u/TxScribe

Some of my thoughts ... I lost her so long ago and so gradually that I can't point to the moment I lost her, but she has been gone a very long time even before her passing. She died on April 12 at 9am (1012 hrs officially). That was the moment that her body died. At that point her passing was a relief as her suffering was over, and the dystopian nightmare she was trapped in was ended. That was the hardest part, as that void got deeper and darker I was powerless to stop it and end it, I was powerless to wake her up and make everything alright. I've never felt a more profound mix of feelings between wailing that she was gone, and rejoicing that she was free and at peace.

I'd give anything to be able to make one more smart ass comment, and have her playfully smack me one more time. Even during her decline stuff like that was there, that sly smile when I told her that she was so cute when she tried to act tough. That's the part of me that desperately wanted to drag it out, to enjoy the crumbs of who she was, but I'll never see that sly smile again, because she is in fact and finitely gone ... but at the same time I'm glad she is gone because all of the nightmare that went along with the few crumbs is over and she is at peace.

It's a weird place. I hope that this will ring true, or possibly prepare others whose love ones are in the midst of this disease. I am using a counselor to navigate the grief. Two truths can coexist ... grieving the loss of your LO, and rejoicing that their struggle is over.

Grief isn't what I expected ... I thought it would be all weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth ... although there were a couple of instances of that ... it's more like a mine field. You take a step, and you're OK ... you take a couple more steps and you're still more OK than you expected ... then you step on a memory mine and curblewy.

p.s. Nothing was done to drag it out. Actually another tough thing was standing as her advocate, enforcing her advance directives for nothing to extend the process. Despite some family debate, and nusing facility trying to force feed, her wishes were carried out to the letter.

I'm a Texas Licensed Massage Therapist and Certified Medical Massage Practitioner. I always enjoyed therapeutic work more. Had a thriving practice for 5 years but had to shut it down to be my wife's caretaker. Sold off my power table, but still have the ancillary equipment.

Now that my wife has passed on, I am thinking about starting back up again, but not really digging the thought of another "brick and mortar" practice. Going to dip my toes in doing some out of the house, and possibly mobile.

I know that no portable table is going to match the stationary power table, but what is the best for my purposes?

Thanx ... Bruce

The Food Bank is the first one that comes to mind, but looking for options. Not really church involved but don't mind church related if it's doing good community stuff.

Suggestions ??