u/Unfair_Tone_6857

I’ve been dating my (41M) boyfriend for a little over a year. When we started dating he had been separated/ divorced for a little over a year. They shared a 9 year old son. We’ve already been through a lot together, including pregnancy loss, and we were able to work through everything well. He’s told me he feels really safe with me and trusts me like he’s never before. He is honestly the best guy and partner I’ve ever had and we talked about marriage and I was about to move into his home this month.

4 weeks ago we started having disagreements. I would say something that he’d interpret wrong and I’d apologize, I got too drunk one night and got mad he went to go help a friend get his car out of a tricky spot instead of driving me home which turned into a bigger argument about how we haven’t been sexually connected (I lost the baby 6 weeks prior), and a few other things where it was about me not meeting his needs. We talked through everything and things seemed fine until I went to his house a week later and he said he wasn’t feeling resolved. In that conversation he addressed a few of these issues and then brought new things to me like how he’s felt judged in his parenting and coparenting relationship. I’ve always questioned whether I was doing ok being in this dynamic but never got feedback so it shocked me and triggered me. I recognize, in ALL of our situations, where I could have done better. In that last convo I got ovoerwhelmed and explained how I felt I was supporting him — that my instinct is to protect someone I love and my advice wasn’t judgement, it was my desire to help. I was crying and upset through all of this. In one part of the convo he told me he wanted me to do things 1:1 with his son. He had told me prior to this that his ex’s boyfriend was doing such. And I immediately felt like I wasn’t doing enough and I was being compared. In everything I’ve read about step family dynamics it says these bonds take time and not to rush it. So that was what I was doing because I found it hard to relate to a 9 year old boy who just wants to wrestle and win every game we play together. So my reaction to that statement was “Well what if I don’t want that” and he had a look of confusion. I continued to explain what I just said above. Any time there’s been something bothering him with his coparenting dynamic or something with his son, I immediately go to problem solving and I see how I’ve done wrong there. I should have asked if he “wanted support or advice”. Afterwards I left his house so I could process all the new information I got. He said he would be ready to chat when I am.

Two days later and I’m ready so I text him. Long story short he said his friend was coming over and that HE needed more time to process which triggered me again because I felt like I wasn’t important. I lost it. I called him and ended up getting loud and dumped a bunch of stuff back at him and then broke up with him. It was super toxic and I’m aware of how unacceptable that is. But I’ve never done that before in our relationship. It’s not a pattern. I immediately regretted it and apologized and owned my part but it really affected him. He said he’s completely disregulated and needs some space. He doesn’t know when he’ll be ready to talk or what’s on the other side. It’s been almost 2 weeks since that night and he’s still unsure where he stands. He has his son half the week and is a professor and he says this has really been affecting him and he’s exhausted and needs to get regulated again and maintain his focus on his son and work. That the rug has been pulled from under him and he’s not sure we are capable of having a healthy relationship any more.

I’m dying inside because I’ve done so much work on myself and have been intentionally dating the last 5 years to find my long term partner and I never found it until him. I understand that even though we think we are healed when we are single, relationships really are the mirror to what hasn’t been healed. And this experience really rocked me to my core. I see exactly where I went wrong in my ability to self regulate, not validating his feelings about being judged and shutting down a bit when he brought all that new information to me, not being thoughtful with my words during a moment I was extremely activated, and being a mess this whole time including having a panick attack in front of him (something I haven’t had in years).

I’m afraid these last 4 weeks and especially the last 2 conversations have changed his perception of me. It sounds like he doesn’t feel safe any more and that he doesn’t think we arent capable of communicating. But I know this is where growth comes from, especially because we have both been willing to look at ourselves and make the necessary changes to love eachother better in the past. But he prioritizes his son and thinks we won’t be able to role model a healthy relationship due to all of this (we’ve NEVER had a disagreement in front of him). I know we can get through to the other side, I have so much confidence in myself that I WILL make the changes, this has really opened my eyes and I’m shattered that I might lose him because of an overwhelming event that pushed us both past our limits and brought up old pain that maybe hasn’t healed from his last marriage working out (she cheated on him). He’s really in touch with his feelings, is an anxious person Iike me, and does really deep thinking.

How can I remind him how capable we are, get him back to that feeling of safety and trust he had with me 4 weeks ago, and see that I am human and I have truly learned from my mistakes and know where I can do better? I’ve already addressed some things and validated his experience in others but he still needs more time. I’m scared that means he’s letting the relationship go and it just hurts too much because of how great our relationship truly was previously.