I accept that by being child free I won’t experience that indescribable love
The childfree subreddit is v negative, people saying that parents are basically all deluded and lying about this shared experience of unbelievably intense love and joy. It’s a very pessimistic way of viewing others.
I see that there must be a lot of truth in that experience, otherwise why would the vast majority of people report it. And I can understand it. As a human being, I feel natural desire to protect and care for every child, let alone how I can imagine I would feel for one who I have brought into the world and completely depends on me! I imagine that love would be intense, unlike anything else and probably very fulfilling. I’m an empathic strongly feeling person and just imagining it is intense, let alone feeling it! I accept if I don’t have kids, I am giving up the chance to feel that.
And on the other hand, I see the intensity of this feeling as something to think carefully about. I believe in life you typically gain something and lose something else, often in equal measure. Like any “drug” I think the love of being a parent is probably quite all consuming. There’s a reason monks and nuns are celibate lol. Suddenly your life is a whirlwind, a part of your heart is living independently outside you and your identity is in flux and so dependent on another(s). And I don’t see that it gets easier, it just evolves with time and poses different challenges. Although parents love their children forever, the relationship you have with a toddler, a teenager, an adult child - all very different, nuanced and not that hormone fuelled infatuation of the early days.
I think about what my life could be without that decision. Suddenly, it feels a lot longer. Without spending 20 years in the flurry of a little persons growth, where would that energy go. It’s kind of terrifying tbh, and that’s why in many ways parenthood feels safer. I know there are a million unknowns with parenthood but at the end of the day it’s meaningful, it’s fulfilling, you’ll grow and change for sure. Tick tick, life has a purpose. Going without feels like the harder choice in many ways, there will still be searching for that meaning. But it feels like the path less travelled by…and that could make all the difference. Raising a person is obviously important and fulfilling, but at the end of the day that’s all it is.
When parents here comment that their child’s smile or saying “love you” is the most amazing feeling that makes it all worth it/they know it was the right choice, my heart glows for them but my tummy also churns, because it’s a beautiful experience subjectively but objectively l feel like “is this it?” I guess it’s rather existential and angsty and silly lol. But I had these nihilistic existential feeling since…I can remember really and it’s something that I’ve never fully grown out of tbh. In the back of my mind, why am I here? And if I don’t know, why would I bring someone else here? I felt this strong resistance to the cycle / hamster wheel of existence before I had words for it and it still lives within me. I do wonder where could I pour this creative and nurturing energy if I chose to not take on that role of “mother”
I’m the first woman in my family to truly have a choice probably…ever. I’m the first out lesbian in my family. I don’t know, I almost feel I OWE it to those women to choose myself, freedom, be unpunishable. And yes I’ll lose out on experiencing a feeling I’ll never know (but u can’t miss what you never had). And what I’ll gain? I can’t really imagine right now.