Y'all ever get that feeling where you want people to hate you? But when they start hating you, you get worried that they might actually leave you? I have a voice that I hear in and out of my head that makes me push the people closest to me away: family, partner, friends, coworkers. The main reason I have this voice is cause it tells me to make people hate me so it'd be easier to kms. I've told many people in my life that I'm dealing with this problem, but I feel like it's slowly working. I don't want people to actually leave or hate me. I have no plan or intention on killing myself anytime soon either. Ive had this voice for a few months, and it rarely shuts off. The only time I can't hear it anymore is if I'm working at my job and I'm on autopilot since I'm constantly busy or if I'm sleeping. I can't continuously keep myself busy at home so I mainly sleep the days away now. Is there anyone else that has this? I need ways of silencing it. The main coping mechanisms I've been using are sleeping, keeping myself busy, and cutting myself. The only problem with the last coping skill I have is it's summer now and I can't just cut on my arms. My legs aren't the best to cut either. I like to be able to feel the stinging sensation and blood dripping down me. I mainly like it on my arms, it helps ground me. I only do cat scratches to ease the tension, I rarely do anything worse than that, but with my reputation of cutting and how bad it's gotten at times (I have nerve damage and have had stitches before), I can't even cut cat scratches without people threatening the hospital. What's the best thing I should do? How can I ground myself?

Here is what I've tried as a substitute for cutting:

Snapping a rubber band on my wrist really hard (4/10)

Drawing with a red felt marker on myself (6/10)

Pinch myself then letting red water or watered down red paint drip from that area I pinched (7/10)

Pain fidgets like "lil ouchies" (8/10)

Letting an ice cube sit on the area I want to cut (8/10)

Burn myself (7/10)

Bite myself (7/10)

Intentional paper cuts (3/10)

Cold/hot showers (3/10)

Why doesn't nobody ever want to be with me I'm losing all of my relationships and I'm so tired of it during the day I'm fine around people but when I'm alone at night alone all the dark disturbing thoughts take over. Everyone is plotting against me. My sibling, my partner, and my friend all won't respond to me cause they are plotting and are trying to get rid of me they're sick of dealing with my stupid depressing or manic episodes and they're trying to get rid of me idk what they are trying to do yet but they are waiting until I'm in a low low mindset and they will attack. I have nobody I can truly trust anymore I don't even know who I am honestly I fake everyone. I have mask on of who I used to be and nobody will ever notice. That's prolly why they are trying to attack me cause they saw through my mask and they are the closet people to me so they know that I'm fake and are trying to get rid of me

I've been telling eeople for months now that I'm faking and they just laugh off like I'm joke but even I truly don't know who I am I don't know what I like dislike love anything I don't know I'm just here I'm a shadow of some person. They saw through my mask they're out to me and they'll collect my bones and display them just like I do it's brilliant they know I love art so much that they'll make me into art that's what this is all about

That song won't leave my mind it won't leave my TV or phone. The song that sent me into psychosis what do I do why won't it go away what the fuck am I supposed to do I can't turn it off anymore it want me dead I can't be alone anymore but I don't have anybody please please please why do I always get this what have I done to deserve this I don't want this shit anymore I'm supposed to be living happily godddamjjg

Sorry if this isn't the right type of post here but what should I do if I'm getting horrible seasonal depression that I reach out to people and when they say they're busy and can't come over right away or they don't understand what I'm going through my mind tells me that nobody ever wants to see me and that I should just lie down on the train tracks and wait for my time

It's eating away at me please help