying to understand what an honest next chapter looks like.