300 days free - reflections
Made it to 300 days. Ups and downs, but in peace with myself. Some lessons learned:
a) Biggest mistake people make is looking back and thinking about the money lost. The more you think about it the stronger the urge to "win it back". It's gone. No way to win it back. Accept it.
b) the most dangerous part of sobriety is believing that you are cured and you can easily play "just a bit" without becoming addicted again. No. You need to admit that you will be an addict for the rest of your life and there is nothing like a casual small play. This is what ruined all my previous attempts to quit and caused nothing more than more loses. This is the core message. We are addicts for life. One bet, one spin, one hand WILL NEVER BE JUST ONE. Your brain will spiral back. Always.
c) I have not attended GA meetings and have not told my wife, but have confessed to my best friend and shared all the small wins - 5, 15 days, 50 days. Weak? Maybe, but I wasn't ready for the addiction to compromise my marriage. First months I'd play a lot of demo slots to enjoy the games, and it helped to fight the urges. Maybe this wasn't the "ideal way" - my point is that there is no magical method. Each of us is different, with different life situation. Trust your own judgment and stick to the plan you make when you are at your lowest and when you decide to quit. Do not try to follow what others are saying if you think it will not work for you. Find your own way. Analyze, rethink, change means, be your biggest critic, but stay yourself.
d) relapse is ok, but can be seen as a truly helpful lesson only if you carefully analyze the reasons afterwards. I have tried to quit many times, same determination. But something has always ruined it. Only after several relapses I realized it was connected to point b) above. Feeling confident that addiction is gone. Nope. I get that many of us play because of boredom. But boredom is not the reason why we go back. It is the illusion that we have changed.
e) eliminating debt, step by step, is the biggest reward. Not having to think "how much I can spend tonight", or "how much can I still borrow". Freedom is wonderful. I was able to save money and take my family on an amazing holiday. I wouldn't have been able to should I still be playing. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud that I can provide and spoil them.
300 days is still just the beginning, but enough time had passed for me to understand the addiction better. Urges happen. And they will keep happening, I'm sure. That's ok - I'm an addict. But I enjoy life without gambling zillion times more than I did when gambling.