u/UnPracticed_Pagan

Hello. I tried to post this discussion in the Kemetic subgroup as I was concerned about the gods there and the Tarot, but the mods removed it without explanation.

So I decided maybe people here would discuss with me their thoughts! Original post below:

I went down the Tarot rabbit hole and learned that other than his occultism and religion of Thelema that he and Frieda Harris created the “Thoth School” Tarot, for lack of better terms, combine the Netjeru with his Thelema core values.

I know Tarot is modern. I’ve always been interested but whether it’s neurospicy brain, lack of “confidence”, excuses of no time with work etc I’ve never got the cards myself. I have always also been told or “guided” I suppose to not just grab a deck unless it calls/speaks to you for stronger connection.

So Here’s the thing/reason I’m posting for discussion.

I would love a deck depicting the artwork of the Gods. Or even a mix of celestial/space and the Gods, but I am a bit unsure if the history of the cards or the “direction” if I pick Egyptian diety based cards will lead to the Aleister Crowley tarot cards and if *that even matters? (Since tarot is modern and not of Egyptian creation anyways)*

Would it be frowned upon though because it’s likely a very false teaching and then possibly an insult to Thoth? Or am I overthinking it?

In that regard to tarot in general; what “origin” of form of tarot do you prefer to connect with the Gods?

Let’s discuss!
Thanks for reading

((Frustrated and Venting but also needing Encouragement and not necessarily the “please leave”. I get that’s an option. Thanks))

My husband has been cycling/dealing with a bad episode for about two months now. He’s finally in therapy and going consistently, but to no fault of his own but the direction/testing the medical management team wants/has been doing he hasn’t been medicated yet. Hopefully his next appointment next week he’ll get started.

But today was another rough day, and I can’t help but wonder “can I keep doing this? SHOULD I keep doing this? Do my children deserve this?”

I don’t think it’s helped that recently on this thread I’ve noticed a lot of spouses saying the trail run of medication and if the medication is/was wrong that it made things worse. I honestly don’t know if I can handle worse.

I have a pretty high tolerance to call out BS and borderline abusive behavior but after my husband went off his rails this AM and decided to call me a C U Next Tuesday in front of our young children and then when he stormed off outside my daughter went “mommy daddy is so mean, he was yelling at you..” that just broke my heart.

My children don’t need to see their mother get treated that way. I know I don’t deserve to be treated that way. Most times I’d yell and fight back but I stayed calm as I could. Even offered if he needed to call someone to talk too, and that had somehow made him more angry. Maybe it was the wrong move, but I know I’m not the one in control of his emotions - even if he wants to gaslight me and say I’m the reason. We can only control our own emotions. (And I know I’m not perfect with mine all the time)

I’m trying so hard to be patient, but each rough day just feels like another tick box of “is this tolerable or does it cross a boundary?” And I hate that.

I BEGGED him to get help for his family. I BEGGED him to not discard and let his illness let him make irrational and rash decisions and to try to slow down. To at least get help and under medication and then decide choices like that.

But now I’m the one who seems to be contemplating asking him to leave or for us to be over. Maybe I’m just at my limit, or maybe I’m hyperfocusing too much on the potential “end” where that’s why I’m thinking this way and need to try and redirect.

But I don’t know how to redirect especially from times/moments where it clearly was in front of the kids and I just can’t help think “do they deserve to live in this environment?” Because in truth the easy answer is simply no.

But the more complicated answer is their father when he is good and healthy truly is a wonderful father and husband.

But then I also saw someone else post today about patterns of being sweet and loving and it slowly edging a downward slope of being an asshole and I was like oh wow that kinda resonates with me.

Relationships, even healthy and with “healthy” people can be complicated. So I just feel so hypocritical for being the one to “hold things together” and now constantly feeling like I’m being weighed down more and more when I haven’t even let him have a chance with medication yet.

I guess I’m rambling at this point. Thanks for reading.

This is an intimate topic but I feel like we all have the same questions or see the same patterns?

Does anyone else’s BPSOs seem to have an INTENSE correlation with Sex = love?

I realize (a little late after over a decade together I suppose) my husbands “high sex drive” is not just a high sex drive. It’s hyper-sexuality, which is a symptom usually with mania.

But this hypersexuality comes with a NEED for sexual gratification that turns into “sex is the only way I feel love/loved”

Aka no sex (even if for god forbid three days!) turns into “you don’t even like me”. Which isn’t true.

This is a sensitive topic and I can’t bring this up to him yet because 1) I know he doesn’t see it as a symptom and 2) he’s not medicated yet (appointment pending! Our healthcare system is being slow even with “urgent” status on his referral)

But it makes me wonder if that’s why a LOT of manic spouses have the “unacceptable” self-destruction of what we all see on here: porn, only fans (I find the two a bit different when you have to pay someone but that’s just me), cheating/infidelity

It’s not excusing but I just wonder who else sees a correlation?

