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there’s a lot here, if you don’t wanna read it all, there’s a TL;DR at the end. But please read this if you have AUDHD and or fatigue like me, leave a comment if you want, otherwise I’d love to have a chat! dms are open :)

And I’ve been thinking that maybe the “solution” to having energy for a day is basically to do almost nothing the day before. Which honestly just feels impossible.

For so long my days have basically been like 1–2 days a month where I actually have enough energy to play a game for a decent amount of time. Rocket League is what I’ve been playing lately, but Minecraft, Roblox, whatever. These things genuinely help with my depression and give me something to look forward to, but most of the time I just don’t have the energy for them.

Most days are basically: wake up, do my morning routine, and then feel so fatigued that I basically collapse. Maybe I’ll try to do a few jobs or something, but even eating and making food can feel difficult. Then I end up watching YouTube or something I’ve already seen a million times because my brain can’t handle anything else.
And I’m really fucking sick of that.

I don’t know how much of this is the fatigue itself, ADHD, possible autism, or some combination of things. Maybe those things do overlap a lot, I honestly don’t know. I just know what it feels like for me.

I actually really enjoy gaming when I can do it. I love playing with friends, but I really haven’t been able to if I’m tired. I sort of just don’t play at all now. But a lot of the time I’m basically playing on a completely different version of myself. My brain is slow and fatigued, so I have to play in a really simple way and avoid anything too technical.

Sometimes I’ll just do easy stuff in training mode because that’s all I can manage. And even that can completely drain me.

By the end I can be so fucked. I’m struggling to breathe properly, sweating from stress, my muscles are twitching, I feel completely drained, and nothing is enjoyable anymore. I don’t even want to do anything, but I also don’t want to just lie down and rest because I’m so sick of resting.

Lying on the grass outside can actually help sometimes, but obviously I can only do that so much.

I’ve basically stopped playing unless I feel like I can actually play properly. I don’t even know what my actual best ability is anymore because I haven’t been able to consistently access it.

And the frustrating thing is I’m actually really passionate about things. Art, fashion, music, content creation, all sorts of stuff. I put “passionate” in quotes because I barely get a chance to actually engage with any of it, let alone show anyone else that side of me.

I really want to be a streamer or YouTuber, or just create some kind of content. And you could say “just do it while you’re tired,” but it doesn’t really work like that. If I use what little energy I have to make something, I might not even have enough left to edit it afterwards. It can take so much energy.

And when I finally do have some energy, I naturally want to spend it on whatever gives me the most joy and stimulation. And honestly, what I’ve been craving most of the time is just video games.

Sometimes I can’t even watch my favourite games on YouTube because then I really want to play, but I know it takes too much out of me. And I guess this has become so normal for me that I don’t even always realise how fatigued I am until it gets worse.

Sometimes when I start playing, it’s hard to tell how much the fatigue is affecting me. I just know I’m not playing my best. Sometimes I forget that I’m fatigued and try to push through it, or try to force myself to have fun, but it never really works.

I’ll get on, maybe do some training mode, or sometimes push through and play online, casual or competitive. But I’m just not having fun. I keep pushing through anyway, and eventually I stop and just feel empty and hopeless. Like I’m stimulated but completely exhausted at the same time.

Then I end up reaching for the next easiest thing to cope with sugar, carbs, or just any other stimulation or cheap dopamine I can get. Which has caused addiction. And addiction always doesn’t help for anyone, but I feel like it extra didn’t help for me. Like one slip up and I’m done for.

I think I’m starting to understand more about how fatigue actually affects me now. I’m noticing the patterns more and I’m getting better at recognising when my brain and body just aren’t able to do something. It’s still really confusing and complicated though, and honestly I feel a bit bad that I haven’t realised some of this sooner. I have thought about it before, but I guess I didn’t really understand how much of my life it was affecting.

It’s just fucking annoying. I’m starting to understand myself more, but at the same time I’m realising just how much this has been affecting me.

