Does anyone else feel like they've completely ruined their life?
Not sure about the flair, I feel like drudging along life I've violated all of the content warnings haha
I'm going to be 32(f) soon. I am so vastly different now than I used to be, yet I am exactly the same. Looking back through each stage of life, I have totally checked all of the boxes for seriously fucked up from childhood through my 20s. I didn't realize how stereotypical I truly was, I had kind of convinced myself I was fine and would grow out of all of the overly emotional bullshit.
I think I'm too tired now to try suicide anymore, I've had attempts throughout my life. I've put down the hard drugs, I smoke weed every day. I had gotten jail checked off my bucket list. I've totaled 8 cars. I've lived so hard and fast. I tried to be good and keep a settled life in between, I've fucked off a 13 year relationship. I thought it'd end in hellfire but, for a laugh this time, I have grown.
My physical health is shot and I am basically a defective house pet for my ex, who is honestly a good guy, I'm just bitter with myself for digging my own holes. I've never had any drive or want, never any sort of direction for my life and now I just simply exist without reason. Quietly. Ego death is long gone and yet I'm sure there is still too much left.
I'm also the only one left in my family. Distant relatives are far estranged and anyone close has been dead and gone for some time. Being very alone the last handful of years has altered my worldview greatly, I see how nothing matters in the end more than ever before. Life will go on.
How has your life gone, is it anything you wanted?