u/Unfair_Bathroom_8772

I (25F) lost my mom (was 48f) about five years ago, when I was 20 and in my first year of college. She was a bus driver, and when the pandemic hit she took an early retirement and ended up stuck at home bored most days. Her drinking, which had always been on and off, got really bad during that time, but she was still usually the one handling the day-to-day stuff to get me set up for adulthood (car, dorm stuff, money for school, etc.), and my dad helped a lot with money and driving me where I needed to go.
My dad (52m) was involved too, especially with money and driving me to school and college stuff, but emotionally he’s been inconsistent.
After my mom died, I was scrolling through her email and phone (I’d always had access and was just looking through stuff) and found screenshots she’d taken of messages and one particular woman’s Facebook page. From what I could see, this woman (let’s call her D 50f )had been around since at least 2016.
For context: my parents had been together on and off for over twenty years and only officially got married about a year before my mom died in 2021. So D clearly wasn’t some “we met after the marriage ended” girlfriend. My mom was already tracking her years before.
While my mom’s drinking was at its worst, my dad basically left. He left my mom and my younger brother at home and went to stay with D. At one point less than a year before my mom died, my mom said D pulled up to her house and started dumping my dad’s clothes outside. Other relatives confirmed that, so D definitely knew my parents were together.
Fast forward: my mom dies. I’m 20, in college, grieving and just trying to survive. My dad never really sat me down to clearly explain what was going on with D or what actually happened. He’s said things like he “did some stuff,” but there’s never been a real apology or full conversation about it.
Then a year or two later he casually drops that he and D are married and have a house. From how he said it, it sounded like they’d already been married for a while and just… didn’t tell me. Meanwhile, D has a daughter who’s only a year or two younger than me and lives with them, so they have this shiny “new” family unit and I’m on the outside of it.
On top of that, there was a period in my early 20s where I was homeless and staying with an aunt. My dad basically told me that if I wanted to stay there, I needed to “be nice” and befriend D because “it’s her house too” and I shouldn’t cause problems. So even basic survival help was tied to being cool with the woman who helped blow up my family.
Last year, when my grandma died, I met D in person for the first time. I said hello, she said “nice to meet you,” and when I didn’t say it back she repeated, “nice to meet you” again like she was trying to force me to say it too, knowing damn well it is not nice for me to meet the woman who helped blow up my family. To me, that just showed they care more about forcing a “we’re all good now” narrative than about how I actually feel.
Now my dad’s stance is: if I want “100%” of him and access to certain opportunities/help, I need to build a relationship with D. Not just be polite, but actually be her friend, go over there, spend time with her, etc. If I don’t, I’m “childish,” “doing too much,” and “blocking myself.”
I’ve told him I can be civil (I’m not going to show up and start drama), but I don’t respect her and I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want to hang out at their house, I don’t want to treat her like a bonus mom, and I don’t believe any apology from her would be real. In my head, if you truly thought what you did was wrong, you wouldn’t have married the guy and built a whole life on top of it.
Right now I keep my distance physically. I don’t go over there, I don’t talk to her, and even though my dad will talk to me on the phone for hours if I call, I keep things more surface‑level because every time we get into it he tells me I’m immature and sabotaging myself by refusing to play happy family with his wife. He still shows up for me financially — if I really need money he’ll send it and he has helped with big stuff like rent before — but actually going to his house or being around him in person basically requires me to pretend I’m cool with his wife.
I’m not asking him to divorce her or cut her off. I just don’t want my relationship with my dad, or my housing/safety, to be conditional on me befriending the woman who was his side chick while my mom was alive and spiraling.

I (25F) lost my mom (was 48f) about five years ago, when I was 20 and in my first year of college. She was a bus driver, and when the pandemic hit she took an early retirement and ended up stuck at home bored most days. Her drinking, which had always been on and off, got really bad during that time, but she was still usually the one handling the day-to-day stuff to get me set up for adulthood (car, dorm stuff, money for school, etc.), and my dad helped a lot with money and driving me where I needed to go.
My dad (52m) was involved too, especially with money and driving me to school and college stuff, but emotionally he’s been inconsistent.
After my mom died, I was scrolling through her email and phone (I’d always had access and was just looking through stuff) and found screenshots she’d taken of messages and one particular woman’s Facebook page. From what I could see, this woman (let’s call her D 50f )had been around since at least 2016.
For context: my parents had been together on and off for over twenty years and only officially got married about a year before my mom died in 2021. So D clearly wasn’t some “we met after the marriage ended” girlfriend. My mom was already tracking her years before.
While my mom’s drinking was at its worst, my dad basically left. He left my mom and my younger brother at home and went to stay with D. At one point less than a year before my mom died, my mom said D pulled up to her house and started dumping my dad’s clothes outside. Other relatives confirmed that, so D definitely knew my parents were together.
Fast forward: my mom dies. I’m 20, in college, grieving and just trying to survive. My dad never really sat me down to clearly explain what was going on with D or what actually happened. He’s said things like he “did some stuff,” but there’s never been a real apology or full conversation about it.
Then a year or two later he casually drops that he and D are married and have a house. From how he said it, it sounded like they’d already been married for a while and just… didn’t tell me. Meanwhile, D has a daughter who’s only a year or two younger than me and lives with them, so they have this shiny “new” family unit and I’m on the outside of it.
On top of that, there was a period in my early 20s where I was homeless and staying with an aunt. My dad basically told me that if I wanted to stay there, I needed to “be nice” and befriend D because “it’s her house too” and I shouldn’t cause problems. So even basic survival help was tied to being cool with the woman who helped blow up my family.
Last year, when my grandma died, I met D in person for the first time. I said hello, she said “nice to meet you,” and when I didn’t say it back she repeated, “nice to meet you” again like she was trying to force me to say it too, knowing damn well it is not nice for me to meet the woman who helped blow up my family. To me, that just showed they care more about forcing a “we’re all good now” narrative than about how I actually feel.
Now my dad’s stance is: if I want “100%” of him and access to certain opportunities/help, I need to build a relationship with D. Not just be polite, but actually be her friend, go over there, spend time with her, etc. If I don’t, I’m “childish,” “doing too much,” and “blocking myself.”
I’ve told him I can be civil (I’m not going to show up and start drama), but I don’t respect her and I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want to hang out at their house, I don’t want to treat her like a bonus mom, and I don’t believe any apology from her would be real. In my head, if you truly thought what you did was wrong, you wouldn’t have married the guy and built a whole life on top of it.
Right now I keep my distance physically. I don’t go over there, I don’t talk to her, and even though my dad will talk to me on the phone for hours if I call, I keep things more surface‑level because every time we get into it he tells me I’m immature and sabotaging myself by refusing to play happy family with his wife. He still shows up for me financially — if I really need money he’ll send it and he has helped with big stuff like rent before — but actually going to his house or being around him in person basically requires me to pretend I’m cool with his wife.
I’m not asking him to divorce her or cut her off. I just don’t want my relationship with my dad, or my housing/safety, to be conditional on me befriending the woman who was his side chick while my mom was alive and spiraling.

Edit: my dad got married to my mother less than a year before my mother died and was dealing with D the entire time that they were married until my mother’s death. My parents were in a 20+ year relationship only being married for a year ( the last year of my mother’s life).