u/Unhappy_Debate_9956

Is it possible for somebody to go from mania to stable within a few weeks without depression/low period? If this happened, my theory is that she potentially had marijuana induced mania...

I need an outside perspective. I raised my 11-year-old stepson for seven years. His biological dad is out of the picture. His mum and I separated recently, but things only derailed after she developed CPTSD from an overseas assault.

Her behaviour spiralled. She quit her job, started drinking heavily, and neglected basic parenting. Last month, my stepson texted me requesting help because she was passed out drunk. Days later, she voluntarily gave me full custody indefinitely so she could get psychiatric help. He has been happy with me since and we are in a routine. He visits her house a couple of times a week for a few hours.

Now she has a mania diagnosis, is on new bipolar medication (which she has stopped taking). She is also dating her drug dealer, a man with a violent criminal history, and wants to introduce them.

Her family thinks she is completely fine because she posts daily gym selfies and appears happy and healthy. When I raise safety concerns, her texts are coherent but vaguely threatening, reminding me she is the "legal guardian".

I wonder if she is genuinely happy with this guy, thriving and doing well. I have not had much of a window into her life for the past few weeks so I am wondering if she has improved.

I do not like the thought of him going back to a chaotic environment. But what if it's no longer chaotic. To stop it happening, my only option is legal which is so extreme. It will blow things up and could backfire in a massive way for me. I have sought legal advice, and they advised I would likely have my request granted. Have written an affidavit and all is ready to go.

I'm thinking that perhaps I should trial it. See how he goes and provide him a reliable way to contact me if there is any trouble, which he has done before.

I would greatly appreciate advice from people who have been through similar experiences or have decent knowledge of what a manic cycle looks like (this is my first).

I'm a couple of months into my first discard / mania journey.

My relationship broke down with my ex-fiancee. We were together 7 years.

The guy she cheated with was her dealer and was in prison recently for assaulting a cop. His criminal record dates back to his late teenage years. I haven't met him but based on what I know, I don't like him.

Her boy, 11, is currently in my care. I was a father to him but not blood related for the 7 years. I am not a guardian. I have no formal legal relationship. We agreed informally three weeks ago that I was to look after him as she was not capable (FYI-she told me her Dr made a referral to child services. I now believe this was a lie as I have called the agency in question and they informed no referral had been made. More likely she wanted one on one time with the new partner).

She told the boy about her new boyfriend today. She left it in his court to 'decide if he wants to meet him'.

So in a nutshell my concerns are:

- violent person being introduced to this boy.

- mentally ill mother making decisions like this while impaired/manic.

- emotionally dysregulated woman with a violent man is a recipe for disaster, I don't want to see this boy in the middle of it.

- drugs and alcohol have recently become a factor (she is in addiction services).

- if I make a complaint, she will request the boy back. I have no legal rights to him and she can block my access.

- I don't have the funds available to go through courts to protect him, but my salary is over 'community law' thresholds (free legal services in my country).

My question is what would you do?

1. Do nothing and hope she allows me to maintain a relationship with this boy?

2. Anonymously report everything I know to child welfare services. If they investigate, she will suspect me and can take away all my time with him. I feel like she can mask well enough to convince investigators she is capable of looking after him.

​Can’t get over how my life has gotten to this point.

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​We’re separated. She (32F) discarded me (34M) a couple of months ago after seven years. It was brutal and came completely out of nowhere. You all know the story, it matches what so many of you have gone through or are going through right now.

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​It got worse, though.

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​She has two kids who I viewed as my own, but I have no legal rights to them. When we split, I moved out of the house so she could look after them.

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​A few weeks later it was obvious she could no longer look after the kids, so I have stepped in and now have her 11-year-old boy living with me at my Dad's house (I love having him with me, not a complaint). He has no father in the picture. Her 14-year-old daughter has moved to her dad’s in a different region.

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​Meanwhile, she started seeing someone else before we even broke up. He is now regularly in my home with her, and she will not move out, even though she cannot look after the children.

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​Through all this, I have to be the calm, rational adult:

-she can’t manage household bills, so I have to constantly remind her to pay bills.

-She can’t manage the separation she initiated, so I’m the one hiring lawyers and starting agreement negotiations.

​- She was having regular breakdowns, I took on the role of emotionally supporting her.

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Even after a discard I have to tip toe around because of my tenuous grasp on custody of the kids and her volatility during a separation agreement negotiation. I feel so much rage at times and all I want to do is yell at her for the sheer trauma she has put me through but I am trapped.

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Honestly this is just a vent. I feel exhausted and am at a low point in all this. What's really pushed me over the edge is that the 11 year old boy is now talking about his mum's new 'friend'. I know she's shaping to introduce him to the kids which is just the latest gut punch in a long strong of them.

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Bipolar is awful.

Hi Legal Advice Community,

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I have found myself in an awful position.

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I have been with my ex for seven years. We recently separated. She has two kids (11B, 14G), which I was a step dad of for our entire relationship. The girl has a biological father in Auckland. The boy has no biological father in the picture.

