u/TypicallyaMoron

21MtF, ADHD, ASD, OCD, Mild PTSD, compulsive sexual behavior, addiction to pot, maybe some cluster B traits. It’s a bad combo.

I have been in a trauma spiral for four years, since 2022. I dropped out of high school the same year because I couldn’t produce any work and was never able to do so.

I have, what I gather to be, a very severe problem with utilizing my executive functions. I started failing all my classes in the sixth grade and it never improved no matter how much support I got. Medication doesn’t help, I can’t even clean myself consistently.

The problem is that the situation is impossible, there is seemingly no way out. In order to improve I would have to deal with the several, individually very impairing, emotional problems that plague me on a daily basis. I cannot summon the will or consistency to do this while also having ADHD, because it’s very difficult and I am functioning on a limited energy supply, so in order to face those emotional issues I would need to have dealt with the dysfunction first. But I can’t deal with that, my reward system is fried from the drug/porn use, and the emotional issues make utilizing strategies for executive dysfunction distressing and energy intensive. There’s just screaming in my head whenever I try to do something because my self-esteem issues are so bad, utilizing strategies for executive dysfunction causes immediate and overwhelming feelings of worthlessness and powerlessness. It makes me feel stupid and broken.

I can’t quit my vices or make progress on my emotional issues because of impairment related to ADHD, but I can’t assist that impairment without having first dealt with the vices and emotional issues.

So I’m stuck making reddit posts instead of making progress because the only thing I can do is plead for help online. It’s all I know how to do, roll the dice that someone somewhere has a piece of advice that will get the ball rolling and save me. I have no other hope.

I have a therapist and a psychologist, neither of them are particularly helpful. How could they be when I can’t help myself? I have been in therapy since the first grade and haven’t found it particularly useful in helping me, though I only recently developed a full understanding of the problems extent (I only knew about the ADHD until this year)

I can’t make myself do anything, no matter what advice is given one could always ask “yeah, but how do I do that?” There is no piece of advice so good that I can’t avoid doing it.

I also can’t really wait to get better, I’ve done nothing for years. I have medical debt, I need to raise a lot of money for surgery over the next few years. I can’t just wait to be ready, but I can’t do anything about it.

My life as it is right now is not worth living. I cannot act on the parts of my thinking I most identify with, I feel like an animal.

How am I supposed to act to my own benefit when the parts of me that dictate my behavior aren’t receptive to what I know to be the best course of action? How do I make changes when I can’t listen to myself?

Meds don’t improve executive functioning no matter which one I try, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD since the sixth grade and I’ve been in therapy since the first without any improvement in executive dysfunction or general wellbeing.
I have autism and I have OCD, alongside major trauma and being trans. I can barely clean myself. I’m addicted to everything I try, but especially pot, porn, and sugar.

I dropped out of highschool at seventeen because I couldn’t keep up with the workload, I started failing nearly every class in the sixth grade and that trend never changed. I can’t get myself to engage with hobbies, clean myself or my space, meditate, exercise, or consistently do anything at all for any reason under any circumstances. I’m wildly miserable. I can’t even restrain myself, I’m constantly beholden to my own worst instincts.

I can’t engage with any trick/hack/strategy for executive dysfunction for various reasons, chief among them that using those strategies makes my head feel like it’s going to explode. Something like breaking a task into smaller pieces is humiliating, energy intensive, and unlikely to produce results of any kind. I can’t move forward, I can’t keep myself from moving backwards, I have a dozen other major issues that I can’t adress, and there doesn’t seem to be any hope of getting better ever. It seems like I simply do not have the distress tolerance necessary to recover.

So… what? I live the rest of my life like this? Even if this problem was made just a third as bad as it currently is my life wouldn’t be worth living. How am I supposed to continue from here? I’m too much of a pussy to kill myself, but if I continue to be disabled like this I can’t be happy either.

Meds don’t improve executive functioning no matter which one I try, I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD since the sixth grade and I’ve been in therapy since the first without any improvement in executive dysfunction or general wellbeing.
I have autism and I have OCD, alongside major trauma and being trans. I can barely clean myself. I’m addicted to everything I try, but especially pot, porn, and sugar.

I dropped out of highschool at seventeen because I couldn’t keep up with the workload, I started failing nearly every class in the sixth grade and that trend never changed. I can’t get myself to engage with hobbies, clean myself or my space, meditate, exercise, or consistently do anything at all for any reason under any circumstances. I’m wildly miserable. I can’t even restrain myself, I’m constantly beholden to my own worst instincts.

I can’t engage with any trick/hack/strategy for executive dysfunction for various reasons, chief among them that using those strategies makes my head feel like it’s going to explode. Something like breaking a task into smaller pieces is humiliating, energy intensive, and unlikely to produce results of any kind. I can’t move forward, I can’t keep myself from moving backwards, I have a dozen other major issues that I can’t adress, and there doesn’t seem to be any hope of getting better ever. It seems like I simply do not have the distress tolerance necessary to recover.

So… what? I live the rest of my life like this? Even if this problem was made just a third as bad as it currently is my life wouldn’t be worth living. How am I supposed to continue from here? I’m too much of a pussy to kill myself, but if I continue to be disabled like this I can’t be happy either.