u/VerseConundrum

Despite the thousands of five-star reviews it got, when I use it, I still cry in the shower thinking about my life.

All I did was challenge her baby to an eating competition.

Now I work at the zoo inserting suppositories into sleeping animals.

The publisher still had the gall to classify his book, a short story.

I need my protein and she's great at cooking white meat.

After losing 60 pounds, instead of buying new packs of smaller underwear, I just bought one pair of suspenders.

I work for a car manufacturer, and as a joke I replaced all the air bags with over sized whoopie cushions.

My response was, "But you're not even looking at my painting."

It was when the psychic tried to read the mother-in-law's mind and said she wasn't picking up anything that Gary began to believe.

After a puff of smoke, I held a driver's license that said 'Richard' on it, and I had pooped myself.

One day when I came over, I noticed Mikey and his pets slowly getting fatter around the same time the homeless people from the underpass began to thin out and the shelter became a ghost town.

It was probably my voice and the flayed face of her husband, that I wore over mine, that made her so hysterical.

When I got to his house, the dog gave me his business card and said he does taxes.

I used a can of air freshener, so although the roach didn't die, he smelled really good.

Whoever made up the idiom "like taking candy from a baby" clearly wasn't talking about a fat kid.

The monkey in the movie wasn't shiny at all, nor did he polish anything.

As soon as he stepped outside, a bolt of lightning barreled through his body, killing him and charging the phone in his hand to 100%.

Little Aisha was so excited to bring a gift to the soldiers who gave her sweets whenever she saw them that she didn't notice the pull ignitor running from the bag into her Hello Kitty backpack.

He woke up several hours later to find his genitals annihilated in between the windowpane and sill with his bloody handprints streaking up and down the glass.

Taking a second glance in his room, I noticed all his plush animals had protruding bellies and one had drool dripping from what looked like a child's finger from its mouth.