u/Vegetable_Jury_1680

My ex (20F) and I (21M) were together for about 6 months before our first breakup. Early in the relationship, we both somewhat agreed that watching porn crossed a boundary and was considered cheating to us.

About 6 months in, she went through my phone while I was asleep and found porn I had looked at on Reddit, including creators from a specific state and an OnlyFans of somebody she MIGHT know, who I only know of. I’ve always told her, “If you want to look through my phone, you can. I’m an open book,” but I genuinely didn’t think she’d go through my Reddit while I was asleep.

She also found a list in my notes app of girls I had slept with. I know that’s immature, but it was a lot and I honestly didn’t want to completely forget how many people I’d been with.

I know all of that hurt her badly, and I apologized for it many times. That incident caused major trust issues for the rest of the relationship. She constantly told me I made her insecure and that I was looking at girls who looked nothing like her (she’s Latina and most of the porn was blonde women). She would even look up girls from my list and compare herself to them.

Around the same time, I was considering moving to that same state because of a good opportunity there, but she had no interest in long distance and had told me that from the beginning. The fact the porn was connected to that location made it even worse to her, which I honestly understand.

After that incident, I spent over a month trying to regain her trust. Throughout the relationship, especially after that, I constantly reassured her, took her on dates, dinners multiple times a week, Airbnb trips 1–2 times a month, etc. But things became very on-and-off because she felt she couldn’t trust me and believed I had wandering eyes.

Then one night after we had broken up again, I went to a bar and, while I’m NOT proud of it, ended up crashing my car on the way home, getting a DWI, and going to jail for 24 hours.

Two days later, I reached back out to her because I was overwhelmed and honestly didn’t have many people to talk to. Looking back, maybe I shouldn’t have because it complicated things emotionally.

After that, we basically got back together without officially calling it that. We were constantly seeing each other, having sex regularly, saying “I love you,” going on dates, and even celebrating our six months together, which made me assume we were together again.

A couple weeks ago, she told me she was at her friend’s house one night, but I later realized she had actually gone to a bar and lied about it. She later admitted it and said she did it because I had gone to a bar after our breakup, so she felt justified. She also claimed we technically weren’t dating even though everything had basically gone back to normal emotionally and physically.

Then about 5 days ago, we went out to dinner together, had sex afterward, and she even took me to an AA meeting because of my DWI situation.

Two days later, she suddenly ghosted me.

When I finally got ahold of her, she hinted at “getting even” with me. I pressed her because I had a gut feeling, and eventually she admitted she had slept with a past hookup because she felt I had cheated first and wanted to “get back” at me and make things even.

This was literally TWO days after we had unprotected sex and I bought her a Plan B.

That’s what completely messed me up mentally. I understand why she felt betrayed by the porn if we both agreed it crossed a boundary, but I genuinely don’t feel like what I did was anywhere near the same level as sleeping with another person while we were still emotionally involved, sleeping together, saying “I love you,” and trying to work things out.

She claims I cheated and she didn’t because “we weren’t technically dating.” But when I asked if she did it to hurt me or get even, she straight up said “get even.”

Then she told me she used a condom and that I was “way bigger and better,” which honestly somehow made me feel even worse.

Afterward she said she was happy I hated her, that she did it so I could move on, and that she still loved me and wished me the best.

I’m not proud of this part, but I completely lost it emotionally and called her disgusting and other names I regret. That’s not normally who I am, but I was extremely angry and hurt.

I eventually got my clothes back, ended things completely, and blocked her.

My question is:

Am I wrong for feeling like physically sleeping with someone else while we were still emotionally involved is WAY more extreme than what I did?

Was this relationship just toxic on both sides?

I fully admit I broke trust first, but I genuinely would never have slept with someone else while we were still involved like that, and I never thought she would do that to me either.

Been keeping this to myself because honestly it’s embarrassing. Thanks for reading.

