u/VastAnxiety3984

I hope to get advice on this. It is torture. There is nothing in this world I care about and desire the way I do my special interest. It’s a book series with a movie and a show adaptation, I love it all more than anything. It’s been my special interest since I was 12 and I don’t think it will ever change, I’m 17 almost 18 now. Sometimes I will fixate on a different movie or show but I always come back to my special interest and it’s rare for anything else to grab my interest, it makes me anxious to watch something different from my few select interests. My problem is there is a third season of the show coming out in less then a month, early June, and every time I think about it or watch a trailer or go online I get so extremely excited and overwhelmed that I get sudden severe panic and it’s so fast and horrible that I get physically sick. My heart pounds so loud I can hear it, my chest hurts and it’s beating, it flashes and feels cold and hot like I’m dying, my breath is short, my stomach hurts and my head it’s like I’ll pass out, my arms feel numb and weak. And it’s all from happiness but it’s happiness that becomes so painful.

This isn’t the first time this happens but it’s getting so bad I can’t handle it. I used to have a social media and got a lot of followers in the fandom cuz I always was posting about it but people were so horrible and mean to each other I deleted everything cuz I couldn’t handle it and how people talk about my favorite thing. Now I feel defensive over it, like I’m so super excited and it’s all I want to think or talk about but at the same time anyone else watching it or talking about it makes me so angry and panicked, like it’s only allowed to belong to me. I know thats stupid, it’s how I am about my childhood special interest from when I was 5-11 too. It’s like, since I know every single thing about it and it’s my whole world, I need everyone to know I am the expert and it’s my thing. Even though I hate how people are on the internet, I think the feelings worse now I don’t have a social media because now there’s no outlet where I feel like I can claim to the world and everyone that it is my thing. I feel protective and like I can’t handle this. It’s so so much. It’s mostly joy but it’s joy so overpowering I’m in pain and feel so dizzy and sick. Google says this is normal for autism special interests because the chemicals adrenaline released that happens with autism interests is so intense it can become a fight or flight response, so I feel better knowing I’m not dying or anything.

I don’t know what to do. The panic is horrible but it’s not nearly as horrible as not being able to engage with my special interest. I don’t know what to do. It’s so overwhelming that this new season is happening and my excitement is too much for me to handle in my body or put anywhere. And I could try talking or going online and sharing about it but I get anxious and panicked from that too cause I want to keep it to myself, I don’t want other people to interact with it cuz it’s mine. In my real life everyone associates me with the series because I’m talking about it all the time. My teachers know and many read the books or the show/movie and they know I know more about it than anyone else. It makes me feel better that people in my life understand how important it is to me and that it’s my world, but the idea of having to share it with the world because lots of people watch it just hurts and panics me as well. I don’t know whats wrong with me, cause it should be making me happy that this season is coming out and everyone’s watching it, and it does, but it also makes me so overwhelmed. Anyone relate or have advice? Thank you a lot

When I limp and bleed in my socks
Stumps with the nails ripped off 
In jagged toothy lines
I can’t answer my mom when she asks 
Why I’m in pain
She has a thing with toes
And she will cover her ears
And tell me to stop
Even still, I’ve fucked so many of the old things
Scattered around my room
Teddy kittens and baby blankets
And I haven’t started to care about cleaning them up
There are things I can’t say when
They ask me what I think about
When I do it
Because there’s really only one thing
That can turn me on
And I don’t think you 
And I don’t think I would
Like you
To know

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/sz58Cql29U

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/sXijfSltmU

I know this subreddit has tags but I don’t know why they aren’t working right now. But this is a vent and I talk about self injurious behavior and meltdown so be careful.

