u/_Violette7_

I can’t go on like this. I doubt everything, my past, my present, my future. I analyze every single thing I do looking for signs that my fears are/aren’t true. Everything is a trigger. I just want to cry all day. I’m 17, and I don’t think I have ever been truly happy in my life. And I’m not sure whether I’ll ever be. I have a therapist, but he hasn’t diagnosed me yet, and this makes me feel even more awful. I just want to have the official proof that I have OCD so I can finally believe that this probably isn’t going to last all my life, that treatment exists and there’s hope for me. But right now I can’t do anything, my grades are getting lower and lower, I can’t get myself to go out of the house, I lost interest in my hobbies. I just want to get better, but I don’t know whether that’s possible.

I’ve loved the original “The Wizard of Oz” book since I was a child, but I haven’t heard about “Wicked” until about two years ago. A few days ago I decided I wanted to check it off of my “musicals I need to listen to” playlist (I knew literally nothing about it, except that it was az Oz retelling with the witches as the main characters), so I listened to the Original Broadway Cast Recording, and I absolutely loved it. Today I watched both movies (unfortunately I have no chance to see the show live), and I adored them too, but the last twenty minutes of For Good blow me away. It was one of the biggest emotional rollercoasters for me in a long time. My favourite songs are probably “The Wizard and I”, “What Is This Feeling?”, “Dancing Through Life” and of course “Defying Gravity”. I hope one day I can see the musical live too!

So I’ve been dealing with SO-OCD for almost 6 years now. In every hour of the day I’m being attacked by intrusive thoughts about me being a lesbian/bi/trans/aro/ace/literally any other sexuality than hetero. It’s awful, and one of the saddest things about it is how hard it is for me to manage friendships. I’m on the autism spectrum too and have social anxiety so it’s always been not easy but with SO-OCD it’s so much worse. For example, I’m friends with this girl and recently we realized how much we have in common and got a lot closer. I’m so glad to have her as a friend, she is an amazing person. But I can’t enjoy being with her because I’m constantly ruminating about “Okay so are you friends with her or do you have a crush on her??” For example we were just talking about going to a movie we both want to watch but instead of looking forward to a program with my friend I’m trying not to cry because I’m constantly questioning whether I think about this as a date or not. It’s so bad because I don’t have many friends and I don’t want OCD to make me chase away the few I have.

Do you have any advice for me? Or is anyone else in a similar situation?

Some context: 17F, have been dealing with SO-OCD for almost six years

I feel so numb and hopeless. I’m ruminating all day. I feel like I lost my ability to like men and I’m never going to get it back and this makes me wanna just break down and cry. My OCD is now doubting that I’m allosexual and/or alloromantic and I’m so afraid that I’ll never be able to be in a relationship, or worse, I never even wanted to, I was just trying to fit in, etc.

My social anxiety has gotten insane, I’m getting intrusive thoughts from literally everything. I couldn’t talk to my therapist last week so that can be one of the reasons too. I just feel so lost and I want those times back when I was sure I’m attracted to men and only men, and I felt so free and happy, but now all I feel is anxiety. And tomorrow I’ll have to go to school like every day, and my best (and only in my class) friend won’t be there so I’ll spend the whole day alone freaking out about what other people are thinking of me, and I’ll have to write a test and I’m gonna do awful because I don’t understand the material at all. My sleeping habits are worse than ever, the max I sleep on a school day is 4,5 hours because I can’t study in the afternoon because of ruminating so I wake up extra early in the morning to study.

Sorry for the rant, I really needed to get that off my chest. I feel like I’m gonna cry. I want someone wise and old to hold me and tell me it’s gonna be okay because I honestly don’t know anymore. I feel like my life is over before it could’ve started. I just want to feel okay again but I don’t know whether this is possible anymore.