Because with the sex gratification also comes the depressed side : sex guilt, sex shame, embarrassment.

Not to mention medication then suddenly “effecting” (my guess is regulating/normalizing) the drive to what they aren’t used too. Does it tie in with the grandiose symptoms of mania too?

I deleted past posts because I had hope once he hit rock bottom he’d see how I’ve chosen him.

Maybe something is wrong with me, maybe I’m co-dependent. I saw someone else write a post how they never leave when they should, and that’s me. Except this time I’m grieving the fact I have to be strong for not myself but my children and that of the Father of my beautiful babies discards me then I have to do what’s best for them.

He truly hit rock bottom and I am so pissed off he’s too fucking smart for his own good. Combat veteran Bipolar who was also a former civilian/federal police Captain.

Left without anything and basically signs that if he can get self-deleted somehow let the world do it because his existence means nothing. After 988 and other hotlines and local resources gave me guidance because we leave in the Deep South and it already becomes 90+ degrees before 0930AM I had to go find him because of heat exhaustion risks.

Of course he didn’t want me near him which I respected, so once I found him I took note of the nearest streets to call law enforcement.

This man had death by cop in his mind, but stopped because the officer had eyes like our son. And yet somehow he STILL smooth talked his way where they didn’t detain/take him someplace. The phone call I got afterward? “He’s fine, just needed space”

Are you fucking kidding me?
The next day his body is wrecked from literally marching a half marathon to where I found him and coming home (because the cop made him realize he wants to see his children again) and has to “beg” me for help. Feels guilty and shame I’m willing to care for him.

Then the whirlwind still happens, the next day (yesterday) things go as “normal” as possible for sake of the kids but that looming talk has to happen. He admits he needs help, he is letting me help him work on getting help, but in his mind the relationship is over. We’d be better to separate.

Then as we share “what needs to happen” it became me sharing boundaries and hopes (with logic that discard/separation may still occur BUT) this man had the audacity to basically blame everything on how we got together. “I never did that before, I wasn’t the same person after we started seeing each other. It wasn’t me” then blaming me for being honest about a shitty situation that happened to me when we first got married and he deployed.

Basically I was being slandered and ostracized and used as a scapegoat at my place of work with an awful rumor I was sleeping around the fire department. I was EMS who stayed overnight on shift. All the rumors ONLY started once my husband deployed. My coworker begged me not to tell my husband when he was deployed - and in hindsight I never should have. Not because I had anything to hide. I wasn’t a whore, I wasn’t sleeping with shitty man-children who loved to haze each other for shits and giggles.

But I was 21 going on 22, I thought openness and honesty even when it was complete bullshit and false was better than “hiding it”. He uses it to this day as an excuse to blame why he chose to cheat on me overseas.

I should’ve just let him divorce me then. Technically I did. I let him leave. I said bye. But then he came back - after his diagnosis and realizing he made a mistake. And I being young and dumb and in love SAW the man I married wasn’t who came back and tried to differentiate the illness and PTSD of being around dust and sand and bloodshed and ill-timed stupid news (my accusations which were untrue and proven untrue) was all too much for him and he needed help.

Then he got on meds. He got out of the military. Then he got off meds. And somehow we’ve survived his cycles for twelve and a half years (1.5 together dating then married the rest)

And now he still looks at me and says “I always wait for you to stop picking me” - and “YOU have something wrong with you, and you need help too”

I’ve already worked on getting myself better help.
And honestly for all his blame and twisting where in his head this is apparently all been a fever dream and all his choices somehow lead to because he never did them before we got married/dated … maybe I should just give up all hope. Maybe I shouldn’t be the supportive wife who swore to vow death do us part and for better or for worse and let him get stable on meds with the small glimmer of hope he’ll actually improve.

Even though statistically it’s proven if a bipolar spouse/marriage can be healthy with medication and therapy management the children still do better vs divorce idk why I hold onto the dream I’ll get the man I married back.

I’ve seen glimpses of him over the years. It’s why I’ve stayed. It’s why we had our beautiful children.
But every time it’s always him wanting to discard and leave - and maybe I just need to stop telling myself this time will be different. Maybe I shouldn’t give him the time to get better, even if he realizes he was wrong and regrets it all, maybe that’s not my burden as his wife to bare anymore. I’ve been bearing it all for twelve years, and somehow it’s still not enough and he has to throw the curveball that apparently this all started back to twelve years ago

I’m rambling, I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore. My nervous system is shot. Im exhausted, I haven’t barely slept, I’m tired of crying.