I have violent meltdowns where I bang my head to the point I get concussions commonly. I haven’t had them as often lately and it’s been a few months since I self injured to that point in a meltdown. Today I didn’t head-bang but it was almost worse or just as bad and I still hurt. So for context I have a disorder with my bladder where it always hurts and feels full and I can’t relieve myself. Today it flared up extra bad and I couldn’t pee or even poop. I was in the bathroom for a few hours trying to get relief and couldn’t, but I stayed in the bathroom cuz it’s torture to try and ignore pressure in my bladder, just hoping maybe something would come out. I live with my twin sister and my mom, my sister and I r both 17 but she doesn’t have autism and she has a full job and a car and drives, also a 4.0 gpa national honors and scholarships for any college she wants and all that. As I mentioned she doesn’t have autism. She has gone to therapy for her anxiety and anger issues she has at home but otherwise she’s normal.

My sister I think is kind of a “glass child”, that’s the word for siblings of very disabled people who grow up with less attention from their parents because they have a sibling with higher needs. I don’t think she’s neglected personally. My mom has always been on her own and she rarely has attention to spend on either of us, she struggles, but cares for both of us. But I know my sister resents me and looks down on me for my autism. She has always been cruel to me for it. When we were kids she bullied and hit me and tried to control me so that I wouldn’t embarrass her with my stimming or social issues, she told me to stop and be normal and she hated how I was. I love her and I know she loves me too but she I think she doesn’t see autism as a disability I can’t control but a flaw that I choose to have. As I mentioned she has anger issues, and what I mean by this is she can have a very strong ego and lack of compassion and gets into verbal fights all the time with my mom. She fights with her before where she says that my mom is too nice to me. It makes her mad that she is patient and she knows I’m disabled so I can’t control a lot of things.

But anyways, when I was in the bathroom struggling my sister knocks on the door and she’s immediately angry, says what’s wrong with me why I’m still in there, says I need to get out cuz she needs to brush her teeth. I said ok I will be right out in a minute. I just had to wash my hands, but since she was mad id give up on trying. She got really mad at me which I still don’t understand because I told her I was leaving and doing whay she wanted. I don’t know what she wanted me to do, I think she probably would get mad no matter what I said. She’s mad and saying nasty things and I hear her say god he’s been in there for hours to my mom and she’s angry. This is when I start to black out. For me when I have a meltdown it feels like it’s not me anymore and I can’t control what I’m doing, so it makes it hard to describe what was going on. But I think in the bathroom I scream super loudly and repeat what I said “I will be out in a minute”. My sister is mean to me all the time so I don’t know why this happened. But I do come right out the bathroom as I said, and my sister is I guess mad cuz she’s in her room with door closed. This made me crazy I think cuz she made a huge fuss about how she couldn’t wait to brush her teeth so bad she needs to be mean and I was out the bathroom in seconds and then she decides to go in her room. I start hitting my body and flailing, slamming the door and the walls, screaming. I start just going on about how much pain I’m always in and she doesn’t understand what it’s like and I just needed a few seconds I don’t even know what she wants from me why does she treat me like this, and it’s all screamed and like crazy. My mom rushes over at some point and I hear/notice the dogs are anxious/confused and barking and trying to get my attention. I love my dogs more than anything. I have a job as a dog sitter and it’s the only job I can actually do well at. I dog sit for lots of people, and they always say their dog loves me more than they’ve seen before. My dogs and I have a special bond. They know when I’m upset and care for me. When I see they r scared by my behavior and they are worried I want to die. I can’t believe I could do that to them.

My mom gets me in my room and holds me down so I can regulate and she keeps telling me to just hold the dogs and focus on the dogs cuz that’s what makes me calm and stop self injuring. It does work but I can’t talk during meltdowns and my throat hurts so I just keep mouthing I’m sorry to them. My mom said as she is calming me she thinks I was right and my sister was mean and needed to know she affects people when she talks to them that way. She eventually left me when she knew I wasn’t gonna get hurt more and talked to my sister, who said mom babies me, and mom said I don’t care what you think about how I treat him, it doesn’t change that he has serious disabilities and you are not compassionate towards him. My sister argued and was annoyed and dismissive. I want to apologize to her but I also don’t know if I should. More than anything else I feel so terrible for my dogs. Nothing is worse than knowing that they had to see me that way. They have seem so many horrible things I do and they still love me and I hate that I scare them. I wish I could talk to them and they would understand that I love them more than anything and I’m sorry for ever yelling.

