u/VargBroderUlf

I no longer spiral from the absence of my fp, and I don't freak out when I don't hear from them. But it's lead me to mistakenly believe they were no longer my fp, too many times now, which has led to my fear of abandonment getting triggered (not by any fault of theirs!)

But outside of that, unless there's some kind of issue between us, I don't feel very emotionally dependent on them at all, and I don't think about them obsessively either.

It's only ever when they show interest in someone else, that my brain throws all logic and reason out the window.

Can that be called progress? Because I feel like all I do is damage their trust in me, each time I have to tell them that they still are my fp. And I feel so much guilt and shame over it every time.

I was just told by my parents like 20-30 minutes ago. I just went numb. I think I usually react that way when these things happen. I really, really loved that cat. He was the least graceful, most ridiculous (in an adorable way) cat I had ever seen. I know he was an old cat, and people were telling me that he was probably on his way out, but I guess I just couldn't take that in, or I just didn't want to.

I don't know if if the brunt of what happened just made me shut down, and if it'll at some later point coming crashing down on me, or if I'll remain numb. I just wasn't prepared for this. I guess I wish I could cry and be sad about this like a normal person, but right now, there's no sense of emotion at all within me.

I don't even know why or for who I'm making this post, or if I'll even let it stay up or if I'll delete it. I just feel so strange right now, but at the same time nothing, all with an undercurrent of something reminiscent of anxiety, but like it's been heavily dimmed.