Has anyone wished they could hit “undo” and go back to believing?
Hi, I don’t really have anyone in my life I could talk to about this and I found this subreddit and think maybe someone here might relate. I didn’t really know it was called deconstruction at the time but about 6 ish years ago I just stopped involving myself in anything related to the church and Christianity. I grew up in a very very very religious immigrant family and it was shoved down my throat from a young age. There was so much control attached to it as well, it was weaponized against me. When I moved out of the family house into my own space I finally had the chance to think and breathe and the first thing I wanted to do was to take a break from all of the shackles the version of Christianity I grew up with placed on me. I walked away and didn’t look back.
Fast forward to present day, I don’t necessarily know what I identify as, agnostic seems most accurate. I don’t know what’s really out there and I don’t know if there’s really a higher power. Some days I believe there is, other days not so much, but I’m okay with not knowing. I don’t feel the need to be so certain anymore. However, I find myself in this space of “what’s the point?” and “what are we doing?” so often that sometimes I wish I could believe in it all again because I do miss the sense of purpose it gave you to believe you were living for something larger than what you could see in front of you.
I’ve kinda been going through an existential crisis for the last maybe year or two, really weighed down with existing and finding meaning in life when it seems everything is meaningless. Has anyone felt this way and how do you cope?
For additional context, I’m a woman in her mid 30s. No partner, no children, meaning most of my time is mine. I try to keep myself occupied with hobbies I enjoy outside of work, but when I stop moving, or when I’m faced with difficulties in life, I find myself sometimes wishing I could go back to believing again because it gave me something to hold on to. But I simply can’t. And I don’t think I really want to. I just want to feel less alone, I guess.
Edit: I just want to thank everyone that took the time to read and respond to this post. Deconstructing can often feel very lonely and isolating and losing a huge part of the community once found in your faith group is difficult to deal with. Thank you all for making me feel a little less alone today. I appreciate it.