Relatively inexpensive and low effort but a step up from pasta and tofu scramble. I'm tired of eating the same stuff and want to start expanding my cooking skills. I'm not ready to bake bread though😭
TW: TALK OF ILLNESS AND D**TH OF FAMILY MEMBER
I (28nb) have had OCD since I was a kid, I got diagnosed at 4. I started developing health anxiety in my teen years after my mom started to develop serious health issues with her spine and watching her go through that. She also has OCD and possibly health anxiety, but at least a fixation on health/medical stuff.
In 2023, my aunt passed away from throat cancer and it lead to what was probably the worst mental health spiral I've ever had in my life.
I had gotten my health anxiety to a pretty solid point recently through practicing acceptance and ERP on my own. Then, my dad had a stroke last week. He is recovering well.
Since then, I have had an EXPLOSION of health anxiety that I cannot seem to control:
-Fear that something is off with my neck/lymph nodes (I just went to the doctor like 2 months ago and she actually felt all over my neck like doctors do and all my tests were normal)
-Fears about pelvic floor
-Noticing small asymmetry in my body like slightly more fat on one hip, etc (this feels like a combo with body dysmorphia as well) It's stuff I know has been there/looked like that for YEARS but now suddenly it's bothering me very badly and scaring me
-Feeling now like IM having a stroke and/or heart attack at least once a day
- Vision anxiety returning
- AND MORE!!
I'm trying not to google or reassurance seek. I have *mostly* been strong. It's at it's strongest when I'm alone after a long day.
I'm struggling to engage in ERP or acceptance because I have been on such high alert since my dad went into the hospital. It has caused immense stress and triggered me very badly. I try to remind myself in the past when my OCD was this bad (it's been years) ALL of the things I thought were 100% real and 100% going to be fatal ended up being medically fine and eventually resolving on their own.
After I got over my fear of doctors and started getting annual physicals a few years ago, the "unknown" and the "worst case scenarios" became a lot less big in my mind as I continued to see myself having normal experiences and test results. It became more easy to envision more normal results and not catastrophize. It has also helped to have an amazing, patient, understanding doctor.
Well now, I feel like I'm shifting the other way where instead of avoiding the doctor, I want to keep going to the doctor. Like it will turn into a compulsion. It's hard because of the classic ocd "what if this time...." "what if you ignore it and don't go to the doc so you don't catch it in time..."
IT'S RIDICULOUS. And it is SO HARD to deal with this on top of the stress of my dad. I'M FRUSTRATED!!!
My OCD has also been worse in other ways. I keep being late and messing up my schedule every day bc I am going in and out repeatedly to check stove, see if water is running, did I leave window open? Etc. Then, once I'm finally on the road, I keep circling the block to make sure I didn't run someone over. 😭
It's just exhausting. This is mostly just a vent/rant but I'm open to advice. As well as prayers/positive thoughts for my dad. Also: I have an appointment to restart therapy with a new provider on June 16!