u/ViVian_i

(13F) Last night, I cried myself to sleep. My mental state is not the best at all. I’m trying to deal with my trauma, yet I cope with the worst ways. Coped with porn and masturbation for a while and stopped. Now I’m coping with gore. I didn’t watch it that much yesterday, and I’m going to try to not watch gore today. I understand what’s going on in my mind, but I don’t know how to start healing. My brain is trying to escape from the sexual assault that happened and the online grooming. I have been enduring alone. My family are unapproachable, especially my father. I’m so scared to talk to him. I know that I didn’t deserve any of this, people just have to be evil. I need someone to talk to, someone I can be honest with without them judging me. I hate that I have to find the love and affection outside, unfortunately I feel safer talking with people on the internet rather than my family and friends. People here actually care. Yet I still need to be careful though, not everything is perfect. I don’t have that many friends, I isolated myself from a bunch of them. And I have a little whom I don’t even talk to that much and I’m not planning to. I have a school counselor that I talked to multiple times, but I didn’t speak to her about the intense issues I’m dealing with like gore. Last night was so intense. I think I had a panic attack, I couldn’t breathe and I was shaking. But I didn’t want to cry loudly because I didn’t want anyone to hear me. So I kept holding my breath and suffocating until I finally calmed down. To be honest, that was the best sleep of my life. Everything seemed so peaceful and my face felt cold in the best way.

13F here, I have been having this specific experience for about 6 years now. I have been sort of dissociating from the world and daydreaming. I have a whole other life in my mind, it’s wild. When I daydream I jump around the room. Mostly while listening to music. I jump like crazy like I’m possessed. I forget that I’m actually a human in this world, it’s like I get sent to another dimension. My mind is filled with thoughts and scenarios. Sometimes it gets too intense and I end up crying or laughing. Sometimes my scenarios get TOO DARK. Like I imagine myself being a 18F who got @bus\*d by a much older man who I was forced to marry. I have much more darker scenarios but I don’t want to get too much into detail because I’m ashamed. I kind of developed a 🍇 kink. It’s disgusting, I hate it. But I feel attached to it. I wonder if my actions are labeled as a specific mental illness, not to be edgy or anything. But I truly feel like this isn’t normal. These past few days have been overwhelming. School’s starting soon and my stomach hurts thinking about it. I don’t have the best time at school and I always feel left out. I have ghosted a bunch of friends on social media and shrinked my social circle. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to explain it to them, I’m thinking of just avoiding them and hoping they forgot about me. It feels peaceful being alone, I love being alone.

I’ve been self loathing because I do very disturbing things when I’m just 13. I watch gore, I had an urge to start my day with some gore but I decided not to. I thought about what makes me even watch it in the first place and to be honest, I only watch it because it makes me feel something intense. I can feel like my hearts beating so fast when I see bulls attacking humans and seeing amputated body parts. I’ve desensitized violence now. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. It’s like I’m is sabotaging my soul. Sometimes before falling asleep, I imagine how it would feel like if a bull came towards me and bit my head off. I also got online groomed at 9 and ever since then, I get so paranoid if an older person sneaks into my dm’s. I lowkey just have a small conversation and block them right away. I’ve kind of isolated myself from my friends. I ghosted a bunch of them, and don’t really talk to the few people that I kept. I don’t have a valid reason for ghosting them, I just felt some kind of comfort shrinking my social circle. Also I got exposed to explicit content so I have a porn and masturbating addiction but it isn’t that bad like before. I’m almost about to hit 2 months without porn and 3 weeks without masturbating!!