u/Yellowlabrador981

Recently I've been getting closer and sparking me and my girlfriends relationship back up, and I'm managing to put some distance between me and my parents. Unfortunately my grandma's condition isn't getting much better, and my little sisters are going to live in Cali, but overall my life has been on the upswing. I got a better, higher paying job, and although some of my coworkers are a bit annoying ( the super nice but slightly passive sggressive polite ones) most of them are genuinely chill. I've kind of been chudmaxxing and taking it easy since schools still out.

My body issues are getting better as I eat better and lose weight. I'm actually seeing a lot of muscle growth.

I mean, not much has changed for me, except I go into work 2 hour earlier. I'm slowly getting a bit more comfy in my own skin, y'know? Plus I've been doing a little bit of self discovery and reflection on myself and who I am as a person, and who I want to be.

I'm careful when I cross roads, I'm gentle with my little siblings, I'm patient with my parents, I'm attentive with my friends. I eat good food. I love good people.

Life is alright, I guess. Could be worse. I'd rather be okay than miserable, and that's alright. Remember, boredom is always better than despair. Oh yeah! I cut all my long hair off. I'm still conflicted on how to feel about it. I grew it out since I was like 10, and now it's buzzed and short again. Cant wait to grow it out all over again. Used to have a wolf cut.

Jarvis, give me chapter 6 and 7 of deltarune tomorrow

17m. Lots of undiagnosed mental problems. I'm not sure what. I suspect Cluster B stuff. Autism. I'm less sure about OCPD and ADHD. I live in the Bible Belt, right next to Texas.

Almost everyone Im around in my day to day life is completely unbearable. They're loud, irrational, ignorant, and let their feelings govern them even when it doesn't make sense. My parents are ignorant hillbillies who talk about microchips and the antarctic being a secret. Confederacy supporters, huge trump fanatics. Racists. Bigots.

I don't throw the word around, because I don't enjoy diminishing the meaning of them. But they embody it perfectly. My mom is a mean girl pick me who hasn't matured since 15. My stepdad is a hillbilly who dropped out at 14 and did crack. Has 3 baby momma's and finally is with my mom.

Both of them are dumb as rocks. My dad thinks that the conderacy wasn't about slavery. S

My mom thinks that 'organic' labelling means healthy. She talks about mcdonalds using pesticides and micro plastics like those aren't issues everywhere for the past damn century.

Moms a religious nut. Outright hates LGBTQ people and immigrants. Self centered. Egotistical. Everything is about how she feels and what she wants. Everyone is judging her, trying to copy her. She justified and rationalizes every fuck up.she expects me to take care of her when I'm older. Probably gonna go NC. definition of vulnerable narcissist.

Dad's not as bad he's just mostly ignorant about immigration and that sort of thing.

My immediate family isn't any better. I'm the oldest of way too many siblings. Mostly step. 4 step sisters. 1. Step brother. 1 half sister. 2 half brothers. 3 marriages total.

The other oldest is 12.

I have maybe 4 people I would consider friends.

Aliases used. Mata, my day one. Ronan, my day two. Bex, graduated friend. Oliver. Bex's cousin who's low-key like my little sibling.

Mata has schizotypal PD. Ronan has conduct disorder and shows every dsm5 sign of ASPD. Diagnosed with autism and GAD too. Bex has AuDHD. Oliver.. yikes. I read the DSM-5 from and back, and psychology is my special lifelong interest.

They're good people. I like them. I enjoy being around them.

But God do they suck at emotional comfort. Mata is uncomfortable with being close, Ronan outright doesn't care and doesn't have empathy cognitive or emotional, Bex has low emotional intelligence, and Oliver has too much shit going on in their life already.

All my other peers make me feel terrible. Either they anger me, with their ignorance and willfulness to be stupid. Willfulness to put themselves into bad situations and then cry and claim to be a faultless victim. How everyone can't admit when they're wrong and just own up to their faults. It's not hard. Everyone is so self centered. So performative. It makes me sick. They all say they're there. That they won't judge. But they do. They slways do. They look at you like shit on the bottom of their shoe.

Everything they do isnt of substance, it's just to be polite. They don't actually care. They never have. If they aren't doing that then they're making me feel inferior. Shared histories, inside jokes I don't get, gcs im never apart of. It doesn't really matter how hard I try to get close, or even if I'm just being myself. Being myself doesn't work. Being someone else doesn't either. Little pitying looks. Only letting me come with because they feel bad. I can see it, the hesitating before they say yes. They don't want me there. They just don't have the backbone or authenticity to say no. And that almost hurts more. I'm not fragile. I've gone through worse. So stop looking at me like I'll break at the wrong word. I will, but you won't see it.

They're all from so much better homes than me. Or so much worse. It was always loving parents, doting on them and showing them plenty of love. Or it was getting beat and doing drugs since childhood. I'm neither. I was neglected, but I was fed. So I don't feel like I have a right to be as mentally ill or traumatized as I am. I was verbally and emotionally abused but that was mostly it. Mom gaslit me a lot. Put down a lot.

I do the basic growing up stuff. Working a job. Paying taxes. Haven't gotten a car or my license yet. I still feel like a child. Like a puppy that's been kicked and flinches at every noise. I've shown massive growth in social skills and emotional intelligence lately. I have a lot more friends.