Yet I hate the idea of my children not having a consistent father - I don’t even regret WHO their father is, I still can’t find it in myself to say I hate him. Maybe I’m too empathetic? Maybe I am crazy like he tries to say.

I just wish either way, it didn’t feel like it is sacrificing myself with either decision I make (staying and waiting it out to see if the better comes or saying goodbye for good)

Literally but not literally as the sun doesn’t set here yet.

Been dealing with his mania awhile, posted here not long ago. We had a blow up where he threatened to leave again and divorce and I said do it, because with two children I finally am realizing I can’t be selfish in trying to help him when he won’t help himself.

He left for like an hour and a half and came back, and started busting ass to take care of things around the house and spend time with the kids. I could clearly see the “good” days of him “pushing through” vs the bad days.

Well last night I tried to express desire for some form of comfort IF he wanted to reciprocate (hug, goodnight etc) - he said no and had to throw out there “we haven’t been doing it so it doesn’t matter”. I said “I’ve been trying to give you space and not pressure you”

He said “I haven’t forgotten and I won’t what happened last” (meaning me telling him to go along with his threat and leave) and that “we haven’t to talk about it” I said OK I’ve been waiting to talk but wanted him to be of a better headspace.

Well today he went more manic again. Calmly said there’s no fixing things, no point, he’s trying not to resent the kids or the fact we had them. I said even if we end/are over his kids should be a reason why he’s willing to get help for himself because he isn’t well.

I offered him more space after. He napped, he was eerily calm. We had to drive 1.5 hrs and I didn’t want to leave him alone with the kids so I asked for the address to take them myself. He said because of the location he wanted to go (aka sense of protection) - which is just a constant confusion for me.

Well now we literally just got home. He changed clothes, left everything behind (I mean EVERYTHING no phone or anything) and said he’s leaving. Life doesn’t matter. The kids aren’t the only reason he should exist, they’ll be fine.

Then he left when I was distracted with the kids when I was trying to talk him into getting help (again).

I called his mom. I wanted to chase him down and give him his phone, but I can’t just leave two kids to do that. They just were in the car for THREE HOURS and I am ready to pack them back up to find him - but I decided to call his mom.

She said hopefully he comes back, take care of the kids first. I logically agreed - I can’t enable his illness anymore. I want too be there because I have been for TWELVE YEARS but our children and them needing dinner come first.

I asked her what to do if he doesn’t come back after an hour - she said pray I don’t need to go in tomorrow for a missing person report.

He needs help and he literally left everything behind. No way to get food, pay for anything, nothing.

I don’t even know if I should go drive and look for him in two or so hours or just leave him alone …
If I have to file for a missing person report I DO plan to say he’s unmedicated and clearly in an episode and needs help and I’m worried he’s a risk to himself.
But he’s already threatened to fight the police if I call them. If I could take him to the hospital myself I would - I’m lost. Im heartbroken.

My children do not deserve this, so even if he does get help I know we can’t go on…
I don’t deserve this, my heart is crushed for the man I fell in love with who is lost and stuck beneath rubble of this illness and sucked him into this despair of a black hole with the grandiose thoughts he needs no one and no help.

I don’t know how to help him, I don’t know how to explain to my children who asked why daddy left what will happen. I know it’s super soon. It may be dramatic. He may step on the door in an hour and I can get him proper help.
He may get admitted after I drive him to a hospital myself…

But I’m terrified he may disappear for good, and I didn’t get to help him. I know it wouldn’t be my fault but I know I’ll feel the guilt that it is. I’m scared I’ll have to grieve for my children and I life we promised. And I’m scared and wishing the man I married would come back to me - not the man who is made of the illness, but the man I have been fighting not to lose for this long journey of a relationship.

If anyone’s spouse has done this please … what advise is there to even do?

Update: after multiple hotlines and guidance I called the non-emergent line and had a crisis trained team member go check on him. He apparently told them he was fine and just needed space

If he comes home at all/whenever I assume he’ll be pissed off at me but at this point I don’t have much to lose in trying to get him help
But at least before whatever else happens in this story I know I’ve done all I can tonight

I just need to vent because I am still trying to wrap my head around the audacity of this.

Lately my BP spouse has been throwing my “mental health” in my face. The UNMEDICATED, UNTREATED bipolar is going to shame his medicated wife for her anxiety?

The anxiety/depression I have been ACTIVELY getting help and treatment for?

Quotes like “you need to get your own mental health checked because apparently that medication isn’t doing anything”

“I don’t know what’s wrong with YOU ….”

