I want to grow and be happy/healthy but there’s this part of me that WANTS to live a depressed lifestyle and i don’t understand why. I’m drawn to sadness and crave a life of addiction and depression but that’s not what i actually want, why is my mind doing this to me?
Trauma dump unfortunately(this is one of many problems in my life) but i’ve come to ask for help or ideas on how to get over this…chapter? Backing up, i’ve grown up around alcohol and weed since i can remember, i don’t remember much of my childhood so i can’t say it was always great but my family memories are a mix of really good and really bad.
(idk why but anytime i hear my mother walking around i always get this terrible fear in my chest and i always brace for the worst…)
My mother, who’s been an alcoholic for years now has finally pushed my father away enough for him to move. He has moved across the country and is staying with family all because of my mother choosing alcohol over her family.
Yes i’ve tried talking to her, we’ve offered to pay for rehab, we have done everything. And she still won’t change, even tho she knows what she is doing is wrong and fully admits it to our face.
I feel like a horrible daughter because one part of me wishes that i never see her again and i can finally be free of the responsibility of watching her, and the other half wants her mom back.
(because of my “mommy issues” it’s really caused a depression for me and i’ve resorted to weed to escape reality i suppose. She uses this as blackmail on me and always tells my gramma about all the “bad” things i do when she’s drunk, she will always turn every conversation to the opposite and victimize herself constantly…)
I just want to live a happy life again without always feeling empty. I don’t know how anymore…