Was he avoidant? Did he use me?
So I met this guy on tinder almost 2 years ago. We hooked up. At the time he wasn’t looking for anything serious. I got a boyfriend in the meantime and we kept in contact but strictly platonic, or so I tried to make it. He would be flirty every once in a while and I would shut it down. Well, 5 months ago I told him we’d have to stop talking because I had a boyfriend and I felt like he was trying to come in between us, also that our interactions began to feel secretive and I didn’t feel good about it. This was his exact response: “I understand why you need to do this, and I want you to know that I respect your decision, even though it breaks my heart a little. I’ve actually been wishing things were different—wishing we had met at another point in life, when maybe we could’ve had a real chance. I truly believe our relationship would’ve been so much deeper if the timing weren’t working against us.
When we hooked up, I wasn’t being the kind of man I want to be. I wasn’t a gentleman or someone who protected your heart. I was caught up in the moment, selfish and weak, and I hate that. Because the truth is, I felt something real with you. You made me feel understood in a way I rarely do. You felt safe, familiar, and genuine.
I want a family someday. I want to love fully and be loved the same way. I have so much love to give, and I really thought maybe we could have been something real—out in the open, not hidden away. I know this isn’t some trick or manipulation. I’m just being honest with how I feel and what I wish could be.
Thank you for being honest with me too. You don’t owe me anything, but your kindness and honesty mean everything. I’ll always care about you and wish you happiness. I hope life brings you the peace and love you deserve.
What I really want in life now is to build my own family. I don’t mean that in a harsh or dismissive way toward the one I come from — it’s just that I need a fresh start. I want to be a husband, a dad, and to create a home that feels peaceful, loving, and stable. I want to put my time, energy, and heart into my future family — to raise kids, love them well, and build something that grows from who I am, not just where I came from.
I think part of growing up is realizing that your future doesn’t have to look like your past, and that’s what I’m chasing — a chance to make something new, something ours.”
We didn’t talk for a month or so. He tried to reach out and I gently shut it down. I eventually opened communication back in maybe early April because I did miss him. We hung out a couple of times and chatted every once in a while. Prior to the second hang out he was trying to convince me to come up and spend the night the night before we planned to hang out. I declined. He had been asking for nudes. I declined. The second time we hung out it was for like 6 hours, he made us dinner, it escalated sexually…, I went with him to get something he bought from the Facebook marketplace and then I went home. I casually admitted to feelings during our hangout and he took it very well. Two days later we had this text exchange:
Me:
Can I ask you a serious question?
I feel like we’ve both acknowledged before that there’s an interesting dynamic between us, even if we don’t always say it directly. But sometimes I struggle to understand where the line is between unspoken tension and actual feelings/intention, especially when certain conversations get emotionally intense.
I absolutely love talking to you, and I think part of why is because there’s a level of emotional intimacy and intensity between us that feels hard to ignore. But I also notice that sometimes after we have those really deep or emotionally charged conversations, there’s a kind of distance afterward that leaves me unsure how to interpret everything.
I don’t say that critically — I think I’m just trying to understand what this connection actually means to you, because sometimes I leave our conversations feeling both very close to you and very confused at the same time.
What does this dynamic feel like from your side?
Him:
I really appreciate you being honest about all that. I get what you’re saying, and I don’t think you’re wrong—there is kind of a unique dynamic between us, and I value that too. I enjoy talking with you a lot, especially when we get into those deeper conversations.
At the same time, I think some of that “close and then distant” feeling you’re picking up on is probably me trying to stay aware of where the line is. I care about you, but I also want to respect your relationship and not let things drift into something that gets confusing or crosses a boundary.
And just being real with you—I think part of that means we both need to keep things in the right place. I don’t want there to be any kind of romantic energy or tension between us that takes away from your relationship. You’ve got a boyfriend, and I think that deserves to be respected fully.
For me, what this is—what I want it to be—is a really solid friendship where we can be real and talk about meaningful stuff, without it turning into something physical or something more.
I don’t want to lose what’s good about this, I just want to make sure we’re keeping it in a place that’s actually healthy for both of us.
Me:
I appreciate how thoughtfully you always respond to me. And I really respect that you care enough about me to also care about the important relationships in my life.
Can I ask something honestly though? What shifted for you? This response just feels really different from how things felt between us before, especially recently. I think I’m just trying to understand whether the change is about wanting healthier boundaries, or whether you feel differently now after we crossed that line physically.
And I guess part of what’s hard for me is not fully understanding whether this is something you’re stepping back from because of the circumstances, or because you genuinely only see this as friendship. I think part of why this has felt emotionally confusing for me is that once I stopped fighting my feelings and pretending I wasn’t feeling anything, the distance between us suddenly felt much more noticeable.
Him:
I hear what you’re saying, and I want to be honest with you too. I’m just not in a place where I want to step into a relationship with anyone right now. I’ve been working on getting to a healthier place mentally, and I need to stay focused on that.
It’s not really about something changing between us or what happened—it’s more about me recognizing what I can and can’t handle well right now. I do care about you, and I respect you a lot, but I think keeping things as a friendship is what’s healthiest for me at this point.
Me:
Thank you for being honest with me and for taking the conversation seriously. I know this probably wasn’t easy to say, and I genuinely respect the level of maturity and self-awareness behind it.
I appreciate the clarity. Honestly, the uncertainty around everything had been weighing on me all day, so even though I know this wasn’t an easy conversation, I’m glad we were able to have it openly.
I also want you to know that I respect what you’re saying and your desire to focus on getting to a healthier place. I obviously would never want to make things harder for you (his name) ☺️
A few hours later he blocked me…on everything. I know that he does struggle with his mental health, he drinks every day and smokes weed frequently but I just want to know if that seems like a legit reason to throw away 2yrs of contact. This was 6 weeks ago. What the fuck happened????
TLDR: I’ve been interacting with a guy I met on tinder over 2 years ago. We hooked up recently and then he blocked me on everything…I just want to understand. If there’s anyone who’s avoidant that can give their perspective that would be helpful. I don’t know for sure that he is but I suspect he is.