u/WildStay_

I don't know where to start but yeah. You guyz may feel bored while reading this but whatever this is..i am writing here just to feel light cz i didnt share this w anyone because i have no close friend

So there's this girl (my bestfriend) i was dating and we broke up a month ago ( i broke up) because i didn't feel chosen or wanted. It was an 8 month relationship I was so into this girl, and imagined all the future things with her. Did everything i could to make her feel special. I was the one who fell first. At first, she was very confused and not sure about me She didn't want to be in a relationship though she also liked me but not up for relationship and i was okay with this i didn't rush things i was just making her feel loved no matter how much we fight i chose her every single time. Later on she said ok and she too wants to try these relationship things. So i proposed to her in a very proper manner and i had tears in my eyes while confessing everything i was feeling so she said yes. I was very happy.

A month later she said she's still not sure about me and wants to end this thing here. I didn't say a single word cz i was numb and we were in a public area and there's a thing i observed whenever i feel sad or almost at the verge of crying off thought of losing her she feels happy and smiles and says i was kidding :) so she broke up with me that day. Later she video called me and said "you didnt even try to stop me going" i know i should've asked her not to go but i couldn't process things at that moment.

After this, she said **she's confused she dont want to go but she want to feel that loneliness and want to be an independent woman** i said okay but later she said stop me i am not in my senses i dont want to lose you and so i did, we patched up.

We have had arguments every single month since we started this relationship over small things which she created.

She used to compare me a lot with her guy friend who was trying on her and made me feel jealous. We didn't have the same music taste and she said " it was better with them( her guy friend who used to like her and used to jam on spotify w her but she rejected him) she used to tease me with saying shit about " what if i have one night stand with any random guy wht would you do?"

And when i get upset on this behaviour and used to say if u leave me someone else gonna touch me it will be your loss then"

I felt very bad because this is the girl i love the most and she thinks that it's a joke when she talks shit about her. I even mentioned that i dont like this behaviour but she said that she was kidding just to make me jealous and obsess over her. It was her constant behaviour when we argued over something she used to say these things.

Yes i hurt her tooo and everytime i felt guilty and ran to her to apologise. Never blamed her for anything. She didnt like my behaviour so i worked on it to made sure i dont hurt her for my behaviour.

And everytime we argued was because she made me feel insecure by talking to guys i dont like. That boy used to say her i love you and she used to laugh over his text and i even asked her to block him so she said " his granny is suffering from Alzheimer's and his father died that's why i feel sympathetic towards him" and didn't block him.

I was so in love that i ignored these red flags and still wanted to make her feel special. I did everything.. whatever she mentioned i brought her that thing. She loves flowers. Everytime I used to bring flowers whenever we met.

Her bday, i spent every single penny i collected and even borrowed some money from my friends to give her gifts which she once mentioned in a talk.

On every date i used to bring her traditional earrings, bracelets because she liked them.

Did her assignments, her friends' assignment just because i didnt want to make her feel tired.

I used to pick her up and drop her to her home when she was down. And in last fight she said that she is highly independent and need nobody.

It was my bday i got late reaching home i was with my friends and the phone battery died she made me say SORRY for this for so many times because i replied late.

I didn't focus on my exams but spent my prep time with her on vdo chat because she was feeling insecure :/

When her endsem result got out she blamed me that she couldnt perform because of me. Because our arguments. She was better before this relationship.

i felt so guilty.

She is a man hater girl, and everytime when there's a problem in her life she blamed me.. and all that lines ALL MEN ARE SAME.

After every fight, she was always up for breakup. Even on small things. Whenever there's an issue she blocked me for some time, when i dont agree with her she blocked me. Repetitively. Every time she said you dont understand me, my emotions, my feelings n all like she's is the only one in this relationship. And i am only one who's hurting her breaking her.

She had this rule of- do not involve any 3rd person in our relationship, our fights -but she didn't follow her rules. I never included anyone in fights. But you know what? Her bestfriend knew everything about our relationship. The moment we shared together, her bestfriend knew all of this.

There was a fest in her college but I didn't attend it with her i was at home also she was confused whether I'll get an entry or not. Since then things have gone wrong down the road.

One day she invited me home and there we spent good time together but later on she got upset and anxious she hit me slapped me on my face several timed while i was just calming her down. When i left, i even said sorry on text that i made her anxious that i was leaving. But that evening she replied that your sorrys meant nothing when you cant change your behaviour 🙂 i have never even raised my voice on her. And yet she sometimes hit me in public and shouts on me.

We fought and then sorted out later but her bestfriend texted me and said cuss words and said yyou dont deserve her you make her go through anxiety attacks, panic attacks and you hurt her a lot. You should stay away from her and stop doing this fake love thing :).

When i told my gf about this, she took her side and didnt choose me. She said she wants better, more efforts, a guy who can flex her among friends or in public. I told my parents about her and she wants to get flexed among my friends.

She made this like everything is about her but don't consider me as human.

I broke up but now everyone thinks i did wrong.

She texted me sorry's she wont do this again , last chance but this damage when she said that she doesn't want someone who's struggling in his life.. yeah i am working on me but how can i forget these words. When there's always this thing in the back of my mind that am not enough for her. Hwo can i go back to her when i am still building.my career. Her friends are texting me..i blocked all of them but that regret i still carry that i let this go.. When my family ask me about this girl i try to avoid that convo cz i parted my way from her. I loved her but i was never enough for her. No matter how much efforts i put.

Sorry for my english.

Long story short- she never took accountability for her actions, took me for granted cz i was the one who fell first and said in the beginning I won't leave your side ever! Blamed me for her mood and frustration. Never put any efforts to make me feel special. While ignoring all the efforts am putting just to make her feel safe and secure with me. And she says its BARE MINIMUM.

All those things that men are responsible for all issues happening w women and that anger bursts on me sometimes. She used to say she doesnt want someone who raises his voice on her and i never did but she hit me so many times and i never say a single word to her regarding this. Still am not enough.

I do miss her but back of the mind her words wont allow me to go back to her and be involved in that same pattern of fights, disappointments.

I don't want to be an obstacle in her career journey and this year is important for both of us. I dont know if i should go back to her or not.. if she's okay or not. I know am not perfect, nobody is. But i was giving my best :)