u/adrearynightinnov

I hope this doesn’t violate the rules. I’d just like some perspective on this. My cousin’s partner, L, has autism and I don’t. I’ve had a recurring issue with them where they ignore my boundaries and I want to make sure I understand what may be happening on their end.

L sometimes does things that I don’t really like and when I tell them to stop, they might ask why but they’ll keep doing it. They only seem to stop if they decide my reasoning is valid. For example, my cousin has a 45 lb. dog who they both allow to jump on them. She’s usually gentle, but I have a health condition that makes my neck very sensitive. I’ve learned from experience with my mother’s dog that if she gets too rough, she could hurt me. And, y’know, she’s a dog. She’s not guaranteed to be gentle every time. L sometimes directs the dog to jump on me, often getting her excited in the process, even after I ask them not to. I’ve explained to them why I don’t want the dog to jump on me, but they just insist that she’s gentle and she won’t hurt me. They only stop if my cousin intervenes. The dismissiveness bothers me more than the fact that they try to get the dog to jump on me.

For other things, I don’t want to explain much because it’s a more sensitive subject, like when I tell them not to touch my neck. I told them clearly that I don’t like my neck being touched, and they immediately touched my neck and keep doing so from time to time.

They also keep insisting that I’m autistic and asexual. I know for sure I’m neither, but it doesn’t seem to matter to L. It wouldn’t bother me if they just thought I was to themself, but they insist on it to me and tell other people that I am. It leads others to treat me differently—sometimes in ways that I don’t like. They also treat me as if I’m autistic and asexual. One thing they do all the time is clarify that they’re joking/being sarcastic. I understand they’re trying to be helpful, but it isn’t and the fact that they ignore me when I tell them to stop makes me crazy. I feel as though I’m being treated like a child who doesn’t know what’s best for them. Again, if I were to explain the situation I’d have to divulge information that I’m not comfortable sharing with them.

The end result is that I frequently feel violated after being around L. I always try to be direct when I ask/tell them not to do something, but it seems like “no” isn’t enough though I think it should be. But sometimes I wonder if communication is the problem. I’ve talked to my therapist about it, but she isn’t trained with autism in mind so I thought I’d ask you guys just to be sure. Should I find a way to explain things better, or is their behavior as inappropriate as I think it is?