I guess part of why I’m posting all this is because I’d really like to hear from anyone who relates to this. Even if you don’t have any answers, it would honestly be nice to know I’m not the only person experiencing this kind of thing.
Anyway, that’s probably enough for now lol. I’ve written a lot of this, or honestly probably all of it, in my journal many times. I guess I need to get the frustration out somewhere. It must help in some way.

I’m seeing a phychologist in 2 days so I’ll hopefully be “diagnosed” and then treated. Any advice or support still helps, but maybe I’ll make another post if i have questions that need answering, once I have a better diagnosis or grasp of what’s really causing my fatigue.

Hopefully someone relates.

Thanks for reading.

TL;DR: I have severe fatigue that makes even gaming, eating, making food, hobbies and creating content feel exhausting. I can sometimes have a good day, but it feels like I need to do almost nothing beforehand (but I really don’t know what helps) to have the energy for it. When I push through fatigue, I often end up completely drained and feeling empty/hopeless. I’m starting to realise how much fatigue has affected my life and how much I’ve adapted around it without even noticing. I don’t really know what’s causing all of it, but I’d really like to hear from anyone who experiences something similar.

I’ve been dealing with really bad fatigue for a long time now and I still don’t actually know what’s wrong with me. But I’ve started to understand that it seems like it’s more than just bad quality sleep or mild sleep apnea. It took me so long to get to that point too. So many doctors appointments, different professionals, tests, trying different things, etc. And honestly I feel like I’ve had to figure most of it out on my own.

It’s been really hard trying to explain to people what’s happening when I don’t even know how to explain it myself.

I’m also just really lonely. I’ve lost friends and I don’t really have many friends anymore, or at least not many close friends. And even when I do have people I care about, I can’t really hang out with them or do things with them because I’m so exhausted.

The friend who understood me the most and who I used to hang out with the most is Elliot. He’s actually still here right now, but he’s leaving tomorrow, and I think that’s probably going to make things a lot harder. He’s been the person who’s understood me the most through all of this, so knowing I won’t be able to just hang out with him anymore is really fucking difficult.

My mum has only recently, after quite a long time, started to actually believe me and understand that something is genuinely wrong. I’m really glad she does now, but it still feels pretty shit.

A big part of this is that when the fatigue is really bad, I basically can’t even consume new things. I end up watching YouTube videos or shows/movies I’ve already seen 100 times because that’s all my brain can handle. It can be comforting and it’s better than nothing, but I’m really, really getting sick of it. I want to actually experience things and enjoy things again.

I think I’d just really like to talk to someone who’s in the same boat. Someone who actually knows what I’m talking about without me having to explain everything. I’m not looking for anyone to diagnose me or anything, I have an appointment with a psychologist in two days. I’d just like to talk to people who understand and maybe feel a little less alone.

Idk. It just sucks. There’s so much suffering that comes with this and sometimes I just wish I had someone who understood what it’s actually like.

IM SEVERLEY DEPRESSED EVERYDAY AND HAVE BEEN FOR THE PAST 3 or more years, I HAVE COMPLETELY DEBILITATING CHRONIC FATIGUE AND CANNOT DO BASIC THINGS, I can do one small thing like walk for 5 minutes and then I’m out of energy and depending on the day I’m in bed and eyes shut all day or able to sit up and do low effort things, but with difficulty. My sleep can be perfect and I can still be disabled for the hole day, if my sleep is interrupted by my sleep apnea or dry mouth or I go to sleep 30 mins or more to late or wake up, then it’s even worse.

I’ve tried everything, seen dr multiple times and I still am, there’s a shortage of drs rn where I live and it’s winter so it’s gonna take like a couple weeks. My drs have been a bit useless tho and only doing the bare minimum, which frustrates me, hopefully this appointment will help and if not I’ll find a new dr and maybe try find one online even. I’m pretty desperate and sad so if u have any suggestions lmk.