How do I make friends…?
f20, i wanna have friends and make friends but the problem is im boring, insecure and dont know how to keep and initiate beyond surface level
i sometimes think to myself and wish i could get under that surface level friendship and just break character, be honest and have deep conversations, but most people aren’t interested in that, nor have time for that and i just end up scaring them off.
Therefore, I learned how to be fake nice and pretend im funny or interested in their business. It works in the beginning on some people but not in the long run. People notice im masking and that something’s off.
Because, in reality, i couldn’t care less. No emotion behind whatsoever. I simply don’t care about a lot of things, nor do i have interesting hobbies.
So i figured maybe i should practice in the mirror how to be fake nice more realistically, gesture and facial expressions, and find topics to talk about in case i run out of topics and practice
I just don’t know what to do with “friends”. To go on a walk together? What for? I can do that by my own.
Growing up, I’ve noticed, the older you get, the more you (have to) mask.
I also am a bit nihilistic/cynical and think every action is rooted in egoism. It’s a hard pill to swallow. I often cannot accept things how they are and that I cannot control.
I’m exhausted