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My ex is suspected to have a mental illness which has put her in a manic state. In this state, she pushes away stability and seeks dopamine hits / releases. For her this looks like:

- starting a relationship with her drug dealer who was recently released from prison.

- drinking / smoking (weed) a lot. Including around the kids.

- obsessive hobbies (both kids have commented on her gardening instead of cooking).

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The worst incident I witnessed was when the boy contacted me because his mother had passed out cooking dinner.

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I have been recording conversations where she will say things like 'smoking around the kids is a lifestyle choice I have made' and admitting to being in a relationship with an ex convict. She would not tell me what he did to end up in prison.

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The living scenario is not suitable for children.

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Now...

Her GP and her recently agreed that she was not fit to look after her kids. She called me to take in the boy, who I am close with and immediately agreed to look after. The girl went to her dad in Auckland (we're based in the south Island) , despite me offering my house to her also. I do not know if Oranga Tamariki was contacted by the GP.

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I've had him for two weeks now. The mother is now threatening to take him off me and send him to someone else. This is terrifying to me (and would be for him also). He loves his sports, schooling etc and I honestly am the no brainer option to take care of him. We are father / son in every way except blood.

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Unfortunately, the mania / mental illness makes her cast me as a villain. She believes I am an awful person despite me doing everything in my power to look after her and her children in a very hurtful and complex breakup. Her behaviour and decision making at this point is unpredictable and I would like to firm up my position with the boy.

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I'd like guidance on how I can keep him in my care, even if she demands him back. I don't know what agencies to contact or what the process even looks like.

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I would like to understand if I have any automatic rights as a step father of seven years.

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Finally, I would like to know if this is an expensive process? I am cash poor following the breakup and would have no way of paying significant bills at this time.

Hi team.

I'm trying to progress my career. My field is sport and recreation. I am educated (Diploma in Applied Fitness, Bachelor of Sport and Recreation, Master of Business w/ First Class Honours).

I am 34, I've spent the past 10 years managing two sports clubs. I have loved it, but the pay has not been great. I'm currently on $90,000 in New Zealand. The low pay has recently started to bug me so I am looking to make a change.

It does not help that I am in a small town where this is one of the highest salaries I can hope for in this field.

I am after advice from people that have found themselves in similar situations.

What do you recommend I consider to progress from here?

To everyone who shares advice, rants or just participates in this group: thank you.

Going through a discard is the most difficult, stressful and simply bizarre thing I have had to work through.

Coming here has helped me more than talking to friends and family or counselling. Nobody understood the situation except you lot. How could they? It seems like pure fiction.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not through it at all. I'm still on the emotional rollercoaster. I'm still hurting that she replaced me immediately with her dealer. Still can't comprehend that she seems to be having fun while I stress about the kids (my step kids), separation agreements, her welfare. That I'm the one struggling to work because all my energy goes into overthinking about all of this. That at any moment, I could get another call from the kids that she's passed out drunk halfway through cooking dinner.

Somehow this group calms me through this. It helps to know others are navigating similar issues.

THANK YOU.

FYI - unsure if she has CPTSD, bipolar or cannabis induced mania (or whatever it's called) but whatever it is, it's made her act like an awful person and relatable to all your stories.

Another sad story to add. I am looking for advice from people who have been through a discard. How do you get through it?

My (34m) story (sorry, got long):

• My ex (32f) left me exactly a month ago.
• Seven year relationship.
• Shared house.
• Two kids (11m, 14f), both hers.

In late 2024 there was an incident when she was on holiday with her family which led to her being diagnosed with complex PTSD. From then, the relationship was hard but we managed. She had close to a year off work, deep depression and medication messed with her a lot.

Later the bipolar symptoms started to appear. We believe the traumatic incident was the trigger:

• 1st bout of extremely high energy lasted a month
• Seemed happy and excited about life. We thought she was 'better'
• Crashed
• 2nd bout of high energy lasted a month and half
• Started going on Tinder
• Went back to work
• Flirted with colleagues
• Flirted with her weed dealer
• Crashed and confided in me about what was going on
• The next high energy wave started and is ongoing three months later
• Quit work without telling me
• Booked a solo holiday without telling me
• Started smoking weed all day, every day
• Started drinking a lot
• Separated from me out of nowhere
• Within the week started sleeping with her dealer
• Extremely cold to me (usually warm and loving)
• Wants a new life "that isn't this one"
• On Facebook writing aggressive poetry aimed at me
• Starting to 'reveal' her new boyfriend on Facebook
• Hyper fixated on her garden
• Neglecting childcare responsibilities (cooking dinner)

Disclaimer: Her medical team is working toward a bipolar diagnosis but they cannot confirm until her drug / alcohol use stops. So she is not medicated but is getting therapy.

Reading through what many have gone through, I can see similarities.

Specifically, I would like advice from those more experienced in dealing with this on:

How you move forward with your life?

How do you effectively communicate with someone who has bipolar (I can't cut her out)? She always makes comments like she feels 'unseen' by me.

Is this permanent or can the old person I knew 'come back'?

Are the kids at risk?