u/_-420-

Orchestra of mistakes

Too late to breathe
Too late to hold
Too late to go
You have to go alone

No one around
Close to the ground
Your limbs
they swing and
droop All around

Nothing to see
No one to hold
Feeling to hot
Or im feeling to cold

Nothing inside
No reason why
Just a million lies
That ive heard too many times
Rape my mind
Seed my thoughts

Crumpled inside no time for remorse
Feeling all gone now
These feelings are forced
These dreams now are bleak
and my mind is lost

Where do i go now
Let me see
Show me the truths
Or let me be
Im lost

Lost

Mountainous formations of mind melting deformation
left me looking at a future with no real direction.
Nothing in this life but pure deception,
inception of thoughts and the loss off direction

Left me waiting helpless for a sense of direction
Nothing but the methods of the satisfaction, the actions, reactions leading to nothing

so pointless those actions

Sitting in your chair just observing the actions
Losing yourself to the heat of the moment, the motion, amusement abusement of self, so pointless those actions
No self satisfaction

The self preservation
Awaiting the moment with no hesitation

No fear and no shame
Just a cold winter storm
And an old smudgy name
on an old worn out form

Intoxicated by the sound

This is tearing me apart now

No time for the alarms, just a ticking clock now

Something inside but no one to hold now

Too late for a call, man im losing touch now

Feeling it loom and it wraps around me
Soul and body entombed by one
Settle for less now, i see you thinking

Contemplate your moves before i strike out
I feel it most, when i turn the lights out
Tears me apart in the dark apartment
Causing major grief in the fire department

Tearing me apart and dont know where im going
Doubt itll end well but ill keep going
Only hoping
Hardly coping

I (19m) think ive been having small seizures for the past few months that built up into a full on fit while i was awake(i say “awake”because i think ive been having seizures in my sleep aswell). Some months ago i began having these really strange “dizzy spells” -mostly when i was stressed or fatigued at work- where it felt like my brain would stop working and for a few dozen seconds sometimes leading up to a minute id freeze up and completely lose sense of thought and what im doing, it could be mid action or conversation and id completely blank and when i come back through either not realise or be completely lost and confused, it would even affect my movements with my hands and cause me to drop things and move in strange ways, my eyes would squint uncontrollably sometimes and i wouldnt even know. My coworkers described it like i had tourettes for a minute. These started to occur maybe once an hour at first then a few times an hour and at its worst has been every few minutes. During these weird spells i get intense anxiety and fear, its sort of like im having flashbacks (google told me deja vu which does fit better but its also really scary). Also The taste of the cigarettes i smoke and a weird metalic taste get really strong in my mouth in an uncomfortable and scary way. A few weeks ago i bad a really bad and stressful night( i work at a really busy and classy nightclub so i constantly have music, flashing lights and shouting in my ears) and these spells began almost constant. I was sat outside smoke a cigarette and i became basically unresponsive to my coworkers i think. I lost all train of thought for a few minutes worse than before, my arms began grabbing around myself tightly in unattural ways i couldnt control, my jaw began biting at air or even my arms and shoulders of my jacket, i had weird vocal growls and snairs happening aswell during this episode, my eyes began squinting harder than before and the “flashbacks” become worse and worse and the place my mind was in felt horrible, i was able to breakout of it but i kind of felt on and off the same way for the rest of the night. My coworker gave me a lift home(its usually a 6km walk) and when i got home i put on a vinyl record and sat on the edge of my bed, at this point i was fully concious and i kept having the same feelings and i couldn’t stop grabbing all over my body and my limbs felt lile they were begining to contort, within a minute or two or sitting down i had lied back and i think what i had was a full on seizure, i lost all bodily function and i could only sense the music playing and a loud ringing in my head. I felt like i was in a sense of half conscious, i know my limbs and muscles were contracting and contorting in incredibly painful and unnatural ways and what i imagine looked like the typical seizure from an outside perspective was happening. Afterwards i was able to sort of come to but my body was in excruciating pain and my mind was so tired i felt like i couldnt move, sort of like sleep paralysis.
These feelings feel really similar to the night terrors ive been having, and i often wake up in really intense muscle pain and have bitten tongue and cheeks in the middle of the night, with an impending sense of doom, often accompanied by the same “sleep paralysis” feeling. Im starting to wonder if ive actually been having these “seizures” in my sleep aswell.

Another thing i want to say is that i often have been struggling with similar feelings to the first type of episode on and off for years, usually stopping for months or years at a time.

Im really scared, i dont have a gp or many friends or family to ask for help. Ai says go to the hospital but it also says book an emergency apointment at a local doctors. Anyonr have any advice i would appreciate it, im struggling to cope with this all i dont know what to do

Edit: i forgot to add since the fit in my bed, the less advanced fits and “nighterrors” have got dramatically worse to the point its almost everyday and im scared ill have another full on fit soon