u/WTFMEEPONOULTILVL6

It has been hell to say the least: Finding some unified theory of everything which never ends and believe me i tried, always compulsively being overly critical of myself to makes plans and routines etc to achieve something and getting mad when i simply couldnt because of the amount of pressure, and then the constant self monitoring of all my thoughts and intentions to just keep trying to "recover".

Anyways last couple of months i have been progressively dropping as much stress and commitments as i can which gave some clarity, doing some long walks (even if i cant help thinking the whole time) and yesterday i saw something where when youre overanalyzing your mental state: you just tell yourself "ill check later" wow that one really helped. I felt this lifting postive sensation for half of yesterday shortly after that. Then also realizing after talking with someone that my compulsive long term planning is just reinforces this mental prision/trap.

I read some of the posts here and can relate to "my identity is tied to abstract ideas" a lot.

But yes this will probably still take a while, and i actually have forgotten the feeling of a sense of self and this point, so will be quite a meme to get out of this. But goodluck everyone, and im gonna keep reading the posts here while i recover. Ive had this since around 16 and am 28 now, its been a long road.

So i got depersonalization in highshool due to marijuana ( i think )

I used to go skate to the top of the hill in our town and just sit there in self monitoring mode, not knowing what was even going on and what happened to me.

I remember when i would smoke it again id get these intense feelings of "me" and all my emotions coming back instantly, and i still had to navigate the social situation, its very different to a "difficult" situation, its just being hyper vulnerable and being exposed with nothing you can do.

I went to university, and i remember i would come home and just stare at the gate and try push and push with my mind to get even a crack of the feeling of "real" back.

But the real lasting issues that affected my functionality was when i somehow landed on new age philosophy from Eckhart tolle to who i viewed as the source (Ramana maharshi).

This was nothing but just an obsession after a while, and all i wanted was more information about it.

Anyways the main effect it had on my life was turning my self sabotage inwards. I would intentionally do dissociations or "mental contructs" (hard to describe it, basically like mental material that you just believe is there at all times) and i would mess with my idea of the future and past, and various other important functionality. It was like i was just giving up and started seeing how i could break my own mind.

Anyways its now 9 years later from those events, and i will say: the derealization is gone (somehow). But the depersonalization is still very apparent. I have just really gotten used to it, but it indeed is not only an experience of life problem but negatively impacts your functionality too. Such as genuine motivation etc. It has not been good

Can anyone relate to the analysis of ones own mind and potentially doing strange things to it from inside (not just thinking or imagining)?

Just wanted to post this to say i know the feeling man, and the natural existential/mind based compulsive questions that follow, it is a quiet hell.

If anyone can relate to my experience would be great if you could comment, and if someone can guide me to exercises that could help particularly on just returning to reality and not some spiritual removed state which i think a lot of DPDR people seem to try resort to.

Thanks a lot and good luck everyone

name: stephen quirke

https://preview.redd.it/1b2rrtcsfudh1.jpg?width=768&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=42c24b8ac30700f3df907f060c8622d38ace7780

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