Every time she dies, she tries to avoid that death in her next loop only to be killed by something else. Dumb accidents or traps set to kill her etc. I only saw a reel and couldn't find it's name.
Thank you in advance.
Your writing is already emotionally clear and powerful. I corrected the grammar, punctuation, and flow while trying to preserve your voice and meaning as much as possible.
I don't know. I feel like I wasn't supposed to be born. I am an introvert, but I still try to socialize. I have (or had) three good friends. Sometimes I get the energy to keep living life, but then I keep getting reminders of how much life sucks. I am not strong enough to cut ties with my family or to cut my wrists. I feel stuck in this existence where I don't see a way out.
I know there are people who have it worse than me, and that I should be grateful for the chance to live life. But I keep thinking that I didn't ask for this life — I was forced into it.
My parents keep telling me, my brother, and basically anyone they end up talking to about their kids, that they decided to have me so that my brother would never feel lonely. He is six years older than me. That pretty much describes my relationship with him too. When we were kids, he would only remember me when he had no one else to play with. Otherwise, he wasn't interested. Even after growing up, it's still the same.
My parents keep saying they don't have favorites. At the same time, they have all of his marksheets and documents properly organized, while they lost all of mine. In high school, I realized they didn't care about my things, so I started keeping track of them myself. When I needed my birth certificate for my passport, I asked them where it was. Guess what? They had lost it. Meanwhile, they still have my brother's birth certificate and its official English translation, both laminated and safely stored.
You'd think I am exaggerating, so let me explain. Whenever my brother got a bee sting, a simple fever, or even a nosebleed while playing, my parents would panic. They did countless tests and kept all of his medical reports safely stored. Meanwhile, when I was a kid, I used to get winded easily and feel tired all the time. I would say that my heartbeat felt too fast or fluttery, and they would just say I was fat and unfit. Eventually, I started telling myself the same thing.
It was only last year, at the age of 29, when I started experiencing irregular heartbeats and fatigue, that I finally went for a check-up. It turns out I have an atrial septal defect — a congenital hole in my heart about 3 cm wide. The doctor told me that if I had been properly checked as a child, the procedure would have been easier because the hole would have been much smaller back then.
When I told my parents, they responded with, “There was nothing visibly wrong with you, so how would we know to get you checked?” Then they told me to keep it a secret from relatives and family friends. They constantly talk about my brother's allergy issues, but I can't tell anyone about my own condition or seek support.
I don't know. I don't have any passion. Any hobby I ever had was because I was forced into it due to my brother. I was forced to study subjects that would help keep him company. It feels like I am part of this family simply because I exist, and nothing more. The way they talk makes me feel like they'd rather I didn't exist at all.
And I know this isn't the only thing life has to offer, but I still feel the same way now. I wish I had never existed.
I was already depressed during my bachelor's degree, which everyone chose to ignore. Later, when my brother moved to another country to be closer to his wife, they still ended up living in neighboring countries because of their jobs. My brother got lonely, so he called me there for a cheap master's degree. He paid my fees as a loan and would call me to meet him whenever he wanted company. Otherwise, he didn't care how I was doing alone in a foreign country where I didn't even speak the language.
I took a break from my master's and started looking for a job. When I finally got one, I started seeing a therapist, who diagnosed me with depression and ADHD. When I told my brother, he said, “So many other people have depression too. You're not special.”
Then one day, he suddenly quit his job and moved to be with his wife. I was left alone in a country where I struggled to speak the language and felt isolated at work. My team was made up entirely of white men, and I was the only non-white woman there.
During the mass layoffs in 2023, I lost my job too. I returned to my home country and moved back into my parents' house. I decided to complete my master's degree online since I only had my thesis left; all my coursework was already finished. I had some savings, and from that money, I paid back my brother's loan for my studies. Since I was working on my thesis and unemployed, I also used my remaining savings to buy groceries, clothes, and other necessities for myself and my parents.
I have now finished my thesis and am waiting for my degree to arrive. I only have about $2,000 left.
Now I feel like I have no unfinished business left with anyone. No reason left to live. Net zero.
How do I find meaning or even a purpose to keep living? I have never really felt attraction toward anyone, so I never had a love life either. One of my friends is married now, and we rarely talk anymore. My second friend is in a relationship, and the same thing happened there — we barely speak unless I reach out first. My third friend is focused entirely on getting married and has made it her main life goal for now.
If she drifts away too, I honestly don't know how to make friends in my 30s.
No friends. No goals. No passion. No reason.
I need help because I feel like giving up.
If my life was a sitcom, I'd prob be aside character that is always the butt of the joke.