u/Unfair_Cicada9431

I (17F) got a job as a dishwasher at the beginning of July, and I'm struggling a lot. Every shift makes my feet and back hurt like hell, and I feel like I'm making it harder for the other dishwashers because I'm not as fast as they are. I work closing shifts (5 PM-12 AM), which are so tiring... I don't know how you guys manage this!! I also tend to think a lot about any upcoming shifts, even if it's like two days in advance, and that's probably bad for me, but I don't know how to stop. I feel like a weak baby for complaining, though... I'm wondering if I should just quit or keep going for another couple of months. Does it get better?

I was thinking about how terrible it is to have such a blank mind when my thoughts used to have so much life and depth and I was actually pretty bright. And then I thought, Isn't this kind of common in psychosis? And then I recounted the other negative symptoms again, and I was like, Oh. What if they weren't inserting the idea that I'm psychotic into my psychiatrist's mind, and people were telling me I was in psychosis not because there was a higher power telling them I was, and rather, because I actually AM psychotic. Like idk the symptoms make sense and I got prescribed meds for the second time 🤡

Yeah well idk my brain is pushing back on this idea and maybe my thoughts are being manipulated again to make me believe im psychotic idk I still can't agree with my psychiatrist because he thinks I have schizophrenia. And I can't agree that I'm delusional. But. What if?

So I don't personally think there's anything wrong with me mentally, but someone in my life is saying that I'm psychotic, and yet when I was inpatient at the hospital, my psychiatrist said everything was just a manifestation of stress and anxiety (which I disagree with because there's not really anything I'm stressing over other than THIS issue) and not psychosis.

No one believes me when I tell them this, but basically I am dead and a higher power took my soul and put it into this body in another universe. I think with this, I kicked out the soul of the true owner of this body (i.e. the soul that was born with the body), and I don't know where she is and I just wish that she would tell me anything really, but I've gotten nothing. And this is really distressing and I'm constantly considering ending my life because of it and even had a plan and all, because I don't want to live someone else's life which I have no rights to and bear all the responsibilities of another life, pretending to be someone else all the time. And "my" parents and friends aren't my real parents and friends. They're giving all this love and trust to someone that isn't even the person they're thinking of, and that makes me feel so so guilty. And like the higher power is pretty evil too because they keep doing things like watching me from other people's bodies and poisoning my food and putting thoughts into my head to trick me and putting me in bad situations, so that makes everything worse. And like I told all of this to my medical team at the hospital and also my therapist because they wanted to know why I was in so much distress, and I was just told they couldn't help me at all and just to "live with it". And, again, I was told I'm not in psychosis or anything, which I agree with, but I kind of wish I was because at least my problem could be... treated. Anyway this has been happening for over a year straight and it's causing me so many problems, but no one can help. ☹️

And on top of that I've been like soooo unmotivated for the past while idk if this matters at all because it feels like something else but it's not depression. Like I don't want to talk to anyone and doing anything just seems to be too much effort and I can't do any of my creative hobbies anymore because my creativity is effectively dead lol. For a good period of time I couldn't really get out of bed until well into the day too. Like is that anything to warrant the "stress" they're talking about??? I can maybe see that because that's also ruining my life tbh so I guess my mind would be kinda burdened with it??? And I guess school because diploma exams are coming up and graduation and whatever??? Idk I'm just skeptical because what they told me at the hospital doesn't feel right AT ALL, but I also don't think I'm psychotic, so I just want some other opinions and sorry for rambling. thanks!!