u/VerraHoppefell

I have to let off some steam and ask for a few opinions. I think my marriage may be over after this...

and I am not happy with my bishop.

I 62F know that people can invest money. For example, your nephew wants to start up a dog grooming business. You give him some money. If he does well, you get some returns. If he opens up a store, you get bigger returns. If his business does not do well, you lose money. It happens. let's say, for the men out there, a strange woman not only tells you she can help you invest some money, but she also flirts with you. Your bank alerts your spouse (okay me) because it's my money. I investigate. I find correspondence, dates, names, more women. I hold onto it. We go to the bank and he won't talk or show his app or give the name of the "financial advisor". You mention the names and he freezes and gets angry. Okay, are you following me still? He claims, later, there was no flirting and personal information getting shared. You show him the screenshots. The ones that tell him that "she" is recently divorced. The ones that say when she is free he can show her and her daughter the beach when they visit. Then you find that nearly a years' wages are gone and someone is remotely trying to take more! You realize this isn't an investment at all. He says, "Yes it is, look at what this online statement says!" You show him that it is a known scam sight involved in Human Tr*ffick*ng. Mike thinks I am wrong. He thinks it's real despite the online warnings for that particular app and site!!!
((People can have gains. People can have losses. People can flirt. BUT THE STRAIGHT UP LYING TO MY FACE is what bothered me.))
You take it to the bishop. (I don't believe the LDS Church's version of history but I still go to church.) He admits he was foolish. He admits he was a victim of fraud. He admits (after you encourage him) that he was lying. Then it is my turn. I say how hurt I am. I say that I feel betrayed. I say that after all these years if he doesn't go to couples' counselling l am done. You will separate. You cry. You are justifiably angry. You don't call names.
The bishop doesn't say " 'Mike' 63M (fake name) you shouldn't have lied to your wife. " Nope. He turns to me, and says, "You should be more forgiving. Why can't you forgive 'Mike'?"
I can forgive, but "Mike" is not the least bit repentant. He is just mad that he's been caught...and caught again!
That's what keeps replaying in my head, OVER and OVER, that I need to be kinder to my husband. I've been shaking. I feel like bugs are crawling all over me. I can't sleep. "Mike" on the other hand is eating, sleeping, going about his life.

I clean up the messes, go to the bank, go to the investor. Make the calls. He sits there confused, angry, unapologetic and doing nothing to correct the situation despite the fact he has most of the passwords and stuff is in his name, so he has to come along, begrudgingly. He only makes calls when he feels like it days later after the scammers attempt to tale more. (No he does NOT have dementia. )
Yet Bishop Car**n tells me, that I need to forgive, when "Mike" has done nothing, not said he is sorry. What he did say was, "I am sorry you are feeling that way about this."
...and that my friends is why I needed to vent, rage, and cry. The way women are judged and manipulated in our church makes me cringe... and want to vomit. I do not believe I want to kiss this man let alone ever be intimate again. Thank you for listening.

This is a repost with extra information added on, not an update, just extra context.

I '62F' am not sure where to even begin. Here are the basics: I've been married nearly forty years to "Mike" '63M' (fake name). I have diagnosed anxiety from major trauma. I live in the woods and neighbors a mile away have had people try their locks or try to break in. Sometimes I'm afraid to shower unless my husband is home or it's daylight. Mike works a late-night shift so I was all alone, no dog, no close neighbors. I already have trouble getting to sleep and falling asleep. He gets in and kindly goes to a different room so he won't wake me up IF there's a chance I might actually be sleeping. One night a few years ago, I didn't realize I'd left my phone and alarm in the other room. He set it by my pillow and eventually went to bed. When it went off at 8 am it wasn't on my nightstand and I wondered why and how my cat was sleeping on it when it went off. After lunch, my husband said he had put my phone next to me and laid there for awhile, could have easily r*ped me and I wouldn't even know it. Yes, I FINALLY got into a deep sleep after more than a decade and he says this to me! I said, If I woke to someone penetrating me, I'd fight and could hurt someone. He said He'd cover my eyes, wear a mask, wake me, speak in a different voice and do it. I already have issues. That whole evening I was so sick, my heart wouldn't stop racing, I want to cry and I don't think I ever want to touch him or have him touch me again. I talked to him before he left work and he said I was making a big deal about it. He can't see why that should bother me. He says it was just a joke and he was trying to be romantic!

I got a dog against his wishes months later.

Then more recently, my husband said he wanted to invest money, that someone at work was investing and showing him the ropes (his words). I was on board because I worked as an administrator for an investment company years ago. I assumed he'd contact a real financial advisor. He got a family member to invest, too. When I asked the relative where Mike had first met this person with the helpful advice, the relative said, "Oh, someone from "Mike's" workplace!" When I asked hubby-dearest AGAIN if he'd met this person with the inside advice at the warehouse, he claimed he never said he'd met the person at work. The family member and I caught him in a LIE! To make a long story short our bank's fraud department got ahold of us. The money for the investment was coming from a joint account. I acknowledge that with investing, you can have gains and losses. It's the nature of it. ln reality, this was not a real investment company. I never snoop on my husband, but friends in the know strongly suggested that I investigate and get screenshots. My significant other was in a pig-butcherlng- romance scam. The evening before I confronted him, at the suggestion of an expert, I found out he was romantically involved with at least two women giving him fake financial advice! I asked him the next afternoon who his financial advisor was. He said there was nobody, just him and an app. I found out that app is a fraudulent company and the money is shuttled to human traff*cking! I already had all the knowledge, and he straight up lied to me. I asked him day after day to come clean. Then I'd add a detail that I knew the facts on. He blew up when l started naming names and showing screenshots. He grabbed at my phone. I already sent the info and pictures to a safe email address. He blew up at me. There were witnesses at one point, when we had a meeting at the bank. There are more details that I won't get into but it just gets worse. We spoke to one of my former supervisors who we now invest with, and a lawyer , about having separate accounts. I always believed in shared accounts years ago. Noy no after this! I suggested (strongly) that we go to couples counselling or it's over. I already have a therapist. I am SICK to even be around him. I shake and feel like ants are crawling on my arms and legs!

At the suggestion of my therapist, we went to see our bishop. I let my husband speak first. He admitted that he screwed up and lied to me. He said I make him feel like a stupid fooI. Yet he never said he was sorry to me. I told my side, like I did here. My bishop turned to me and said that I need to have a more forgiving heart. Nothing to my husband about his indiscretions! I said that I was there to get counselling. The bishop sent resources for online courses and group therapy, Nope. I will not give my new roommate (possibly soon to be former husband) the satisfaction of claiming that I've publicly shamed him. Oh, and those modules are for people about to get married, trouble in the bedroom for newlyweds, adoption and "when the little lady spends too much and keeps it a secret from her husband"-- the kind of rubbish that is perfectly fine for that demographic. There is nothing about an old out-of-shape man (with no dementia nor brain injury) that his wife will leave him because "She forgives, she always forgives ." I never called him names to his face or run him down! However, I have stepped back and I'm seeing things through a new perspective!

I'm having panic attacks and every single week there is fresh HeII that I have to clean up at our bank etc that have resulted from these online floozies. I ask him to make these changes, as most of it is in his name and he has the passwords, so legally I can't make changes, but he puts the tasks off FOR DAYS! Other than couples counselling, which my husband doesn't believe in, but he will have to do if he wants to change this all for the better, what can I do? This has been going on for several months and we have yet to make an appointment.