I’m posting cuz I don’t know what to do. I am in pain and my throat hurts and my hands and arms and body. Please help if you have advice or nice words. Sorry it’s disjointed.

Basically what the title says 💀 im relatively new to the fandom but Jax is an obsession of mine and now this stupid idiot rabbit won’t leave my head. I’ve tried digging for interesting theories/headcanons/fan fiction exploring what Jax’s life was like / who he was before the circus, but that sort of content is shockingly limited in this fandom and what exists of it is honestly, not super good 😭😭 (at least from what I’ve seen). I get why it’s kind of hard for people to come up with theories for this topic, the hints we have alluding to Jax’s backstory are very limited and very hard to piece together into something coherent. The most we know concretely is that he (might) have lived in Missouri (based on the location of those dark suburban photos), that he had some sort of traumatic past that impacted him immensely, and that he’s 22.

But honestly, this lack of knowledge is what intrigues me so much. It’s what caused me to decide I had to make the change I want to see, lol. I enjoy that the most I have to go off of when I speculate about Jax’s mysterious backstory is who he is as a person, his weird mental problems, his bizarre corn phobia, etc. It just encourages me to be creative. I love writing more than anything, I have a passion specifically for character studies and my favorite thing to do is build believable and interesting characters. I’ve been writing and conceptualizing an outline for how I’ve decided to interpret Jax’s unknown backstory since I watched the show a few weeks ago, and finally! I’ve started writing a fan fiction exploring it.

I’m posting this just cause I’m hyped and also wanted to know if anyone else would be interested in reading something like that. I write for myself, so even if no one reads it, the fact that it exists and I got to experience it would be enough for me, but still! I like sharing. I don’t want to just dump all this info about my story, but I’ll say that it’s going to be a lengthy but self contained one-shot, focusing on an isolated event in Jax’s teen years that I’ve invented to sort of embody the progression of his character and the impact of his past in general on the person he becomes. I don’t plan on writing a multiple chapter long account of his life from childhood to when he ended up in the circus, but if I did decide to do that, I’ve mapped out the chronology of his life in a big document, so it’s something I might consider lol.

Whats important to me when I conceptualize a traumatic backstory for a character is that emotionally impactful, realistically informed trauma should be logically constructed. A lot of writers (especially in fan fiction) have the instinct to write an abusive household or a traumatic past to be as objectively horrific and extreme as they can think of. They think that if they want to portray a deeply troubled character they need to elevate their trauma to be as bad as possible so that the audience can understand how deeply this character has suffered and feel empathy for them. This results in these melodramatic - so overworked they become cartoonish - backstories without any substance beyond sadness and pain.

There’s nothing wrong with writing a character with a severely traumatic past, trust me I love me a character with a severely traumatic past, but my point is, trauma should be logical in the sense that an author should understand that the trauma matters. Some authors are overly concerned with making sure a character has “enough” trauma, but the thing js — Trauma has impact, every variation of trauma is going to inform and affect someone in a very different way. The form of trauma a character has should logically reflect the emotional impact it’s resulted in. That’s why dumping a bunch of horrible traumatic events on your fav doesn’t always result in the most compelling writing lol, because then your characters stop feeling like fleshed out people who’ve been shaped by the events of their lives and become cartoony super villains who are sassy little guys with childhoods that would realistically result in incredibly debilitating mental illness💀.

