u/VargBroderUlf

I am 100% responsible for this, and it stresses me out. A lot. They had to put up with me for so long, and they were always incredibly patient and understanding about it. But understandably, they've had enough. This happened very close in time to when I'm pretty sure they stopped stopped being my fp (which was a long time coming). But unfortunately, it's not as simple as "hey, I won't spiral over you anymore! Let's just pretend like all the shit you had to put up with from me over and over and fucking over again, didn't happen! :DDD"

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I've still been a fucking horrible friend. And the guilt has been crushing at times.

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My emotions may have been manageable, but I am not a robot. I still feel horrible for all the things I did and the ways I behaved. I'm just not acting out in self destruction over it like I would with an fp.

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I don't want to make things any worse than I already have, yet I end up doing it anyway. I don't know if maybe I'm coming across as calmer than I have any right to be? Or if I'm just a bad communicator, and my attempts to validate them were too poorly communicated? Or maybe there's something else I'm doing wrong? Or maybe it's all of the above? Or maybe they're just so fed up with me, that they just have to let it all out now, for all those times when they didn't?

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I can't know, and I won't assume anything. Drawing conclusions too quickly hasn't often made things better.

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I want nothing more than to stop being a burden to them, so I try to give space as much as I can, but I don't want them to think that I'm just deliberately ignoring them and running from the problem, either.

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I really don't know what to do. Everything I do right now just goes wrong, and makes everything worse.

(Sorry for the longest post, I rewrote it several times to try and shorten it as much as possible)

Roughly two weeks ago, I seriously fucked up with my fp, and I have most certainly damaged their trust in me, which would normally drive me fucking insane with guilt and anxiety. But it isn't. I'm not spiraling, and even though they've acted coldly towards me (which I absolutely deserve for what I did) it hasn't triggered any paranoid thoughts or delusions like I'd expect. I'm not desperately trying to immediately earn their forgiveness, because I have enough clarity to understand that you can't fix this type of damage over night. The thought of punishing myself physically hasn't even occurred to me once.

The way I'm handling it is so... 'Normal', I guess? I only very recently managed to patch up my friendship with one of my oldest friends, but since she isn't my fp, the way I handled that situation was not overly affected by my bpd. And the way I'm assessing the situation with my fp feels the exact same way. I'm still incredibly angry at myself for what I did, but it isn't spiraling out of control, at all, because I'm not thinking about any of this to the point of obsession, like I otherwise do with an fp.

There were multiple times when I naively believed that they weren't my fp anymore simply because there was nothing there to trigger me, and I'd gaslight myself in what I suspect was an attempt to preemptively avoid abandonment.

This time - *everything* about this should drive me insane enough to put me in the psychward. And yet it isn't. Maybe finally being told off was the final push I needed to finally let go of whatever unhealthy attachment I had left to them?

Whatever the case, I'm keeping an extremely close eye on myself this time, in case I'm wrong. I won't make the same mistake again, not this time. I absolutely refuse to.

Has this ever happened to anyone else?

I've started to realize a pattern that I think has probably gone on for years now... And that's how, when I'm overly attached to someone, I'll be unable to detach for a feels like AGES, but unlike with normal people, who have a transition period of slowly letting go and moving on, I'll just very suddenly detach without even realizing it at first.

And I think it's already happened with my current fp. Just a about a week ago, I had behaved absolutely vile towards them when I was in an episode because I my mind convinced me that I was going to be abandoned.

But now... I'm just kind of like, "I'm not their favorite person? Oh well, it's not the end of the world." That said, I do however feel *very* strong feelings of guilt, and I really, really, want to make it up to them, because what the fuck is wrong with me with the things I did.

It feels like I haven't fully caught up with how quickly my subconscious has suddenly moved on.

I no longer spiral from the absence of my fp, and I don't freak out when I don't hear from them. But it's lead me to mistakenly believe they were no longer my fp, too many times now, which has led to my fear of abandonment getting triggered (not by any fault of theirs!)

But outside of that, unless there's some kind of issue between us, I don't feel very emotionally dependent on them at all, and I don't think about them obsessively either.

It's only ever when they show interest in someone else, that my brain throws all logic and reason out the window.

Can that be called progress? Because I feel like all I do is damage their trust in me, each time I have to tell them that they still are my fp. And I feel so much guilt and shame over it every time.

I was just told by my parents like 20-30 minutes ago. I just went numb. I think I usually react that way when these things happen. I really, really loved that cat. He was the least graceful, most ridiculous (in an adorable way) cat I had ever seen. I know he was an old cat, and people were telling me that he was probably on his way out, but I guess I just couldn't take that in, or I just didn't want to.

I don't know if if the brunt of what happened just made me shut down, and if it'll at some later point coming crashing down on me, or if I'll remain numb. I just wasn't prepared for this. I guess I wish I could cry and be sad about this like a normal person, but right now, there's no sense of emotion at all within me.

I don't even know why or for who I'm making this post, or if I'll even let it stay up or if I'll delete it. I just feel so strange right now, but at the same time nothing, all with an undercurrent of something reminiscent of anxiety, but like it's been heavily dimmed.