Like excuse me? The unmedicated, untreated bipolar who I’ve actively been watching switch through episodes in greater (quicker) succession lately is going to get onto me and say it’s my mental health that is the problem to all our woes?

It’s only my shortcoming to deal with?

Yet when I try to have “the nerve” of asking him “so when is that mental health appointment you said you would schedule?” He’s going to get defensive and clap back “oh okay let me clear my schedule to see how fast our marriage will break down”

How does that make sense? Instead of being willing to stop and make an appointment he would rather get petty and angry and destructive and threaten our marriage? Not to mention IN FRONT of our children?

But when I tell him I want to disengage because he’s yelling and we’re “supposed to be trying to be better” for our children I’m weaponizing them against him? Even though he literally says that phrase every other day at me?!?

I’m so angry and frustrated and this recent cycle he has been doing. I feel like it’s an awful DARVO matrix but when I call him out on it I’m the aggravator.

I just don’t understand the hypocrisy and audacity of this thought process. There’s no communication, but I’m tired of the arguing and yelling so I’ve been “following” in his shoes and walking away. When he does it? Absolutely fine! When I do it? It’s me “getting the last word and not hearing him out”. of course it’s only MY communication that’s awful. When I ask him to stop yelling in front of the children HE gets mad and yells LOUDER refusing and saying no but god forbid if I yell he tells me to shut up/the fuck up.

I’m so sick of it.

First time posting here, will probably delete later

But I’m just feeling so dejected. This isn’t necessarily new, we’ve been together 11 years and known each other 12. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs and aren’t perfect partners. He detaches, I lash out for “right now”. It’s not always perfect harmony and symphony and I understand that can CRUSH him in his lows with BPD II.

I am by far no means a perfect partner, and I’ve struggled to probably do better for him. I’m aware of that.

With that said I do love him, we have WONDERFUL moments and I truly feel like the good outweigh the bad. We’ve lived a decade together and grown so much - unlike standard Reddit I understand life is hard.

But for .. the third time? Now (not “a lot” but that whole more than once should be too much) he’s basically said he feels like giving up and just leaving. Leaving me and the kids behind, disappearing (NOT self harm way; wild man way) and just being alone.

He has been off meds for years. Did years of therapy and for awhile he was convinced (and I’d say our life proved it) that he had the tools to manage. But I always knew or felt deep down he needed another medicine - but when the last one made him gain upward 75 pounds and begin signs of diabetes he got pretty (understandably) put off and afraid of the meds.
* note I say I felt that way because now, and obviously during other moments, I haven’t been fully convinced learned therapy is the best and workable tool.

He is CONVINCED I am unhappy. He says he is starting to resent me for it because I cannot change his mind - his brain tells him the happiness I show him is fake.

And I get it - during those hard times I mentioned, or us fighting when I’m not the best partner myself I can see where I’m clearly unhappy. But it’s IN THE MOMENT. It’s not with our life, not with our marriage, our children.

(Edit) I also am on anti-depressants myself, but that doesn’t make me an unhappy person in our marriage. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since high school

But he’s also done some big mistakes that makes him harbor guilt when we were too young and probably shouldn’t have married yet. I believe when those wounds surface or get brought up discussed (whether between us though we try not to as it’s been forgiven/past, or from others around us having similar situation) he uses them as reasons or tethers to make his conclusion “logical”

I have BEGGED him to get help again. He says he’s going too… but that I shouldn’t be surprised if he still leaves because his thoughts were “confirmed to be right”. Those thoughts being for some reason he’s a person who’s better off alone.

I’m devastated. I’m sad.

We’ve been down the “divorce talk” before - and I’m at the point it feels like such emotional whiplash that I almost want it to just happen and be done. But it’s not because the positives outweigh the bad, I could go on and on even further about how much we’ve built and our beautiful children and how he’s helped me grown as a person even when I thought he was an asshole. He’s a great person with such a wonderful smile when I see it and we laugh till our sides and faces hurt and love deeply when all is well.

I’m just tired of being told it’s a lie and not enough.
I told him I want him to get help and try medication before he ups and uproots his life and regrets ever future decision because of this feeling. Other than the BPD he has a lot of childhood history I feel needs unpacking too.

Maybe I am the wrong partner for him? But am I selfish for hoping that he gets help and the meds help him see he was wrong? Am I barking up the wrong tree?

I don’t want “divorce him before he divorces you” advice. But has anyone else dealt with a spouse with this type of “symptom”/ familiarity of wanting to run away? Thats how I feel it is - I feel like it’s a manic self sabotage “run away” fever.

I could be completely wrong, and if I am then he’ll leave me. But if I’m right? How do you deal with it either way?

(Edited the intended italics and bold )