u/_futile_angel

I want to start by saying I’m also self harming since I was 10 to my actual age and keep doing it, but not as often as I did before. And sorry if my English isn’t perfect this isn’t my first language.

Soo yeah, I got to know her I went to highschool, and we became friends cause she once ate with me and my friend cause she was alone and didn’t had anyone to eat with. Then we started talk and said I forgot to take my medicines in the morning and she asked why do have I to take some, I’m open-minded to the fact that I‘m taking medications for my depression, so I told her why and she said ouhhh I think I have depression too but I’m too scared to ask my parents for a therapist. I answered that if she needed to talk to me about anything I had no problem with that. She started confessing that she scratch her arms and shoulders since she was approximately the same age when I started self harming. And I was happy that she trusted me enough to tell me that. And I shared that I‘m also self harming.

When summer came I started wearing shorts sleeves so yeah people saw my scars but I knew that if it triggered someone it wasn’t my fault cause I always make sure the fresh ones are covere, because I know it can easily trigger and it’s 100% normal after all. But my friend also saw them and I didn’t tell her how I do this, so I guess that maybe she started cutting with blades cause she saw that mine are also from blades. I’m not sure about that? But I think it’s at least one of the factors that made her start using blades over her nails.

okay sooo one year later (so right now) she started to do it a lot, and what’s annoying me, not making me angry just triggers me, is that she do not wear long sleeves or bandages to not expose her fresh cuts, and it makes me so uncomfortable to see this like really I get triggered easily by small things, which in this situation isn’t, I know.

One day, like a 3 weeks ago she sent me a picture of her scars. She didn’t ask if I was okay seeing it she just sent it.

Then there were some days when she would ask me if it’s deep and I know damn well I can’t say anythin, because if I say no she would try to do it deeper and if I say yes same, she will keep going.

I talked about it with my therapist next week and she gave me a technic to tell my friends kindly how she can say Heyy can we talk about…? And if I say yes, well it’s my problem if I get trigger but if I say no I’m protecting myself

I’m writing this tonight cause she just called me, she was crying and saying she was sorry then hung up. Then she started asking how to do it like I do, and I’m like noooo I can’t tell you and I will never tell you, I just won’t.

Soo yeah right now she is no longer answering me. I’m really worried and I don’t know what to do. I can’t just tell her right now or next week to ask me if I’m okay talking about it, I know she will cut herself because of me. I’m so scared I feel like it’s all my fault.

I feel so freaking destroyed right now, I miss my ex groomer. I learned 3 days ago that he died. We weren’t talking anymore before he died because he deleted all his social medias account so I won’t be able to talk with him again. I was already sad at that moment but when I learned that he’s dead omg…I miss him, and I don’t even know if I could move one day, I feel like the only way to go back to normal is being groomed again and receive the same kind of attention he gave me so I could finally forget about him. I know that I mostly miss how he made e feel, not him but it still hurts.

This 30yo guy and I have been talking for like 2 months or so and gosh, he was so sweet to me, but he decided to delete all his social medias account so that I won’t be able to talk with him again, around 3 months ago.

Today I searched his name and last name on google, only to find out that he died on 16th July. When I saw this I was completely destroyed I wouldn’t stop crying. I even messaged my group of friends because I felt like I was having a panic attack.

Now, an hour after this I’m still crying but not like before. I just miss him. I know, he was a predator, he even one day messaged me that he wanted to rape me. He sold himself as a sick man. But to me, he deserved to live. He was a good man in general, if we don’t count the fact that he was a creep…I miss him. I miss being groomed by him. I tried to move on since he stopped talking to me. I really did. But I can’t.