u/UsefulCrab4181

I am having difficulty on .5 cabergoline once per week and 7.5 mg Lexapro each day. Is it the meds not playing well with each other? The Cabergoline? I feel ready to fly off the handle at a moments notice. I used to be described as “passionate” but after a blowup at work I am now being described as “scary”.

Was I a fool to try to keep working normally while going through all this?

Has anyone else dealt with issues at work because of this?

I have a coworker whose husband had a brain tumor too, so she knows it’s not a big deal really, anyone have people like that they work with?

My boss is amazing, basically says whatever my doc says I need I get. Huge asset to have in my quarter.

But I’ve never had to get a letter outlining reasonable accommodations. I was raised in a household were children were seen, not heard (and I’m a middle child), I am not used to being accommodated. I’m used to sucking it up, doubling down, gritting through it.

I am the guy who just made it happen when it needed to happen.

Now I can’t trust my own brain, my own instincts, my gut reactions. I used to laugh at the idea of retiring and joke that I would die at my desk- I’m a lawyer and I don’t need to walk or move since I just need my brain!

And now they’re telling me I might be qualified for disability, because lawyers need their brains. But I’m not disabled, am I?

If I can’t sleep through the night, can’t get up on time, can’t make it to work on time, can’t concentrate, have emotional moments out of nowhere multiple times an hour, and am easily distracted, that’s not disabled is it?

Is it?

So much time, so much effort, so much money to develop my brain to process faster, hold more inside, and eloquently argue on the fly in real time when the stakes were high. I am a litigator. Was a litigator.

Now I’m unreasonable, unsure, and unable to articulate.

How do I do this?

I am meeting with my primary for a 6 month check in. After reading this page I realize not everyone’s journeys are the same, and mine has been a challenge.

But where to go from here?

The cabergoline shot my prolactin levels down, but my next MRI isn’t until November. Do I stay with the cabergoline or try something else? Is the something else just a different nest of hornets to kick?

I don’t want to be angry anymore, I don’t want to be ready to jump down people’s throats, I don’t want to not let things go.

I want to know what’s going on with me.

I was diagnosed last year after a few years of issues that were written off as “getting older” but thankfully I had good insurance and kept at it. Changed my entire diet and tracked food, entered a weight loss competition 3 years in a row to track that, all kinds of stuff. Zero libido prompted me to demand answers immediately, and an urology appointment/prolactin test later showed me at 300ng, which seemed a bit high.

They got me on the cabergoline and it felt like my testosterone went up a bit, which was good, but feels like it has weirdly plateaued. Initially it was like the flood gates opened, and I admit I was looking at porn more than I had, but also dang did it feel good to have a libido again!

Now I just feel insanely on edge. Like all the time. Not a good look, and I do not like being the guy that lashes out at people.

Just looking for anyone with experience who may have been where I am. I know it’s different for all of us.

42 years old, male, 3mm adenoma.

Update: the appointment went amazing. Thanks to you all I was prepared going in and she even said “that was the best summary you could have given me.” It took 3 times to get it all out but writing out my thoughts beforehand was the best thing for it.

She’s taking me off the low dose of Lexapro and putting me on 20mg of Prozac daily. She ordered me to come back in a week and told me I can’t go to work until she clears me at that appointment.

She listened to all my concerns and heard me. She knows me from before all this so recognized the changed behaviors I described and is concerned about the compulsive behaviors, sleep, and angry outbursts- as well as the intrusive catastrophic thoughts.

So for what it’s worth- talk to your doc. I’m going to have multiple appointments over the next month until we get this dialed in and all options are on the table.

Also- I’m very likely going to have to go on long-term disability. I was in denial before and thought I was Superman, but this is too much to just grin and bear it.

I slapped together a big table politics deck for our annual Magic Weekend and it was a lot of fun. Group hug but with dragons, Nicol Bolas at the helm, it was called “Nicol Bolas for President”.

But it durdled and felt more like a collection of good stuff, so the next year I toyed with themes. It went okay.

Now I’m going Grixis HateBears, and I need your help!

- Grixis HateBears

- Grixis GroupHug/Slug

- Discussions about the best Nicol Bolas to use, and the best ways to use Nicol Bolas

- Anything new from the last year that is sick in Grixis

Thoughts?

Edit to add: A note about the theme- I’ve been playing magic since the 90s and Nicol Bolas has been THE big baddie in so many ways throughout time. This deck is about respecting that reality warping ability, as well as the insidious control he has on everyone. Along with Dakkon Blackblade and the Eldrazi (and Baron Sengir and Eron the relentless) he was just such a huge part of the lore! I even had his Archenemy stuff and low key am considering turning this into the ultimate Nicol Bolas Archenemy deck. I love my friends, but I want to make them feel the despair that is Nicol Bolas.

I know I talked about this deck durdling, but it’s also shown moments of true brilliance. For example- [[cruel entertainment]] was the star the first year I had this deck. It created a situation where two people made an agreement… and then one of them completely backstabbed the other. The entire table lost their minds, it is still talked about to this day, and it was one of my favorite magic moments because it was so delightfully on brand/theme.

I am looking to take that energy and bring it to the next level. Cunning tricks, diabolical quandaries, I want the best of them. I wanna help someone sneak through an attack I made them do and turn friends against each other.

Help me.

Goad: seems like one of the best ways to keep my opponents off kilter, but I haven’t used many goad cards. What are some fun sneaky ones?

Monarch: I have like one Monarch card in the deck but that could be a fun way to get people chasing the bounty and overlooking what else I am doing.

Life gain/drain: I feel like this could be a(the?) win/con, but is also very on theme for Bolas.

Difficult decisions: cards that make other players suffer, like [[painful quandary]] are pretty brutal but may draw too much hate my way. Finding a delicate balance is key to staying alive.

Politics: cards like [[jace beleren]] are great cuz I can group hug a bit. [[victory chimes]] has been solid too. Helps people out early on and cultivates goodwill.

Bodies: flying bodies. Dragon bodies. Bodies with oddities (cool things they do). I play in a creature heavy meta so if I don’t have blockers someone’s coming at me and it’s gonna hurt. Piddly deathtouch flyers are great deterrents.

Modal spells: versatility is big for me (sometimes too big) so having cards with options are nice.

Synergy: at the end of the day synergy is the most powerful tool. I wanna find a way to mesh all this together (or more likely trim it down) so it plays nicely together.

Fun: this is magic let’s have fun. I am going to playtest this deck out a bunch of different ways and enjoy all of them. When I first started EDH I did this with Kaalia, then Oloro, and ended up falling in love with Riku of two Reflections and building him a ton of ways. Now it’s Nicol Bolas’s turn.

What a roller coaster