u/_xeinth

genuinely one of the worst titles I've ever had to write but I HAVE to know if others have ever felt the same cuz good god I cannot be alone.

before I get shunned I'd like the chance to explain myself. I'm only really theorizing here, but look; as trans men misogyny has been existent to some extent in our lives before transition, but I was wondering it could have been an underlying factor in why I turned out this way? Because personally, I started feeling the alienation and seperation from my cis male counterparts very early on, and man I feel like it has definitely caused some resentment/ disgust within myself, hating that I could no longer bond with them the way they bond amongst themselves. As a result, I wanted to escape the teen boy belief that I heard circulating around my school—that "women just weren't as naturally funny as men". maybe hearing that really impacted my formative years..? Either way I was envious of them in every aspect. ESPECIALLY the difference in muscle growth; something inside me was enraged to know that I'd have to work double or even triple time to even compare to cis men, when even despite all the training my skeletal structure would never be as dense. Mind you I was aware that as an AFAB person our strengths are in other places, but none of it ever mattered to me, and if I could have picked I would have chosen the biological advantages of AMAB people every time.

then again this might just be a horrible doubt bout again, or my mind unconsciously trying to convince me I'm not trans (I have known since I was ~10). Psychologically I know how much humans suffer from social judgement and may try to find reasons as to why they should "fit in", seeing as it brings mental peace and comfort to be so; that's exactly why I'm so unsure.

probably important to add that, aside from this, I have gender dysphoria completely unrelated to how I was treated—as in, I just want to be referred to as he/him, I love appearing masculine/ passing, etc. Ages 12-15 I had breakdowns constantly getting feminine compliments/ being forced into the role, my female puberty was starting, I could barely look at my curving, growing hips in the mirror without tearing up, I wasn't starting to grow a stache unlike the boys around me and my face wasn't as chiseled as theirs, etc.

So gulp... what are we thinkin

so, I got the idea of doing so from a friend and his partner. they are T4T, and his girlfriend has been on it for an entire year no issues, and he himself soon hits his third month. due to my circumstances, I think this may be the best possible option for me, seeing as I am freshly 17 and would need parental consent to even get it professionally prescribed, and well. my mother was transphobic enough to send me over to grandparents so that she doesn't have to deal with this. (which honestly, is much better; NYC is SO much better than the deep south, both weather wise and LGBTQ tolerance).

the thing is, I feel that I just can't wait until I hit 18 due to the absolutely crippling dysphoria. ever since puberty hit me at 12, I feel like my hips haven't stopped getting wider, and I mean ffs I'm 5'0—starting test now could stop it before it's too late, it could help change all of these things. I've already watched videos on how to administer shots, and I would get the test off of a steroid site (the same one my friend uses, who vows it is reliable), and the needles I know where to get from as well.

my only problems would be: a), having to explain the changes that would come along (and, as a latino family, I'd say my genetics could very likely bless me with a stache early on), and b) the libido... as in, I'm already a very sex-driven individual, so I could only imagine how frustrated/ out of hand I'd get. any thoughts on how to go about this?