u/Yes_Queen3103

Hi, I am a 44yo recently diagnosed AuDHD woman. I have a blended family of 6 children aged 16 down to 2, my 13 year old daughter is a yellow ladybug and my 3 year old son I think will be diagnosed autistic too (both on ndis). My 13 year old is experiencing some challenging mental health issues and along with that, frequent school refusal. Somehow with all of their needs and mine I am managing to hold down a four day/week job, thankfully my workplace and manager is very flexible with me being able to WFH, take time for appointments for kids and make that time up elsewhere etc. I’ve recently realised that I am in a DV relationship with my husband. Or maybe I knew but just don’t want to admit it to myself 😓 I have an intake appointment with my local DV service tomorrow. I’m gutted tbh.

Anyway it’s been on my list of things to do to apply for NDIS for myself for sometime. My diagnosis is by a psych (not clinical) so I’m assuming I will need to get that redone or reviewed by a clin psych. And an FCA by an OT? Is that what is needed to apply these days?

Late diagnosed AuDHD. Please help me with some perspective.

Off the back of a horrible argument today, I wrote some of the words my husband has called me over the past five years on our bathroom mirror: “liar”, “crazy”, “pathetic”, untrustworthy”, “shitty parent”, “embarrassing”. I wanted him to see how much those words have hurt me.

He completely lost it, which I should have expected.

Later, in front of two of our daughters (14 and 13), he said, “How much do you want me to say in front of the girls? Everything? Your past? Your current? You want to play games? I’m in.”

He knows about a mistake from my previous marriage that no one else knows, and he has threatened before to tell people. He has also threatened to use my mental health against me to discredit me. Tonight, I felt like he wanted to destroy me by taking away the people I love most.

I have never been as scared of him as I was, and am, tonight.

What is messing with me is that he keeps saying I’m manipulating him or “playing games.” Im not trying to manipulate him. I just want him to see me. To recognise how hurtful his words are. To do better. To WANT to treat me with love, respect and kindness.

Has anyone been in a relationship where your partner truly believed you were manipulating them when you weren’t? How did you make sense of that?

And if someone has threatened to use your deepest shame or vulnerabilities against you, how did you know the relationship had crossed a line?

I’m feeling pretty broken tonight, so please be kind.

I feel like I really need to put this out there, somewhere, rather than keeping it to myself and continuing to internalise and feel at fault for my husband’s drinking and behaviour, and our communication issues. I’ve never shared any of this with anyone before, I’ve been scared to. I’m new to Al-Anon. Thanks for reading. Just knowing you guys are out there and can relate to my experience helps so much.

He told me I raped him when he dozed off then woke up again during sex that he had initiated. He demanded to look at my phone then was furious I had vented to a friend about him and basically forbade me from talking to her. He got angry that I communicate the bare minimum with my ex for co parenting purposes, countless times. He wrote off our whole family’s weekend with his hangover and angry behaviour, more times than I care to admit. He woke me in the middle of the night countless times to pick a fight or tell me off about insignificant matters. He came home so drunk one night when I was heavily pregnant, that the cab driver had to assist him up to the house cause I couldn’t do it. He wet the bed. He walked into the wardrobe instead of the bathroom to do a wee. He fell asleep on the hallway floor when my parents were here. He walked into the hallway during the night naked when my parents and/or older girls (my kids/his step kids) were here. He gambled away thousands of dollars of our shared money. He left me sitting by myself in a club, heavily pregnant, for hours, while he played poker machines and smoked and drank. He vomited out of our swag at camping then was angry at me for not looking after him. He verbally and emotionally abused me in front of our children. He tried to get in the car and drive away and I had to physically stop him the he was furious and abusive towards me. He told me im crazy and have problems and need to no committed to a psych ward, countless times.

The list is not exhaustive. But I am exhausted by writing it.

Edit to add: I’m really shy and haven’t felt confident to speak at a meeting yet. I also have autism and adhd and often he blames his/our dysfunction on me because of that.