u/VoidGray4

My partner and I do light check-ins when I'm anxious. I'll ask if he's been good and he'll confirm. We both know this means he hasn't watched porn or fantasized about his coworker.

Today was a stressful day for me and my trains home from work got delayed so I came in during our time for virtual couples therapy. He was on the call (this is fine, i've done similar when he's ran late (though i usually at least offer to try and reschedule and he didn't but i think im just annoyed with the long day so)) and I just let him have it but he knew well before the session that I was upset about being delayed and coming home much later. I went to my office to decompress because I'll also likely be missing individual therapy this week due to work and missing therapy is a big trigger for me. But i told myself (and my best friend) I wouldn't take it out on him, i'd just stay to myself. I also told him to just give me space unless I said otherwise before I got home. My point being, he knew i was upset in my office because i told him i would be, though i didn't take it out on him.

After the session, he comes to my office and says that he's been good. I ask him since when (basically has he been porn free since DDay) and... he can't tell me DDay. He gives me an event that happened after/because of the DDay but then says this was the month prior (as in he just mixed up what month that event was in)! I then ask if he's also been good about the fantasizing and he says yes. I ask since when and he gives me the same month, which isn't even a month that I thought he fantasized about her during! He eventually remembers he just fantasized about her last month! I ask him if he just says shit atp because he's clearly not thinking and he says yes.

So here I was, de-stressing after a long work day and a longer commute home. HE makes it a point to come to ME to tell me he's been good; I didn't ask. And yet he cant even tell me the dates of when the last DDays were! Big fat fucking liar alert or?? Trying to piss me off alert or?? Now, I don't even believe him!

So either the DDay's and my feelings about them aren't a big deal, hence him not even being able to store those in his memory. Or he's just lying to me and trying to remember when HE TOLD ME they last happened. And I woke up this morning thinking about this shit but didn't let that affect the way I treated him AT ALL! Must be nice to not have this shit haunt you, to not have the dates carved in your fucking being.

My partner had therapy today at home. I started recording him. He saw and I deleted it before I could listen, to appease him and me. Recording in the first place, to me, is a HUGE breach in trust and privacy on my end and something I've always been heavily against (I grew up in therapy and my mom often forced me to speak about therapy at times so I'm very much an advocate of 'share what you want to share'). But today I was already afraid because for the next few days we will be at a work event for him. With the coworker he fantasizes about (spoken about before). We will mostly be apart, I believe. He probably has more opportunity to be with her in a way that is work related but more relaxed. I've been stressed and that stress (coupled with just random stuff today while preparing) made me anxious, made me fear that he isn't working on himself. Made me think about the porn usage, made me think about how much I feel like i need to be perfect now. Which made me record his session, for "proof" that he is being truthful in his growth. It's not right, not at all. I can understand the reason but it isn't an excuse for breaching his privacy.

Over the past few weeks I have said things I would've never said, done things I would've never done. I feel like I'm becoming a worse person out of the fear, anxiety, depression. I've had issues before it all but the porn betrayal and then the fantasizing about his coworker has just set me off so bad this year. Ive been using my DBT skills a lot, cutting out a lot of negative habits, working HARD in therapy (did IOP for a few weeks as well). But when I do succumb to the bad thinking, i get REALLY bad. And then I feel bad about myself as well. I hate who I'm becoming. I don't want to be angry, anxious, on edge all the time. I don't want to snap and yell and argue or spiral over small comments. I can acknowledge that I have a role in how I respond. But its hard, here or there, to respond the "right" way. And then i get racked with guilt. I feel like a bad person.

If you've been in a similar situation, where you've acted a bit out of character due to your partners addiction/usage, how do you deal with it? How do you forgive yourself while taking accountability? How do you move forward without stewing in the wrong you've done?

Im the type of partner that loves seeing my partner happy and comfortable all the time. I enjoy going above and beyond in ways, I like giving praise and affection. I like doing small things every day to make their day better. Ive been a caretaker all of my life (since i was a teen); I pride myself in it, but it also brings me genuine joy and comfort. But now I feel like I'm doing things just to keep him from looking out and it just doesnt make me as happy. It doesnt fulfill what it used to fulfill in me. I now know that i am completely replaceable and ive turned to doing things because I feel like i have to. If he wants someone to be nice, friendly, funny, he'll go to his coworker. If he wants sexual gratification, he'll go to porn. He actually can cook so he doesnt even need me for that lol. It just feels like if I dont continue to give, that will be the reason for the porn use and fantasizing about others. And I know logically that that may not be true but its hard to really understand and reconcile with that. I want to go back to feeling happy about giving my love, instead of feeling like its an obligation to keep the "peace". Especially when I'm the only one hurting either way.

Had an individual session earlier today with our couples therapist to brainstorm ways for me partner to support me this upcoming Mother's Day. I lost my mother a few years ago and never really grieved. The two holidays that are the hardest for me is Mother's Day and Christmas/her birthday. We ended up switching topics and discussing other productive things related to the growth and healing I'm doing and my partner has been trying to do. It went well. Porn came up but I was feeling calm as my partner and I had just had a conversation yesterday about it that was intimate and vulnerable and I thought made us a little closer.

Later, i decided to revisit the idea of my partner supporting me on Mother's Day so that I could speak with him about it when he got home from work. He is the one that reminded me the day was coming up and that we should think about ways he can support me. It's always been hard for me to ask for or receive supports with this. However, as I was thinking I remembered that the last time i needed that support was last Christmas. He was not supportive in the way that I needed but again, i did struggle to ask. But i also vaguely remembered that while I was in the room crying my eyes out, dissociating, breaking down, etc. there was a moment in which he was looking at porn.

When he came home from work, I couldn't remember if it was active watching or not (an issue for me either way). Very lighthearted I broached the subject. I wasn't upset, but I wanted to know because it would affect the type of support I want over the weekend. He confirmed it wasn't actively looking, but rather someone mentioned it on reddit and he searched to verify which I remember being the case (I will admit, I only caught him then because at the time, I secretly recorded him which is wrong but I was spiraling that day, still a breach of trust on my end though). Midway in me speaking about it, after he confirmed (and I could tell he wasnt happy), he brings up things that I have done and asks if I've researched my behaviors and how to stop them. Reading the room? Time and place? Seemingly impossible for him! So what started as a convo about him doing a not great thing during a really shitty time and me wanting to say "Hey maybe do xyz instead?" turned into "Are you working on your shitty behaviors, too? Let's get off the topic of mine!" Then of course all I get is a simple, impersonal "I'm sorry" when I bring up how invalidating that is! And he ALWAYS DOES THIS! I've complained about it before, how he never wants to bring up issues he has with me until I'm doing so to him. I'm certainly not perfect but I am ALWAYS trying to better myself (and had been looking up about the actions I have been doing and planned to address them when my therapist came back from vacay next week). I started the convo understanding, accepting, not even upset. And now I'm fucking pissed off.

But I'm gonna go game and try and relax, lest this be another "You're blowing things out of proportion" moment.