Kind of a tangent lol sorry, but That’s been a very important train of thought for me in developing my backstory for Jax. I don’t want to write the most traumatic hurt no comfort I can think of for my mew mew fav, I want to write something that feels humanizing and imbedded with realism and legitimate complexity and character work. So! Tadc fandom, I hope to get this finished and out of a03 soon 🔥 I love this stupid rabbit, and I’m excited to spend all this time on a project that will 100% be made not canon compliant at all once the finale comes out and reveals Jax’s backstory was actually smth completely different 💀

Basically what the title says 💀 im relatively new to the fandom but Jax is an obsession of mine and now this stupid idiot rabbit won’t leave my head. I’ve tried digging for interesting theories/headcanons/fan fiction exploring what Jax’s life was like / who he was before the circus, but that sort of content is shockingly limited in this fandom and what exists of it is honestly, not super good 😭😭 (at least from what I’ve seen). I get why it’s kind of hard for people to come up with theories for this topic, the hints we have alluding to Jax’s backstory are very limited and very hard to piece together into something coherent. The most we know concretely is that he (might) have lived in Missouri (based on the location of those dark suburban photos), that he had some sort of traumatic past that impacted him immensely, and that he’s 22.

But honestly, this lack of knowledge is what intrigues me so much. It’s what caused me to decide I had to make the change I want to see, lol. I enjoy that the most I have to go off of when I speculate about Jax’s mysterious backstory is who he is as a person, his weird mental problems, his bizarre corn phobia, etc. It just encourages me to be creative. I love writing more than anything, I have a passion specifically for character studies and my favorite thing to do is build believable and interesting characters. I’ve been writing and conceptualizing an outline for how I’ve decided to interpret Jax’s unknown backstory since I watched the show a few weeks ago, and finally! I’ve started writing a fan fiction exploring it.

I’m posting this just cause I’m hyped and also wanted to know if anyone else would be interested in reading something like that. I write for myself, so even if no one reads it, the fact that it exists and I got to experience it would be enough for me, but still! I like sharing. I don’t want to just dump all this info about my story, but I’ll say that it’s going to be a lengthy but self contained one-shot, focusing on an isolated event in Jax’s teen years that I’ve invented to sort of embody the progression of his character and the impact of his past in general on the person he becomes. I don’t plan on writing a multiple chapter long account of his life from childhood to when he ended up in the circus, but if I did decide to do that, I’ve mapped out the chronology of his life in a big document, so it’s something I might consider lol.

Whats important to me when I conceptualize a traumatic backstory for a character is that emotionally impactful, realistically informed trauma should be logically constructed. A lot of writers (especially in fan fiction) have the instinct to write an abusive household or a traumatic past to be as objectively horrific and extreme as they can think of. They think that if they want to portray a deeply troubled character they need to elevate their trauma to be as bad as possible so that the audience can understand how deeply this character has suffered and feel empathy for them. This results in these melodramatic - so overworked they become cartoonish - backstories without any substance beyond sadness and pain.

There’s nothing wrong with writing a character with a severely traumatic past, trust me I love me a character with a severely traumatic past, but my point is, trauma should be logical in the sense that an author should understand that the trauma matters. Some authors are overly concerned with making sure a character has “enough” trauma, but the thing js — Trauma has impact, every variation of trauma is going to inform and affect someone in a very different way. The form of trauma a character has should logically reflect the emotional impact it’s resulted in. That’s why dumping a bunch of horrible traumatic events on your fav doesn’t always result in the most compelling writing lol, because then your characters stop feeling like fleshed out people who’ve been shaped by the events of their lives and become cartoony super villains who are sassy little guys with childhoods that would realistically result in incredibly debilitating mental illness💀.

Kind of a tangent lol sorry, but That’s been a very important train of thought for me in developing my backstory for Jax. I don’t want to write the most traumatic hurt no comfort I can think of for my mew mew fav, I want to write something that feels humanizing and imbedded with realism and legitimate complexity and character work. So! Tadc fandom, I hope to get this finished and out of a03 soon 🔥 I love this stupid rabbit, and I’m excited to spend all this time on a project that will 100% be made not canon compliant at all once the finale comes out and reveals Jax’s backstory was actually smth completely different 💀