u/ZookeepergameSea816

She (31f) broke up with me (46m) Tuesday. We started seeing each other last September so almost 9 months. essentially been living together since January.

I love this woman so much. So much so that she might be the first woman I’ve truly loved, but I ruined it. I don‘t mean I ruined it like I pissed her off; I think she is gone for good. She was so incredibly sweet and loving and patient and kind. She has issues like the rest of us, actually more trauma than anyone I’ve met, but she was very upfront with me in such a refreshing way. everything was refreshing about her.

before her I hadn’t been in a legit relationship in nearly 18 years. when my daughter was born I threw myself into being a dad. so much so that it contributed, minimal as it may be, to her mother and I splitting up before she had turned 2 (which I make no apologies for.)

I went on a couple of dates over the years and was part of a fling or two, but never remotely serious enough to bring around my child (except one mistake i made when my daughter was 10 which I rectified by ending it soon after.) my family would tell me to start dating and I would tell them to mind their own business. I didnt want to distract myself from my role as a father.

Because of this, I suspect, I spent the next 18 years untested as a man in a romantic relationship. There is so much shit about myself that I didn’t know even existed until I fell in love with my now ex. I was intermittently insecure for absolutely no reason, I said things that hurt her feelings with the intention of being funny and then attempted to explain that to her as if it somehow magically addressed the hurt. I was not insightful enough to have drawn this conclusion on my own, she had the grace to calmly tell me this. before I go further, I understand that it’s not all on me, but I am not writing this to point out her shortcomings. as humans we are all imperfect and flawed. but this woman, was amazing to me in spite of her flaws. as time went on I think I oscillated between being too comfortable and being worried she was not looking at me as a long term partner.

in the times I was too comfortable I took her constancy of lovingness for granted and would act like a jerk when in a bad mood. that could range from being silent and probably distracted to bitching about trivial things I now wish I never gave a thought to.

in the times I was concerned about the future I would talk about it with her. she was good with that for a while, but it started to stress her out and even though she warned me about it, I couldn’t see that she was truly telling me to stop before I triggered her. incidentally, I had no real understanding of that term until she taught me what real triggers were. I kept it up though. it seemed constant to her, though I know it was not. but that’s just it, that was me overlooking her experience in favor of my own perception because it was reality to me. I would gladly yield my reality in those instances to hers had I known it would cause her to stop loving me.

she tried and tried, but eventually had enough and ended it. I am still in shock though I know I shouldn’t be. I love this woman dearly and she now hates me because I went from being a source of calm and safety to being a bitchy source of stress.

i start therapy this coming Tuesday, but it’s too late to fix the things I let ruin a relationship with the woman I love. She won‘t speak to me and told me she only thought she loved me.

I don’t even know why Im posting this. it’s probably incomprehensible babble. how could I be so fucking blind to who I am that I spent the last 8-9 months in a different reality than her? I wish I could go back and be a fucking adult about everything. i dont know, this feels like it will hurt for a long time. I won’t do it again.