My ex 20F and I 21M were together for about 5 months before our first breakup. Early in the relationship, we both somewhat agreed that watching porn crossed a boundary and was considered cheating to us.
About 6 months in, she went through my phone while I was asleep and found porn I had looked at here on Reddit, including videos involving creators from a specific state and an OnlyFans of somebody she MIGHT know, and I only know of. I seriously find it weird she went through my phone because I have always said, “If you want to, you can. I’m an open book.” I seriously have nothing to hide and never would, I also didn't think she would look at my reddit shile I sleep.
She also found a list of names of girls I had slept with in my notes app. I know that’s immature, but it’s a lot and I didn’t really want to forget how many. I honestly felt like keeping a list and knowing was better than pretending it wasn’t a lot or not knowing.
I know all of that hurt her badly, and I’ve apologized for it many times. That incident caused major trust issues for the rest of the relationship. She constantly told me I made her insecure and that I was looking at girls who looked nothing like her (she’s Latina and the porn included mostly blonde women). She would also bring up how most of my past partners were blonde as she had a list of names to search them all up. Made me feel really weird.
Around the same time, I was considering moving to that same state in which the porn was based in because of a good opportunity there, but she had no interest in long distance and had told me that from the beginning, which added even more tension. She hated how the porn was s0ecific to that location which I completely understand, but I only looked at it once or twice and kept trying to explain it had no importance to me.
After the porn incident, I spent over a month trying to regain her trust. Throughout the entire relationship, including that month, I constantly reassured her, took her on dates, dinners multiple times a week, weekend Airbnb trips 1–2 times a month, etc. But things became very on-and-off because she felt she couldn’t trust me and believed I had wandering eyes.
Then one night after we had broken up again, I went to a bar and, while I am NOT proud of it, ended up crashing my car on the way home, getting a DWI, and going to jail for 24 hours.
Two days later, I reached out to her because I was honestly overwhelmed and didn’t really have anybody to talk to. Looking back, I probably shouldn’t have because it complicated things emotionally.
After that, we basically got back into a relationship without officially calling it one. During this entire time, we were still seeing each other constantly, having sex regularly (never really going more than a week without seeing each other), saying “I love uuyou,” and even celebrating our six months together, which I assumed meant we were dating again.
A couple weeks ago, she told me she was at her friend’s house one night, but I later realized she had actually gone to a bar and lied about it. I honestly do not care if a girl goes to a bar with friends as long as I know, because I care about them getting home safe and being okay overall.
She eventually admitted she lied and said she did it because I had gone to a bar after our breakup, so she felt justified. She also claimed we technically weren’t dating, even though everything had basically gone back to normal — conversations all day, dates, sex, saying “I love you,” etc.
Then about 5 days ago, we went out to dinner together, had sex afterward, and she even took me to an AA meeting to help me prepare for court because of the DWI situation.
Two days later, she suddenly ghosted me.
When I finally got ahold of her the next day, she hinted at “getting even” with me. I pressed her on it because I had a gut feeling, and after basically telling her I know she "got fucked" eventually she asked if I would "drop her if so" basically admitting she had slept with a past hookup, then saying it was because she felt I had cheated first and she wanted to “get back” at me and make things even.
This was literally TWO days after we had unprotected sex and I bought her a Plan B.
That’s what really messed me up mentally. It feels weird because she did it to “get even,” but I genuinely don’t feel like what I did was anywhere close to that extreme. I apologized for the porn, stopped doing it, and tried my best to reassure her that it meant nothing emotionally.
She claims I cheated and she didn’t because “we weren’t dating.” I asked if she did it to hurt me or get even, and she straight up said “get even.”
Then she proceeded to tell me she used a condom and that I was “way bigger and better,” which honestly somehow made me feel even worse. But then I imagined if her statement was the opposite... LOL. Guess it can always be worse.
Afterward, she said she was happy I hated her, that she did it so I could move on, and that she still loved me and wished me the best.
I’m not proud of this part, but I completely lost it emotionally and called her disgusting, a whore, slut, etc. I do feel bad about that because it’s not normally who I am, but I was extremely angry and hurt.
She also told me I “wasn’t hurt” and said I was the real whore because I already followed girls on Instagram since her telling she did what I consider "cheating".
I eventually got her to bring my clothes back, ended things completely, and blocked her.

Is she crazy like I think? Yea or Nah😂

I fully admit I broke trust and hurt her with the porn issue. I understand why she felt betrayed if we both agreed early on that porn crossed a boundary. But I genuinely would never have slept with someone else while we were still involved like that, and NEVER thought she would have done this to me.
This relationship just became deeply toxic on both sides, just glad I saw what I saw early on rather than years in.
Still wish her luck of course. She really seems like she is going to need it..
Been keeping this to myself as it's an embarrassing situation, not sure if posting it here is right but.... too late.
Thanks for reading.