u/UnknownContinuum

time eventually passes, but does my life even move? will inever get the things I want? is love supposed to be a need? as with physical touch, affection among other things? how does it seem that other people may have it all but i do not? is this my punishment for wanting to live? to feel? what is it that i specifically want personally, the one thing I miss, that seems to pull everything apart? is it love? is it the feeling of happiness, that isn't achieved from action, but of knowing that you have someone there for you? to say that I've been doing well is a valid statement.

To say I have everything is invalid. the pain never subsided. it's been here, looming over my head, causing me anguish whenever brought up. the feeling, the knowing, the loneliness that i feel cannot be just seen by me. they say I'm not alone, that i have friends, but that doesn't mean I'm not lonely. there is a certain quality to friends: they are just people who help you and who you help and are kind to. but it isn't the equivalent to the individual that says "I love you," with value. the individual who knows you, in and out, who makes your life worth living. I have lost my way and purpose in life, as it feels that you wake up repeating the same things over and over, with no end in sight. the loneliness settles upon me when i hate it most, and when, my stomach feels as if someone is pressing against it with force, and is forcing me to stay awake through pain, forcing me to live, to stay within the bounds of reality.

why must dissociation be the drug i cannot wean off of, the substance that gives me something to look forward to, that i would rather live in a non existent reality than this? what is life's purpose? is it to make others happy? to let others know that we love them? who truly knows me, understands my pain, understands the deep void of my heart and shattered soul i carry with me, the spirit that is forced to stay alive, to be immortal, and feel the pain that no other feels?