u/abb_28

I don’t know what to do anymore

Initially, I really loved the idea of doing a PhD. About a year ago (maybe even longer, since I am at the end of my second year of PhD in genetics), I slowly lost all motivation to go to the lab. It’s not that I suddenly stopped caring about science — I think I just lost my courage and confidence somewhere along the way.

What makes it harder is that I work as a research assistant at the research institute where I’m supposed to conduct my PhD experiments. The environment is extremely toxic. People are mean, jealous, constantly mocking me. For five years, I spent so much energy trying to understand why some colleagues disliked me, why they mocked me, what I had done wrong, even though I was always proactive, hardworking, and ready to help everyone no matter what.

Whenever someone needed help with an experiment, PhD research, writing a paper, organizing a scientific event, or literally anything else, I was there and have a 100000% of myself. Yet somehow, my efforts and contributions were minimized or erased so many times.

I kept pouring my energy into surviving the environment and into people who probably never deserved that energy in the first place. And now, when I finally need that energy for myself, for my PhD, for my future — I feel completely drained and lost. I can barely make myself start anything in the lab anymore.

Sometimes I wonder how different my journey in academia would have been if I had spent these years growing instead of just surviving.

I am desperate and I don't know what to do anymore.

Initially, I really loved the idea of doing a PhD. About a year ago (maybe even longer, since I am at the end of my second year of PhD in genetics), I slowly lost all motivation to go to the lab. It’s not that I suddenly stopped caring about science — I think I just lost my courage and confidence somewhere along the way.

What makes it harder is that I work as a research assistant at the research institute where I’m supposed to conduct my PhD experiments. The environment is extremely toxic. People are mean, jealous, constantly mocking me. For five years, I spent so much energy trying to understand why some colleagues disliked me, why they mocked me, what I had done wrong, even though I was always proactive, hardworking, and ready to help everyone no matter what.

Whenever someone needed help with an experiment, PhD research, writing a paper, organizing a scientific event, or literally anything else, I was there and have a 100000% of myself. Yet somehow, my efforts and contributions were minimized or erased so many times.

I kept pouring my energy into surviving the environment and into people who probably never deserved that energy in the first place. And now, when I finally need that energy for myself, for my PhD, for my future — I feel completely drained and lost. I can barely make myself start anything in the lab anymore.

Sometimes I wonder how different my journey in academia would have been if I had spent these years growing instead of just surviving.

I am desperate and I don't know what to do anymore.