on my spiritual fatness
i don't know how to contend with the fact that i am spiritually fat. firstly, i am a normal BMi but not what one would call skinny. i have a medium frame and am on the taller side, so ive never been a small person. im also very high achiever and hold myself to high standards, which i feel is the only reason i've yet to succumb to actual bodily fatness. i was an overweight child and would eat until i felt sick and couldnt physically fit any more food into my stomach, something something emotional eating (?) so i dieted and lost the extra weight in elementary school and managed to maintain a reasonably healthy body weight after that. the traumatic experience of being a fat child led me to vow never to become fat again, but i feel that the fatness lurks within me still, however hard i try to repress it. im unable to stop myself from eating food if it's in front of me and i simply love to eat. this has become even more of an issue now that i have an office job where everyone is always bringing in snacks and desserts that i tell myself not to eat and then seemingly become possessed and eat anyway.
and the gluttony isnt confined to just food, which is what makes this fatness truly spiritual and why i feel very rotten about it all. i go back to people who arent right for me for comfort and the high of it. cannot stop myself from texting and wanting to hook up with exes because of the rush when i get what i want. i feel like im betraying my true self and am even actively aware of this when im in the moment, but i feel utterly powerless to stop. idk. diagnose me i guess