u/Whowho_321

When I was younger I was actually fine , I used to be a straight A student so my parents loved me . I loved them too .

but when i was 14 i started to feel depressed , i couldn't participate in school anymore and my grades started dropping like crazy , I could no longer feel their warmth . My parents and I used to fight and maybe 3 times a year we used to have these massive ones . I remember vividly , one time my dad dragging me and hitting me , he smashed my head against the wall . There were a lot of good memories with him but whenever I look back , I can only recall this .

I messed up a major exam once , it wasn't even due to me not grinding but because I got a fever . I cried like hell , it mattered a lot to me and i screwed it up . I got no empathy from any of my relatives when the results came out just disappointed looks from everyone . I realized that day that their love was conditional .

When I was 16 , it was the peak of my depression - i was also having physical health issues . I could no longer hold it , I tried to end it all . Luckily , it didn't work out . I begged my parents to take me to a therapist , someone anyone at all to help .

They did , but only after a huge fight in which i revealed to my dad that I had attempted . For my mother , therapy was a huge embarrassment . According to her , I was sharing my personal life with a complete stranger instead of her and that was insulting . She indirectly made snarky comments about it and my dad ? well he chose to ignore it completely , if he didn't address it - it didn't exist . My therapist once told them to be quiet around me , I struggled with anxiety and loud noises were extremely triggering, but they never stopped screaming not even once .

The only person I did love at the time was my younger brother , but one day after a fight he told me he wished my attempt had been successful and told me to commit like I always wanted to .

I struggled with these thoughts a lot and kept it inside constantly , they used to come out maybe once every 4 months and whenever it did . God .. this is making me cry but I wish atleast one person wld have told me they r grateful to have me but no , my mom called me weak , my dad told me he cldn't comprehend how such a huge coward had been born in his family , and i was again again told" if u want to do it , just do it " . The truth is I didn't want to , I just wanted to breathe and feel fine .

My psychiatrist told me that my mental health had declined too much and it was best if i was institutionalized , I couldn't even bring up the topic to them both . I wonder if I cld have gotten better now , had i gotten proper help .

I felt alone a lot in my life and whenver I opened up , I was just told to deal with it so I stopped talking altogether . My parents were also super strict , so I never even had friends or anyone to talk to .

I wouldn't call my family dysfunctional but more so I was the mistake in a perfect family .

All of this being said , the one good thing about them is that they never failed me materialistically , I was always given a good education , clothes , food on the table etc . In that way , they were at 0 fault . They do care about me when i get sick , they do care about my future . There were good moments as well where we went on trips and enjoyed nature together , they did try and love me when they were in a good mood but I couldn't forget the painful words said when they were angry .

I am 18 now and moving out soon and I came to the realization that I have no connection with anyone in my family , at all . I feel alone and helpless and I feel so jealous when I see ppl who seem to be loved regardless of what they do .

I came across posts of parents who absolutely lost it , they were panicked , upset ,and distraught when they find out their child had done smth to themselves . I saw a mom saying how she stayed with her daughter a week after she had attempted because she was scared .

I realise that my parents will love the perfect version of me that listens to what they say but not the broken version of me that needs help . But thats who I am a depressed , anxious teenager . I don't blame them completely , but I still wonder if I could have gotten better or maybe this wldnt have happened in the first place , had i been shown warmth and love .

I struggle with depression constantly but over the past 2 years it has gotten slightly better , maybe by 10 percent but improvement is improvement . I started therapy and have been slowly healing . That being said there is one thing that bothers me a lot ,

when i was around 12 or 13 , i had super strict parents and no friends , i felt extemely lonely and unfortunately went down a bad path .

I initially opened omegle to make friends , and was only trying to meet kids my age . But then i met someone who at the time claimed to be 14 , he was actually way older . I felt digusted because this person managed to blackmail me into taking off my clothes . It was not just this one incident , at the time i felt that i was finally seen by someone , so i did everything someone asked just to get to talk to a person . I know i did this because of loneliness because after i made a friend , i never went on that site again.

I don't want to go in detail on what they told me to do but i feel disgusted by it now and even just thinking about it , I feel that this incident somehow changed my brain chem and no matter what i do i wont be able to recover from it .

I feel stupid and naive and blame myself so much . How can i heal from this ?