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I recently made a friend na sanay mag-“sit still, look pretty” lang tapos from a very well-off family pa. So sanay talaga sya to be “served.”

Nung una, okay pa naman sakin. I enjoyed her company. But I later realized being with her a lot drains me.

Like everytime may sinu-suggest sya na place for us to try, I go and try it with her. Of course, interested din naman ako. And unless ayoko talaga ng type of food don, I’m always interested to try what my friends suggest.

Pero nung ako, mga 3 times ko na bini-bring up yung isang place na gusto ko puntahan namin. She acknowledges it naman, pero never naging “sige tara,” not even when wala syang maisip na kainan.

This became even more apparent a few days ago when she asked if gusto ko kumain after running. We often do that naman, pero the food options are limited lang where we usually go (doesn’t include yung previous place na 3x ko ni-suggest). Sabi ko I’m kinda craving yung chicken sa place A, but she wasn’t feeling it so we went to place B.

Next day, nagyaya ulit sya kumain. She asked what I’m in the mood for. I said chicken, pero sawa na ko sa place A. Saka I was kind craving our usual sa place B. Ayaw pa rin nya.

Isip daw kami ng ibang kainan. Medyo nainis na ko nito kasi yung nga lang yung malapit and ayoko lumayo kami kasi maulan. We ended up having food delivered and kumain na lang kami sa isang area.

Pero sya, everytime may craving, I go with her. Interested din naman ako and di naman ako pinilit, pero I realized di sya kasing thoughtful ko. She doesn’t pay attention as much to what I want, and kahit tanungin nya pa ano gusto ko overridden yun kung ayaw nya.

Walang curiosity about things that I like or interest to get to know those too.

One example lang to. Yung recent days lang talaga na-highlight yung lack of thoughtfulness.

I don’t wanna cut her off, but I wanna distance myself and just hang out kapag may energy ako.

Nakakapagod maging ma-effort talaga only to be taken for granted.

I just realized I’m always the one na mas ma-effort. I’ve never been with a guy na mas ma-effort sakin, and even my bestest friends—as much as I cherish them deeply—just never felt like they put in as much effort as I do for them.

I know we shouldn’t expect, and iba-iba naman talaga ng capacity each person. But I just feel like I’ve never been with anyone na mas thoughtful sakin.

A lot of times I’m the one who ends up adjusting or shouldering responsibilities.

But the thing is I kinda can’t help it. Kahit alam ko na dapat ipasalo ko naman sa iba yung responsibility, I just always end up volunteering and adjusting. Idk. Reflex na sya for me when I value the person.

Is it people pleasing? What if gusto ko lang din talaga to do nice things for people I value?

It just gets lonely sometimes when I realize no one does those things for me. And I realized people are able to just exist kasi someone else steps up for them.

Kaya when I’m down and feel like I’ve nothing left to give, I just isolate.

Ayun lang. I’m tired lang talaga.

Masama ba akong tao? I grew up being taught that the best thing in this world is to be good. Maging mabuting tao ka. Be kind, have empathy and compassion.

Parang ginawa ko naman lahat ng tama to the best of my abilities. Mabuting estudyante, mabuting anak.

But where am I now? I don’t even have the energy to write this rant, but I need it off my chest.

Sasabog na ko. Actually, I’ve been imploding for as long as I can remember.

Ano bang mali? Mahina ba ako? May nagawa ba akong karumaldumal for the universe to give me this burden?

Why is love so elusive to me? Why do I have to work infinitely much more for the success that comes so easily to other people?

Why does god—or whatever higher power is there if there’s any—make us experience and feel happiness only for it to be ANOTHER bitter end?

I’m sorry pero hindi ko na kaya. I’m just too much of a coward to off myself, but also too weak to go on. I’m just a dead person walking.

I don’t see the point of moving forward anymore. Everything feels like a drag. I don’t see what else I’d be doing in the next 4 or 5 decades.

My (work) account started doing well recently, with engagement and views up for certain content types.

But a couple days ago, a post I made only got less than 20 views. The day following that, I made another post and I don’t have the “add to story” feature for new posts anymore and the views are even lower.

Followers don’t have the “add to story” feature for the new post as well (checked it on my personal account).

Engagement also disappeared for all other previous posts that have been gaining traction recently.

TikTok did remove a post I made 3 weeks ago, but I’ve made many posts since then that didn’t have an issue. And as I said, engagement was actually going up.

I’ve checked my account status and it’s all good. I’ve made a report already, but haven’t received any response.

I’m not sure what the issue is and how to resolve it.

My (work) account started doing well recently, with engagement and views up for certain content types.

But a couple days ago, a post I made only got less than 20 views. The day following that, I made another post and I don’t have the “add to story” feature for new posts anymore and the views are even lower.

Followers don’t have the “add to story” feature for the new post as well (checked it on my personal account).

Engagement also disappeared for all other previous posts that have been gaining traction recently.

TikTok did remove a post I made 3 weeks ago, but I’ve made many posts since then that didn’t have an issue. And as I said, engagement was actually going up.

I’ve checked my account status and it’s all good. I’ve made a report already, but haven’t received any response.

I’m not sure what the issue is and how to resolve it.

Learn to invest, learn to trade. Upskill dito, portfolio doon. Work on your body, learn to relax.

p*ta. Nakakapagod na. Di naman ako ta is nga, di naman ako bo is bo. I know I am competent and capable of so much more.

Or maybe I’m actually not.

4 years na ko graduate. Di nakapag-boards dahil sa burn out. Decided to work agad. Dami naman naging personal problems.

I guess I’m really just weak.

Thought I got back up na, but came a toxic work environment. I ended up working multiple jobs. Never really quite recovered from the burn out siguro.

I’m earning okay naman ngayon with savings. Pero I’m not sure kung magtuloy-tuloy pa to next year. Wala na kong backup na trabaho. First time ko to only have one source of income so I’m panicking kasi I don’t want to go back to my old life.

Ang dami ko gusto gawin, alam ko ang dami ko pa need matutunan for the life I want. It’s not like I’m slacking off naman, so bakit ang elusive ng success? Ang elusive fulfillment?

Bakit parang kelangan ko mamili sa health ko, finances ko, buhay ko, family ko? Bakit parang imposible for me to earn well while having time to do the things I do? To live the life I want while also giving my family a comfortable life?

I’m so overwhelmed. Lalo na boards season na naman. Another year na naman ba na hahayaan ko to lumipas? Kelangan ko rin to as fallback eh.

Ilang taon nang dysregulated nervous system ko. Every time something good happens, parang laging may kapalit. There’s always something for me to worry about. I just want calm without guilt and fear.

I’m earning well, but I work for a startup na literal ako lang halos nagpapatakbo. It’s my only job now, for a client na di ko maramdaman yung security.

I earn well, but like I said di ko maramdaman yung security. So I’m constantly in fear na mawawalan ako ng source of income. And I feel like at this stage, I should be earning more.

I like what I do naman and I have savings, but I feel like wala akong fallback because I finished a degree na ayaw ko na i-practice. Di lang talaga worth it sa pilipinas.

I feel like I’m not growing. I have to learn everything myself and it all feels so slow. I graduated 4 years ago and been working since then, pero feel ko wala akong growth.

Maybe I’m just being hard on myself pero it really just feels na kahit marami akong “experience” and lumaki income ko, I really have nothing to show for it.

I just feel so inadequate and so incompetent for the life I want and the things I know I can excel at. Idk what happened to me.