Everyone is stupid. Actual morons. Legitimately, I cannot understand for the life of me why some people do what they do. It's always driven by a simple impulse or the need to give a reaction, or something petty and irrational. Theres almost zero thought process in every action, there's no self awareness despite being entirely self centered. You'd think those two things would be correlated, but nope!

I'm incredibly emotional and almost all of my reactions are disproportionate to what caused them. I exaggerate things for the sake of being interesting. I can flip from being on top of the world to wanting to end it or wanting to choke someone out in cold blood and watch as the life leaves their eyes. Or ruin their life in anyway possible.

Nobody does their jobs, their responsibilities. It angers me.

I feel like I'm going fucking insane. Am I the problem? Because everything in my life points to me being the one who's wrong, but every time I re examine an individual situation it wasn't entirely my fault. Sure there were places I messed up and screwed up, but it can't 100% be my fault right? I feel like secretly all my friends hate me and just don't have the heart to say it. The only good stable thing in my life is my girlfriend. She's safe. I love her so much. She used to bring me comfort but even tonight what usually worked is failing. I'm afraid she's getting bored of me.

I wish I wasn't so insecure. But I don't even feel bad about myself. I just inherently consider myself as 'other.' not worse, but different. And to everyone else? That's inferior to them.

I'm a guy. In the Bible belt. Who's not some hyper masculine aggressive dude with a trucker hat and 20k in fishing and hunting gear. I''m not very good looking. I'm significantly heavier than most. I'm not even fat. It's just everyone here is super skinny. Like, 6 foot and 130 lbs skinny. I'm 5'11 and 184 lbs. Flared ribs, huge shoulders, huge chest, big waist, huge legs. I'm just .. huge. Everyone else is so much smaller and it makes me so horribly self conscious. I'm strong. Everyone thinks I'm weak because I don't like showing off that strength.

Somedays I want to get worse. I want to get so bad. I want to carve myself into pieces and go on a killing spree just to prove that I am mentally ill. I don't even have the natural instinct to eat or drink anymore. I just do it out of craving sugar or caffeine. The best part of my day is eating. I'm so scared of being overweight. I'm not even overweight but I feel like a pig. I'm actually decently toned. But no matter what I do I can't get my stomach down.

I'm sick. I've had double pneumonia for a month and nobody believes me even though I've had it before. This is what it feels like. I remember it vividly. Everyone expects me to this picture perfect individual while not even being able to hold up to half of the standards they have for me.

Maybe when I turn 18 I'll just fake my death and move up north with my girlfriend and start all over again. That sounds nice. There's nothing for me here. My siblings will be fine. My grandma will probably pass before then. My grandma is the closest thing I've had to a mother figure. My grandpa was my father figure before he died. Stroke. Didn't even tell me something had happened until he was dead, you know. My grandma had cancer. Survived it. S lot of heart issues. Triple bypass. Now she's in a wheelchair cause she damaged her knee and hand.

I'm so scared. I don't want her to die. But I don't want her to be in pain anymore. But when she's gone I won't have anything tethering me to this godforsaken place. I've instilled the values of love and kindness to the step siblings I still see and my half brother. Of forgiveness and following your own path. I was a genius kid. They were not. I make sure they know that they don't have to follow my example or go at my pace. My friends know how much I appreciate them. And they'd be fine if I was gone. Not dead, but somewhere else.

I feel so numb. Like my soul is withering. I've come so far, and I have my dream colleges begging me to be on their campuses. I got a 92 in my Asvab. A 24 on my ACT blind first try. Despite not knowing. Most of the material. Especially math. I hate math.

Why do I feel the same? Why can't I feel happy again? Why does nothing spark joy? I've been stuck in this void like I've been drowning for years. But suddenly when something makes me spark up, I'm no longer bored or empty. I'm full of rage or despair or euphoriaz but it's fine just as quick as it started and I'm left exhausting. I can hardly ever cry even when I try to get emotional.

I want to go home. But there's no real home. They say homes where the heart is, but I think I'm just heartless. I don't have emotional empathy. I don't feel bad if I hurt someone unless I deeply care for them.

I want to go somewhere far far away. Somewhere where no one knows me. I want to let go of the past and everything it did to me. But I'm too slow and lazy to be in the present. But I'm too scared and incompetent to face the future. How much running until I'm satisfied? Or will I die wishing I could've done more? Sm I good person?

I try to be. I help others where I can. I buy food for the less fortunate. I assist when possible. I give comfort to my friends. I teach my little siblings things I had to learn the hard way through years of trial and error and make sure they don't become what I am.

But I still am weird towards new people. Instinctively, I guess. I enjoy building them up. Then when they make me angry I cut them off. I don't know. Everyone thinks I'm cold and callous because I function logically. Im not. I'm very deeply emotional and I wish people would see that. I smile every day because I was told that's the right thing to do.. and it never works.

I hate how edgy and typical I sound.

Somedays I want to hide.

Somedays I want to fight.

And some nights, like tonight . I just want to blow my brains out.

But I won't. I'm a coward, afraid of death. And I've got people to look after for now.

Maybe it'll get better with time. I hope it does.

But God it sucks rn.

I need to sleep. I have an interview tomorrow.