I never thought I’d say this, but I only recently discovered you can actually see a bit of downtown Toronto from the Lakeview area in Oshawa.
I’ve lived around here for a while and somehow never noticed it. On a clear day, you can make out part of the skyline across the lake, and it honestly caught me off guard. I always assumed Toronto was too far away to be visible from here.
Throwaway because mutuals might be on here. Long post, sorry — I need to get it all out and I need honest takes.
I’m 26M, my ex is 23F. We broke up about a week ago. She had a Hinge profile up within two days. I’m still in pieces and I genuinely don’t know if I’m the asshole, or if I should be telling myself I dodged something. I need outside eyes because mine are wrecked right now.
How it started
We matched on Hinge about a year ago. She was smart, funny, ambitious, serious about what she wanted in life. I’d genuinely been looking for someone like her for a long time and felt like I’d finally found her.
About a week into talking, she told me she was looking for someone who didn’t talk to ANY other girls. Just her. No female friends. I thought it was a lot in the moment, but she was dead serious, and I told her I’d stop if that’s what she needed. Honestly, part of me figured she’d never actually hold me to it — that it was just something she was saying because she’d been hurt before, and she’d relax once she felt safe.
To “prove” I was trustworthy I gave her my phone passcode. I told her she could look anytime — I just asked that she tell me before going through it, because I’m weird about people using my phone without my knowledge.
Mistake #1 (mine)
Early in the relationship, after we’d gotten intimate, I told one of my close female friends some of the details. I shouldn’t have. That was 100% on me. My girlfriend asked one day if she could read my messages, I said yes, she found it, and that was the start of her losing trust. She blacklisted that friend.
From that point on, anything triggered her — who reacted to my Instagram stories, who replied to me, who liked a post. We were fighting once or twice a week over stuff like that.
Trying to understand her
Here’s the thing — I get insecurity. I’ve been there in past relationships, different context, but I know how it eats you from inside. So when she’d spiral, I tried to be patient. I told myself it was her trauma talking. I’d validate her feelings, reassure her, talk it through. Then the next fight would come a few days later.
The convocation
At my graduation ceremony, a female classmate came up while I was on the phone with my girlfriend and asked if I wanted to grab coffee with the group. Another girl in the group called over that we were late for the ceremony. I said okay and walked with them. My girlfriend said I’d chosen them over her, that I’d made her feel powerless and worthless. She wanted to break up right there. Huge fight.
The hospital incident — this is the one I keep coming back to
My dad was in critical condition in the hospital. I tried to call my girlfriend. She was asleep and didn’t answer. I needed to talk to someone — I was scared, I needed to rant — so I called a close female friend instead.
When my girlfriend found out, she made it about her. She said I had no boundaries. Her definition of “boundaries” was that I shouldn’t go to female friends for emotional support. Ever. Even when my dad was in the hospital and she was asleep.
I want to ask the sub directly: is that a normal definition of boundaries? Because I’ve never heard it that way before.
Two months in a cage
To make her feel safe, I agreed not to talk to any female friends for two months. We didn’t fight during that period. She was happy. I was suffocating. I have three close female friends I’ve known for 7-8 years and I’d cut them all off cold turkey. She was also checking my phone in between to feel safe.
After two months I told her I couldn’t keep doing this — I needed my friends back. She agreed and said she understood. Two weeks later she brought it back up, said it was still bothering her, and asked me to cut off two specific friends permanently. The ones I’d known the longest — 7-8 years.
I said no. She kept saying “but you promised.” That circled and circled. Eventually it cracked into a fight that became a breakup.
The on-again-off-again year
We broke up that time. Within a week she came back because she was going through something in her own life and needed me. I was there for her for the next couple of months. Then I hit a low myself and needed her, and she pulled away and broke up with me. Then she came back a week later. We got back together.
The job and the move-in demand
I just landed a big new job I’d been working toward for ages. The schedule flipped my life — I used to work mid-afternoon to late night, now I’m up at 5-6 AM. Her schedule is the opposite of mine and we couldn’t find common time. I asked her for 2-3 weeks to settle into the new routine.
Her response was that she needed me NOW and I wasn’t there for her. She wanted to move in with me immediately. I told her I wasn’t ready. A childhood friend of mine had just vacated his place and was crashing with me for a few months anyway — we’d been planning to relocate closer to her in a few months. But the truth is I was also dreading the idea of being watched 24/7. After two months of no female friends and constant phone checks, the thought of cohabitation gave me anxiety I couldn’t shake.
She said she’d had enough and broke up with me.
The aftermath
She’s clinically depressed and now on therapy and antidepressants — she started both around this time. I genuinely respect that and I told her I’m glad she’s getting help.
Two days after the breakup I went to see her. She told me she’d already installed Hinge and was planning to date other people and move on. Two. Days. I asked her how she could do that so fast. She said she needs validation she’s not getting from her parents (she’s estranged from them) or from friends (she doesn’t really have any here).
I installed Hinge just to see if she was actually on it. She was. Her profile says she’s looking for a “meaningful relationship.” That gutted me in a way I can’t describe.
Where I am now
I’m in therapy. I’m trying. But it’s killing me. The thought of someone else with her — touching her, seeing her, doing what we did — I can’t stop the loop. I’ve cried more in the last two days than I have in years.
And here’s the part I can’t quite admit out loud: I still want her back. Even after all of this. I keep telling myself if I just loved her hard enough, showed her she was loved, didn’t give up on her — she’d be okay. She doesn’t have anyone. I worry constantly that the next person she meets will hurt her and she’ll have nobody to fall back on.
But I also know that for the last year I’ve been suffocating. I haven’t seen my closest friends. I’ve been auditioning for love every day.
My mistakes, by my count:
1. Telling a friend intimate details of our relationship. That broke her trust and I own it.
2. Trying to change her thinking instead of accepting we weren’t compatible.
3. Making promises (like cutting off female friends) I couldn’t keep long-term and shouldn’t have made.
So — AITAH?
• AITAH for not cutting off my female friends permanently?
• AITAH for not being ready to let her move in when she wanted to?
• AITAH for the way I handled this whole thing?
Tell me straight. I can take it. I just need to know if I lost a good thing or got out of a bad one — because right now I genuinely can’t tell.
TL;DR: GF wanted me to cut contact with all female friends including ones I’ve known 7-8 years, fought constantly about IG reactions and replies, made my dad’s hospitalization about her “boundaries” being violated when I called a female friend for support, wanted to move in immediately while I was adjusting to a new job’s schedule. We broke up. She was on Hinge looking for a “meaningful relationship” two days later. I’m gutted and trying to figure out who was actually the asshole here.